I Surrender All

I've had so many things I've wanted to write lately, and yet, I don't. I've posted pictures on instagram of clothes and bedding and projects I'm working on to get our daughter's room ready, but the truth is those things are all time passers. The purpose in doing them is to fill the time so that I don't dwell on how much I miss our little girl. Because I miss her an insane amount. I'm ready for her to be here and not thousands of miles away, on the other side of the Atlantic.

Fear has been something with which I've struggled, and as we wait I have moments where I wrestle with very intense fears. At 4:00 a.m. on Friday morning I got up to use the restroom, and when I laid back down, I couldn't quiet my mind and fall back asleep. Laying there, not fully awake but not asleep, those fears began to flood my mind. All the what ifs and uncertainities of waiting seemed huge and overwhelming. It's always amazing to me how huge fears seem in the darkest hours of the night. And so I began to pray. I don't know that they were the most coherent prayers, but they were prayers nonetheless. And I have no doubt that God heard them. As I was praying the words from "I Surrender All" began to stream through my mind with such clarity:

All to Jesus I surrender;

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live. 

Refrain:I surrender all,

I surrender all;

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Humbly at His feet I bow,

Worldly pleasures all forsaken;

Take me, Jesus, take me now. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;

Let me feel the Holy Spirit,

Truly know that Thou art mine. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Lord, I give myself to Thee;

Fill me with Thy love and power;

Let Thy blessing fall on me. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Now I feel the sacred flame.

Oh, the joy of full salvation!

Glory, glory, to His Name!*

And I was reminded I have absolutely no control at this point. We've done our part. We've filled out the paperwork. We've been through all the testing and training, and now, it's time to wait. Of all the things that are glaringly obvious in this process, God's hand has been the most obvious. I see Him working in this in ways, I never imagined, and I know that He has good things for us. I also know that He's bigger than any of the challenges we have faced or will face, and so I let go of the control I never had and surrendered it all to Him.

Will I still pray for favor and a speedy process? Yes. Will I still pray for my daughter's health and safety? Most definitely. But I will pray from a place of surrender knowing that my God is a God who loves us . . .  all of us . . . and has good things for us instead of praying out of desperate fear. As I'm typing this so many scriptures pertaining to God's blessings are running through my head. But I want to leave you with one of my favorites knowing that He is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

* Hymn - I Surrender All written by Judson W. Van DeVenter 1896