Where Feet May Fail

July 2nd of last year, as I drove home alone late at night, I sang . . .

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail

And I knew, somewhere in the deepest part of myself, that I was being called out upon the waters. I knew that I was being called out of my boat, but I didn't have the slightest idea what that meant.

Mid morning July 3rd my phone rang, and I saw our adoption caseworker's name and number. My heart pounded as I answered that call . . . the call that would forever change our lives. And I thought, "This must be it."

And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep 
My faith will stand

August of 2014, we boarded a plane and flew to Bulgaria. There we met the most beautiful little girl who stole our hearts in every way. In five days time she had us wrapped around her finger. As we left her to come back to the States and await a court date, my eyes filled with tears, and it took all my willpower to hold myself together. And I thought, "This must be it."

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

As the weeks crept by I longed to hold my little girl. To pick her up. To rock her once again. Then on that devastating morning in September my phone rang again. Once again, my heart pounded as I listened. Only this time it wasn't with excitement, but instead with grief like I've never experienced in my life, and the chaos and loss that ensued threatened to overtake me.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

We grieved. Yet, we had to continue to move forward. There were many days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world. I didn't hide, but I did allow myself to grieve and feel, and a million times a day I turned it over to God.

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

One morning I woke up, and instead of intense sadness, I once again felt hope. Hope that I thought I may have lost, but instead, I found it was just buried beneath the enormous weight of grief. As the grief began to heal, the hope began to grow again.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior*

The hope and desire to meet our daughter are so strong now that they are almost tangible. This has grown into so much more than an adoption story. It has grown into a story of faith, and trust, and surrender, and healing. Sometimes, I have a moment when I think I'd like to get back in the boat . . . the waiting, the anticipation, the wondering when it will happen again can be exhausting. But then I look around and realize the boat isn't even in sight anymore. I've moved so far out of the safety and security of my comfort zone that I'm not even sure what that feels like anymore. I've stopped thinking, "This must be it." I've come to understand that there is no "moment" where our faith grows into something solid, and deep, and immovable. It is in a series of moments throughout our lifetime, as we turn our eyes continually back to Him, that our faith is solidified. So if anyone needs me I'll be out here, walking with my Savior on the water, and if, at times, I start to sink, I'll trust Him to keep my eyes above the waves.

*Words from "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United