Mixed Emotions

It seems that this blog has started to serve as a sort of adoption therapy for me . . . a place where I work out and through all the feelings that go along with the wait and the process. Having said that, I think it's important to understand that yes, I do experience frustration, longing, discouragement, and so on, but the truth is I also experience love, joy, happiness, peace, and contentment in my everyday life. This blog, as with any blog, only shows one small part of my life.

Most adoptive parents will tell you that adoption involves lots of conflicting emotions and feelings. You feel both fear and hopefulness . . . frustration and happiness . . . joy and complete inadequacy. . . sometimes all within 30 seconds. All parents experience these feelings, but I've found, that in adoption they are greatly amplified.

Here's the thing. I don't go 10 minutes without thinking about this child I don't know. She is ever present in my thoughts and prayers. I wake up thinking about her, and I dream about her when I'm sleeping. To me she is as much a part of our life as Andrew is, and because of that, my desire to meet her and bring her home is at times overwhelming.

But . . .

I also love my life. I love my husband and son beyond anything I ever imagined. I live and play and work and laugh and enjoy the blessings we've been given. Unless you've lived this process, it's hard to understand how both intense joy and happiness can exist alongside and in concert with intense longing. When I smile and laugh and talk to you about all the things going on, it's not fake. It's not a show I'm putting on for your sake. I really am smiling and laughing and enjoying my time with you, but always, in my mind somewhere there are thoughts of this adoption. It never leaves, but it also doesn't stop me from living and being happy.

I set out to explain what it feels like to live this process . . . to explain the emotions involved in it all. I'm not sure I did that. It seems like I may have served only to confuse most of you more. But given the complexity of these emotions, and the difficulty in putting them into words, I did my best.

Enjoy your weekend!