Easter

Easter morning started off gray and dreary. It was damp and chilly, and certainly, not what one would call a beautiful Easter morning. But as the day progressed, the sun came out, and the damp cool air was replaced by a soft, beautiful breeze. It made me think of the first Easter Sunday so many years ago. How dark and dismal the world must have seemed as that day dawned. The grief must have been unbearable as the women went to the tomb only to be shocked to find it empty. And the revelation that Jesus was alive brought a lifting of the heaviness and the light shone through. 

Easter was good. It was busy, and the first holiday that Anna got to celebrate with family. I tried to get pictures, but photographing an eight year old and a toddler is not an easy task. By Sunday afternoon Miss Anna was exhausted and crashed in my parents' hammock (yes we were right there). 

On Attachment

Attachment is a tricky thing. It doesn't happen in three days, or three weeks, or even three months. Most people don't understand the attachment process, and after explaining it until I'm blue in the face, I've concluded that most people don't really care to understand it. Which is why, even at the three month point, even though Anna is learning slowly that we're her family, I'm still hesitant to go many places. Why? Because people make it about them and not her. They just have to hold her even when I'm trying with everything to keep her focus on us. It happens over and over again, and if they do decide to respect the boundaries we've set, they make sure we know how put out they are about it. How inconvenienced they are and unfair it is. How important it is that she know who they are. And frankly, it's not worth the stress. It's not worth dealing with angry friends and family. So it's just easier to stay home and hide. But at three (plus) months post placement, we have to get out. There are things we need to do. And it's unfair to Andrew for us to never do anything fun.

So once again, I'm going to try to explain where Anna is and what we need from you. And I know there will be those that understand and try, but there will be those that continue to say things like, "See she likes me, and she wanted to come to me." And I will continue to take her back because I'm her mother, and she needs to understand that it is not okay to just go to every person that reaches for you and makes a silly face. In fact, in this day and age it can be dangerous.

Anna is learning what the concept of a family is, but in her almost three years in an orphanage, she had multiple caregivers. Some stayed for months. Some for years, but the idea of permanency is not only new but hard to grasp. She likes us a lot. She smiles and laughs (and tantrums and gets angry sometimes) for us. She sometimes gives us hugs and kisses, and no it's not cute if she tries to kiss you. Again, it's not normal for a three year old to kiss people she hardly knows. But here's the deal, when one of us is gone, she also doesn't really notice. Right now it is all very "out of sight out of mind". She's very happy when we return, but if we didn't, at this point, she'd probably adjust pretty quickly. I'm not saying that for sympathy or for people to say, "All kids do this." That statement drives me crazy. Because not all kids were abandoned. Not all kids suffered hunger and neglect and lived in an orphanage with 200 other kids and no one to truly meet their needs.

So what do we need from you? We need support. We need you to direct her attention back to us if she reaches for you. We need you to not get your feelings hurt and understand that she's still learning and adjusting. And bottom line, we need you to understand that Anna is a little person, who has suffered immense loss in her short life. She's not a circus sideshow for everyone to ogle. Do I believe that God is healing her wounds? Absolutely, and I also believe that the Holy Spirit guides us and gives us wisdom as parents. So I'm asking you to come alongside us in this.

I realize this post is a bit of a rant, but I also think it needs to be said. I'm not an overly confrontational person, but I feel like sometimes you just have to put it out there.

Three Months

Three months ago we left Sofia before the first ray of sunlight to drive three hours to pick a tiny, frightened, overwhelmed little girl.

Three months ago we carried her out of the only place she had ever known as home. No longer was she an orphan. She was and is a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, and a cousin. She belonged.

Three months ago love was put into action, and we began a journey of realizing it is far more than a feeling. It is a daily action. Sometimes is beautiful, and sometimes it fights tooth and nail to see progress.

Three months ago . . . such as short amount of time and yet, a lifetime seems to have passed.

Anna is not the same little girl we picked up. Physically, emotionally, mentally ... 

Anna has gained six pounds and grown almost three inches. Yes, you read that right. She loves to eat. She doesn't mind touching her food, but she still won't eat out of her hands or mine. After a lot of evaluating and observing, the OT and I concluded that it's not sensory as much as programming. We are continuing to work on both eating with her hands and drinking liquids which is still a battle. But the upside is she feeds herself very well with a fork and spoon and eats pretty much whatever we're eating. 

Anna now says, "Uh-Oh", "Yee-haw", "More", "Mama", "Dada", "No No", and "Night Night". She loves music and mimics rhythms quite well. We hear a ton of gibberish with lots of consonant sounds thrown in. She'll often rattle something off and expect us to understand which is both funny and frustrating. She understands so much now. For a child with "zero receptive language" hers has grown by leaps and bounds!

We've seen more appropriate play these past few weeks. She interacts very well with us and loves to play chase, make faces, and be silly. Oh my goodness is she silly. Anna also loves books. The child who wouldn't sit for half a second to look at a book now drags me into her room multiple times a day to sit in the rocker and read, "B-b-b-b" (Brown Bear, Brown Bear ...).

We've had an unseasonably warm winter and have spent a ton of time outside. I can't wait for swimming and water play this summer. She's going to love it.

Each week Anna has Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, and Speech. She's knocking her goals right out of the park. 

