A quick rundown on how the process works because I think a lot of people get confused and rightfully so. We are pursuing what is commonly called a traditional referral (someday I'll also explain the waiting child route). This is where the Bulgarian government makes the match for the family. When you submit your dossier (your file) to Bulgaria to be registered you also submit age, gender, and special needs parameters. Bulgaria then does everything within their power to match families with children that they feel are a good fit to those very specific parameters. This is why people get referrals out of order. This is why it can take so long. Our special needs parameters are pretty open, but there are others that are far more open. Our special needs range from mild to moderate, both correctable and incorrectable, possibly treatable. Our age range is quite likely what holds us back. In our latest home study, we did raise our age range, but we're still requesting a young child which is very common. I don't often discuss our parameters because there is so much controversy surrounding them. Some people can't believe that we are knowingly and willingly adopting a child that isn't perfectly healthy. Other people feel that we should open our special needs and age parameters even more. These are hard decisions to make, and we did not make them lightly.
So back to the referral . . . I have no idea if the referral was for a boy or a girl. I have no idea if it was for a younger or older child. I have no idea what that's child's special needs are, and it's likely I never will. I'd love to say that I felt joy . . . joy for a child that finally has a family . . . joy for a family that finally has a child. But I didn't. I felt hurt. Gut wrenching hurt (and maybe just an inkling of anger . . . I'm being real here). All of the thoughts and fears with which I've often struggled came flooding in . . . Is there something wrong with us? Maybe we aren't open enough? Did I do something wrong? Am I not a good enough mother to be a mother to a child from a hard place?
None of these questions are true depictions of the situation, but they all cast doubt in my heart. They are not the thoughts nor the plans God has for me. They are fear driven thoughts, and I refuse to let fear drive this train. I struggled with them throughout the night. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. with a physical ache in my heart. While my inclination is to throw myself a pity party, I know that's not what God wants me to do. So I turned it all over to Him.That sounds so simple, but the process of "turning it over" is far from simple. It's more along the lines of prying these thoughts, pains, and doubts from a very closed, very clenched fist. There is nothing wrong with us (well, nothing that hasn't been redeemed by the blood of Christ). I'm not a perfect mother, but God has infinitely blessed me as I seek Him in how to parent my children (however many I end up with . . . I'm leaving that number open ended). This is not punishment no matter how much it may feel like it at the moment. And we've sought God in making the decision regarding the special needs, as well as the age range, we can and cannot accept.
I have to remember to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). I have to remember that this battle is not just physical but also spiritual. I have remember to pray more than I whine . . . to continue to stand . . . that "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:4-5).
I don't write this for sympathy nor do I write it for accolades. I'm not amazing. I'm not always good at this waiting thing. I'm not superwoman, but a while back I was praying and telling God that I would have a huge testimony when this adoption is finally done. What the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart was not, "Yes, one day you will have a huge testimony." Instead it was, "Your testimony is now. Your testimony is what you are living each and every day. Your testimony isn't in what you perceive as victory because even after the adoption is finalized there will still be obstacles to overcome, but your testimony is in how you live and rely on Me daily." Some days I do well. Other days, I don't, but I want to be honest. I'm hoping in my honesty that I don't come across as a big crybaby, but as a person, seeking God and learning to rely on Him and His Word. I'm hoping that in my honesty others see God and His goodness and also choose to seek Him day by day.
No comments:
Post a Comment