Waving the White Flag

I knew I was pregnant with Andrew really early on. As soon as I knew, I switched into overprotective mother mode. I watched what I ate, exercised, never slept on my back, paid careful attention to exactly how much weight I gained (not too much, not too little) . . . I was insanely careful. I mean the entire time I was pregnant I didn't touch lunch meat. All around me pregnant friends were eating sub sandwiches (which I craved like crazy), and I resisted. There is a very strong possibility I went overboard, but then that's my personality.

When Andrew was born prematurely, I kicked it up a notch. Except for doctor and family visits he didn't see the light of day for almost 10 weeks. Even then I was paranoid very careful. No way anyone that didn't first pass a 200 point inspection was touching my baby.

As Andrew grew, I began to realize that I had to let go a little. His first day in daycare (he was 10 months old) he got a minuscule bruise on his leg, which I promptly pointed out to his teacher. She laughed and said, "Honey, he's gonna get a lot more bruises than that."

We've been through a lot in the past four years. Andrew came early. He was so tiny and looked so fragile. He's been sick. I've said before we should have our own room at the pediatrician's office. For crying out loud, the child has had three sets of ear tubes. He's been hurt. I'm incredibly thankful he has a hard head. He's misbehaved and thrown fits. Guess it just comes with the territory. He's also told me he loves me more times than I can count. He gives spontaneous hugs and kisses. And at night, right before he drifts off and I go in to check on him he asks, "Can you yay with me . . . for just a yittle while?" (Translated: Can you lay with me for just a little while? In case you don't speak preschooler) Through it all, I've had to learn that at the end of the day I really have very little control. Yikes! Over and over again I have to leave Andrew in the hands of God.

Which brings me to my point. Bet you didn't know that was all the pre-show!

The other day I was looking in our pantry, which happens to be very full because of the junk food that made its way back from our vacation, and the thought pops into my head, "This pantry is too full and is a big, ridiculous, disorganized mess". That thought was rapidly followed by, "How selfish can you be? I wonder if our little girl (if she's born yet) has enough food? I wonder if she's hungry?". These kind of thoughts can escalate extremely quickly, "I wonder if she's clean?" "I wonder if she's held?" "I wonder if she's rocked?" "I wonder if she's loved?" . . . things like starvation, neglect, and malnourishment really hit home when you're talking about your own baby.

The truth is I can't answer any of those questions except the last one. The last one I can answer clearly, "Yes, she is loved." She is loved by us, but even more, she is loved by the one true God. I have realized that I cannot follow the line of thinking into which these thoughts lead. It's completely unproductive and causes me to worry about things over which I have no control. But I can pray, and I can give it to God. I can trust Him to bring people into her life that will hold her, that will rock her, that will bathe her, that will feed her, that will be there for her. So you know what? I'm waving the white flag. I surrender. It's not in my hands, and in all honesty, it never was . . .

Surrender (click on the title to hear the song) By Marc James

Lyrics:

I'm giving You my heart All that is within I lay it all down For the sake of You my King I'm giving You my dreams laying down my rights I'm giving up my pride For the promise of new life And I Surrender All to You, all to You I'm singing You this song I'm waiting at the Cross All the world holds dear I count it all as loss For the sake of knowing You For the glory of Your name To know the lasting joy Even sharing in Your pain