Today

I thought about blogging yesterday. I almost always write something on 9/11. But this year I decided not to write anything on the actual day. It's a day that comes with so many memories and emotions. In spite of all that is going on in our world and in our country right now, we still live in America, the greatest country on earth. I just hope we realize and value what we have and don't take it for granted. I'm not sure that we as a nation, and in particular our political leaders, always do that, and that makes me sad.


Moving on to today, and away from any major political arguments (because I don't have the energy) . . .


First, I want to thank everyone who has offered words of encouragement and prayers for us. They mean the world to us, and I'm going to be honest and tell you that we need them. They help more than you know. For those of you who put up with and helped me through my little pity party the other day, thank you. While I'd love to say it will never happen again, I'm not going to make any promises.


It has been one month exactly since we first met our sweet girl. When we came home from Bulgaria our caseworker told me that this wait was going to be extremely hard . . . quite possibly one of the hardest things we've ever done. A couple days out from Bulgaria, jetlagged as all get out, I naively thought, "I know it will be hard, but I've been through hard before. Try being rushed to the hospital at 35 weeks because you're bleeding to death. Then having an emergency C-section and having your baby rushed off to the NICU because he's in distress. Try bringing that same 4.5 pound baby home and coaxing him to eat an ounce every 2.5 hours when all he wants to do is sleep. Try keeping that up for 3+ weeks. I've done hard. I can handle this."


And I laugh at that person of just over three weeks ago. She was clearly not in her right mind. Because y'all this is hard, and the truth is I can't handle it . . . at least not on my own. But God can handle it, and so I'm completely and totally leaning on Him. And you know what, He gets me through. Sometimes it's through scriptures that seem to show up at various points throughout my day reminding of who it is I serve. Other times it's through a song that comes on the radio. And often times it's through y'all, the people in our lives who encourage us, support us, and pray for us. It's not easy. It's not fun. But in the midst of missing my daughter so intensely and so terribly, I find myself living and cherishing my life. It's hard not to wish the days away, but then I realize that in just over three weeks Andrew will be seven, and I want to hold on to six just a little longer.


In the past week I've seen scripture after scripture pop up in front of me about placing my hope and trust in God. This is not a battle I can fight alone. This is not a battle I'm capable of fighting at all. It's not my battle. I'm just along for the ride. It's His battle. So when I wake up at four in the morning and am hit with a pang of longing so strong that it takes my breath away. Or when I'm overcome by fears that I can't even put a name to but they're so strong they are close to debilitating, I have to turn to Him and give the battle back. It's not always pretty. It's never easy, but I do it over and over again. I honestly, don't know how any parent could ever do this without God. I'm 100% certain that without Him I would fall completely apart.


"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him."
Psalm 28:7