On Forgiveness and Attitudes

Hi my name is Courtney, and I'm insanely introverted. I'm not shy. If you get to know me well enough, you'll find I'm actually a pretty talkative person. But shallow relationships take energy I'm not always willing to expend. I don't have any a lot of patience with high maintenance relationships. I'm not overly emotional (I'm working on being more open), and I struggle with relationships and people that aren't straightforward. I don't understand enabling, pouting, or game playing so I tend to limit those type of relationships.

Are all of these bad traits? Not necessarily. I truly believe God made me the way I am. But at the same time we live in a fallen world where struggles do exist and often our good personality traits get morphed into something not so great.

You see, I'm pretty good at forgiving once or twice or maybe, even three times, but keep on piling on the offenses, and I start to struggle. Hurt my husband or my kids and the claws come out. You know the old adage, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."? Yeah, I can throw up walls stronger than Fort Knox in a minute, and good luck getting past them. But then there's that scripture in Matthew 18:21-22 ... you know, the one where Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother. Peter was like, "Not more than seven times, right?!" And Jesus responds, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Which basically means to infinity and beyond. And then he goes on to say later in the same passage that we have to forgive to be forgiven. I'm sure Peter was like, "Dude!!!" But Jesus said it so that settles it. (Obviously, this is paraphrased. Please take some time to read Matthew 18 for yourself.)

It's not just the walls. It's my whole attitude. I want you to know how I feel. I want to make you feel how I feel. You don't have to tell me it's not very Christlike. It's not something about myself that makes me proud. And I'm sure that's why this particular scripture keeps popping up in so many of my devotions.

“Therefore 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:20-21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I've been really convicted by this scripture lately. The truth is, for the most part, I'm good with people, but there are some areas and some people that have hurt me. Some very badly over many years, and I have to fight growing weary in doing good. I don't always do the best job of overcoming evil with good. I don't always want to. Sometimes I choose not to. But I'm asking God to help me and change that part of me. I'm asking Him to teach me to "keep no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13). And I'm asking you to join me in this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles in this area, and we need the support and help of others. (Even us introverts. ;))

Note:
Something that needs to be said because I don't want anyone to use this as an excuse to stay in a toxic, abusive, or codependent relationship. There are times in your life when you need to set boundaries and stay firm. Jesus was not manipulated by others, and He did not call us to stay in a relationship that is abusive and dangerous. If it's your marriage, you need to seek wise advice from a Godly counselor that can help you make the right choices (if you are in immediate danger you may need to leave and do that from a distance). If it's another relationship, you need to ask God to guide you in how to set healthy boundaries. Forgiveness is more about God changing your own heart and mind than about changing the other person. It is highly possibly their crummy behavior will continue, and you have to be wise and discerning in order to forgive and not continue to be abused and/or enable the other person.