Bonding and attaching, while still a work in progress, are going well. Anna had no concept of affection when she came home, and she's slowly (and sometimes stingily) learning to give hugs and kisses to Mama and Daddy. We never push. We just offer affection, and she'll often catch us off guard with a huge, slobbery kiss. 

Are there still struggles? Yes! Miss Anna has quite an opinion and quite a temper. Some days are good. Some are exhausting. She still struggles with getting overwhelmed from time to time, and though we see it less and less, she has rough days where those self stimming behaviors (mostly rocking) rear their heads. 

Anna is a strong, passionate, lively almost three year old, and we get all the good (and sometimes the bad) that goes along with that. Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers! Please keep them coming! 

Sharing the Burden

I'm sure you've heard me speak of our Bulgaria Adoption Group. We are a close knit group. We support one another. We laugh with one another. We mourn with one another. These past few days have been no exception.

Last weekend one of the couples from our group were in Bulgaria picking up their special needs sons when the husband and father suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. To say these past few days have been a nightmare for the mother and wife is no exaggeration, but the added stress and expense of being in a foreign country as she deals with all this only makes it worse. The adoption community has rallied around her as have thousands all over the world, but y'all she needs more rallying. She's bringing these boys home. She has children at home. Due to circumstances beyond their control, her husband did not have life insurance. A lot of money has been raised, but more is needed. I rarely, if ever, push fundraising sites, but I'm pushing this one. Please give. Please share the burden. Anything is appreciated. 

https://www.youcaring.com/quesenberry-family-529570

Being Real

This morning I read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" three times. I would've read it 50 times if Anna had asked. When we picked her up she wouldn't even glance at a book much less sit in your lap for you to read it.


Last week was rough. It started off with Anna rapidly spiking a temp of 105 (literally went from fine to very sick in an hour) and a trip to the ER. After, lots of testing and struggling to bring her fever below 103, they concluded that she had a lower respiratory virus (not pneumonia) that had to run its course. So we spent a few days fighting a very high fever in a very miserable child.


The fallout of this illness was an increase in behaviors which seemed to be declining. And that's what I'm going to discuss just a little. I'm not going to discuss Anna's medical diagnoses or labels or family history for a few reasons. First, I want to protect her. Second, both the International pediatrician and Anna's own pediatrician question the validity of these diagnoses, and third, she is not nor will she be defined by these labels given by an orphanage in another country.


Tantrums - All kids tantrum, right? Yes, that's true, but when a child with Anna's history goes into tantrum mode it is driven out of fear and self preservation. Anna might bite (herself and me), scratch, hit, or bang her head during a tantrum. Thankfully, hers are relatively short lived, but you absolutely cannot discipline a tantrum from an adopted child the same way you would one from a biological child. We typically, keep Anna close, and the main goal is her safety and ours. We might hold her or lay her where she can safely thrash around with us nearby and within sight. We always follow with comfort even when we feel like doing anything but being comforting.
 
Food - To be exact food obsession. Anna has known hunger in her life. She has known what it's like to go without enough food, and if anything terrifies her, this does. I'd say that over 75%, maybe closer to 90%, of her tantrums have to do with food. She can easily eat a grown man under the table, and she'll finish a huge meal and go back to the table 20 minutes later. One of the things we're working on is her understanding that there is always food available. Anna will not eat with her hands or out of my hands. She will touch her food and play with it, but will not eat it. Still that's more than many kids who have come out of an institution. But I do look forward to the day when she will snack on a bag of goldfish. She is learning to self feed, but this was discouraged in her orphanage so it's taking time. Most days she eats six times a day.


Stereotypical behaviors - rocking, sucking fingers, shaking head back and forth, etc. In orphanages, children are not soothed so they learn to self soothe. This is how they comfort themselves. Overall, the intensity of Anna's behaviors is much less than other children, and they seem to be decreasing. When she rocks, we sit her in our lap to comfort her. Sometimes she rocks and laughs and glances at us to see if we’re looking. I'm sure to some this is manipulative, but rather than get on her for it, we choose to use it as an opportunity to love on her a little more.


Hugs and kisses are hard to come by and must be earned from Anna. She is slowly but surely becoming more affectionate. It can be frustrating when others try to get her to show affection. We are working very hard to teach her the concept of family and appropriate affection, and when others push in, it only complicates things.


So why am I telling you all of this? Well, I can promise you it's for neither sympathy nor applause. Please don't applaud me. I am not extraordinary, but I do serve an extraordinary God. I'm telling you this because I first, want to give you just a very brief glimpse of what Anna is dealing with, and more importantly, I'm calling on prayer warriors.


Now before anyone gets up in arms, we are doing everything necessary to help Anna. That includes therapies, doctor visits, and therapeutic parenting. But here's the deal. There are a lot of absolutes thrown around in the world of adoption, and one of them is that our children will never fully heal from the wounds of abandonment and neglect. However, I once again go back to God's Word and what it says, and that just doesn't line up. We are all damaged goods when it comes down to it, but we serve a God who heals our deepest wounds. So I'm asking you to join me in prayer for our Anna's complete redemption and healing. I'm asking you to stand with us in believing that God will reach those places that no amount of earthly intervention can reach. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, and many days my inadequacies loom larger than life. I've cried tears of heartbreak, tears of anger and frustration, and tears of joy, and over and over I'm forced to turn back to Him to give me strength and joy in this journey.


Psalm 107:20King James Version (KJV)
20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.