Boundaries

If you haven't read my last post, on forgiveness, take a few moments to read it here.

Forgiveness is an absolute must in our lives, but sometimes, so are boundaries. I am not a mental health professional. I'm just a person who has learned a little from life experiences both in making mistakes and likely hurting others and in things others have done to hurt me. In both situations, I have to choose how I will react. I can apologize and/or forgive, respectively, or I can be stubborn, harbor bittnerness, and let my heart get hard.

Having said all of that, you can forgive and still set boundaries. Yesterday, my pastor from college, Todd Nelson (Christian Faith Center, San Angelo), shared this article by Dr. Henry Cloud entitled, How Boundaries Keep Jerks Out of Your Life. Hey I didn't write the title! But I encourage you to read the article. I shared the article on Facebook with this comment from me: "In keeping with my post about forgiveness, this is a great article by Dr. Cloud on boundaries. You can walk in love and forgiveness without letting people walk all over you, manipulate you, and push you around. If they don't like the healthy boundaries set then so be it."

And Pastor Todd commented on my post, "Yes, so healthy and helpful when people realize forgiveness AND healthy boundaries can co-exist. Forgiveness is freely given because we have been forgiven, but trust is earned by honoring boundaries over time."

He is absolutely correct and spot on. Forgiveness is something that happens inside of us. It's a heart change. A choice not to hold a grudge. Not to let bitterness, anger, and hatred set up camp. But it doesn't mean that you become a proverbial punching bag for others.

Throughout my 36 years on this earth, I've had the "pleasure" of dealing with more than a few people who only want a relationship with you if you bend to their will. They often try to manipulate others to do what they want. Sometimes that includes lying, brute force, tantrums, and pouting. If and when you get the the courage to express your own feelings and opinions, if they don't line up with theirs, you will be punished. (Side note: I also, have to check my own behaviors and motives for signs of manipulation, and it's something I work actively against.)

When you stand up to someone that is trying to control and manipulate you, you are automatically taking a step towards setting boundaries. Sometimes we concede to others. Sometimes others concede to us. But there needs to be balance. So how do we know if we're being manipulated? If your feelings or opinions never matter. If everytime you express an opposing opinion, the other person gets angry, and you're afraid that anything that opposes what they want is going to set off a huge drama, you're likely being manipulated.

One of the greatest manipulators of all time can be found in the Old Testament. Even if you're not overly familiar with the Bible, you've likely heard of Jezebel. Time and space do not permit me to go into all the details here, but she was extremely manipulative and domineering. She incited her husband, the king, and ultimately the Children of Israel to worship Baal. She killed the phrophets of God among other horribly wicked things, and the prophet, Elijah,  was tasked with dealing with her. If you take the time to read 1st & 2nd Kings you will find an account of her life as queen (and subsequent demise).

The question is, "How do we walk with forgiveness in our hearts yet still deal with these people?". Well first, you have to make the decision to forgive, and determine that no matter what hate will not be allowed to take root. Oftentimes, distance and space are necessary in order to keep yourself emotionally (and sometimes physically) safe. The amount of distance will depend on the situation, but if someone is physically (and often emotionally) abusive, you need to get away, cut contact, and get help. I cannot emphasize that enough. In other, less dire, situations, you need to know that your feelings and opinions matter. For a long time, I wouldn't express my opinions if I thought they would anger others, and to some extent I still struggle with this fear. We are called to be peacemakers, and we should not pick a fight just for the sake of fighting (not that I've ever done this ...). But just as that other person has a right to certain feelings and beliefs, so do you. And you deserve to be treated with respect. The caveat is, you're going to have to be okay with the other person being angry and shutting you out. If you do or say something wrong, absolutely own it and apologize, but don't go after the other person doing everything you can to make them happy even at the cost of your own peace and sanity. You'll only feed the problem.

So there you have it. My, non-expert, thoughts on boundaries. And again, if you're in a close relationship with this kind of dynamic (i.e. a marriage) and are struggling with how to deal, I encourage you to seek out the help of a Christian mental health professional.

Stay tuned for more discussion on character traits, including my personal favorite (and biggest struggle), perfectionism.