On Attachment

Attachment is a tricky thing. It doesn't happen in three days, or three weeks, or even three months. Most people don't understand the attachment process, and after explaining it until I'm blue in the face, I've concluded that most people don't really care to understand it. Which is why, even at the three month point, even though Anna is learning slowly that we're her family, I'm still hesitant to go many places. Why? Because people make it about them and not her. They just have to hold her even when I'm trying with everything to keep her focus on us. It happens over and over again, and if they do decide to respect the boundaries we've set, they make sure we know how put out they are about it. How inconvenienced they are and unfair it is. How important it is that she know who they are. And frankly, it's not worth the stress. It's not worth dealing with angry friends and family. So it's just easier to stay home and hide. But at three (plus) months post placement, we have to get out. There are things we need to do. And it's unfair to Andrew for us to never do anything fun.

So once again, I'm going to try to explain where Anna is and what we need from you. And I know there will be those that understand and try, but there will be those that continue to say things like, "See she likes me, and she wanted to come to me." And I will continue to take her back because I'm her mother, and she needs to understand that it is not okay to just go to every person that reaches for you and makes a silly face. In fact, in this day and age it can be dangerous.

Anna is learning what the concept of a family is, but in her almost three years in an orphanage, she had multiple caregivers. Some stayed for months. Some for years, but the idea of permanency is not only new but hard to grasp. She likes us a lot. She smiles and laughs (and tantrums and gets angry sometimes) for us. She sometimes gives us hugs and kisses, and no it's not cute if she tries to kiss you. Again, it's not normal for a three year old to kiss people she hardly knows. But here's the deal, when one of us is gone, she also doesn't really notice. Right now it is all very "out of sight out of mind". She's very happy when we return, but if we didn't, at this point, she'd probably adjust pretty quickly. I'm not saying that for sympathy or for people to say, "All kids do this." That statement drives me crazy. Because not all kids were abandoned. Not all kids suffered hunger and neglect and lived in an orphanage with 200 other kids and no one to truly meet their needs.

So what do we need from you? We need support. We need you to direct her attention back to us if she reaches for you. We need you to not get your feelings hurt and understand that she's still learning and adjusting. And bottom line, we need you to understand that Anna is a little person, who has suffered immense loss in her short life. She's not a circus sideshow for everyone to ogle. Do I believe that God is healing her wounds? Absolutely, and I also believe that the Holy Spirit guides us and gives us wisdom as parents. So I'm asking you to come alongside us in this.

I realize this post is a bit of a rant, but I also think it needs to be said. I'm not an overly confrontational person, but I feel like sometimes you just have to put it out there.