On Marriage

My disclaimer: This started as a facebook  post, but I quickly realized I needed to bring it over to my poor old neglected blog for a couple of reasons. First, it's just too long for a facebook post. Sorry about that. Please bear with me. Secondly, I wanted to make sure that while writing this, I also conveyed a message of hope and not condemnation. What I've written has to do with marriage, and the state of marriage in our culture. If I'm truthful, I'll tell you I hate divorce. It's destructive. It is damaging. And most importantly it was never part of God's plan for our lives. Having said that, I need to acknowledge that many of my friends and family are divorced. Some because their spouse broke the marriage vows they made to them before God. Infidelity, abuse, and abandonment sadly do happen, and sometimes there is no other option but to divorce that person. In particular, when the person is unrepentant, or it happens over and over again (which is kind of the definition of unrepentant). The other thing I need to acknowledge is I have friends and family, whom I love dearly, that have gone through divorces for other reasons, and I want them to know that, while I find it heartbreaking, I want them to live a life full of hope and promises from God. I want God's absolute best for them regardless of whether they choose to stay single or marry again.

So what started all this marriage talk? It was actually after watching former President George H.W. Bush mourn the loss of his wife this past weekend, that I really started thinking. They were married 73 years! When I read that the other day I realized what a drop in the bucket our (upcoming) 15 years of marriage and 20 years together really are. They were kids when they got married, and I have no doubt that their marriage weathered many storms and changes. Losing their daughter was just one of the storms.

It also made me stop and think ... a lot. About marriage. About our culture and how marriage is viewed. Our culture doesn’t value marriage anymore. We see it as something that’s easy enough to get rid of if things don’t go the way we want. Marriage in our culture is disposable. We go into marriage with emotional feelings of love, but reality doesn’t always support the “in love” feelings. When we have bills to pay and kids to take care of and jobs that keep us busy it can be hard. Some days you feel in love. Some days you really don’t like each other. Some days you’ll go out of the way to make each other happy. Some days you’ll fight and both act like jerks. It’s just the way it is. But I’ll tell you this, marriage is sacred and when you take those vows you aren’t just taking them for one another. You’re taking them before God, and that’s serious business. Anything short of legitimate abuse, abandonment, or infidelity, you have taken a vow to work through. It doesn’t mean you’ll want to. It doesn’t mean it’ll be all sunshine and roses tomorrow, but I promise, at the end of the day (or 73 years) it’ll be so worth it.

I do not have the perfect marriage. I have a good marriage, and most days I'd even say I have a great marriage. But perfect it is not. The whole submissive wife thing is kind of challenging for me, and sometimes it's just not my cup of tea. Sometimes, I choose to argue and fight and act immature. And lest you think Patrick is perfect (haha), believe me he has his moments too. I won't throw him under the bus here, but my point is, we're not perfect. We're two strong willed people learning how to put the other person's needs before our own. I'm sure if some of you got a peek at us on some days, you'd probably have to pick your jaw up off the floor. Our families have been "blessed" enough to witness some of our finer moments including the time we almost threw down in the middle of Haverty's over a couch of all the crazy things. We can laugh about it now, but at the time it was far from funny. I don't say all this to make us look bad, but to tell you I get it, I totally get it. Marriage can be hard. Marriage can also be amazing if you do it God's way.

So here's my groundbreaking marriage advice. Whether you're getting married soon, are already married and are happy, are married and are struggling, are on your second, third, or eighth marriage . . . 

Put God first in your personal life. Then you put Him first in your marriage (even if your spouse isn’t on board, you hold God up as the head of your marriage). The Bible has some stuff to say about marriage. It's a good idea to read it (a few scripture references found below) because no matter what your marriage currently looks like, the best advice on how to live your life, and subsequently live out your marriage, is found in God's Word.

Trust God to heal what needs to be healed, to change what needs to be changed, and to redeem what needs to be redeemed. Lean into Him. Pray for your spouse, not just for God to change him/her, but for God to heal and set free. Because, surprisingly, despite what the world may say, healing is not found in walking away but in turning to Jesus to fix what is broken.  

Scriptures: 

Proverbs 31:10-31 (a virtuous wife)

Ephesians 5:22-33

Colossians 3:18-19

Hebrews 13:4

1 Corinthians 13

There are definitely more scriptures to read on the subject of marriage and family, but this is a good starting point.