This Is Me Being Real

I want to start this post out with a major disclaimer. This is me being real, and this is how I feel right now in this moment on this Wednesday evening. This is not in any way directed at any one person. So if you find that you are offended or think I'm angry with you, I'm not. I will always welcome questions and comments and prayers. But I also want to be completely honest about what it's like going through this process with its rollercoaster of highs and lows, mountaintop and valley experiences. And today this is what it is like. 

Just a couple days ago I posted about surrendering everything to God. I wrote about how important it is to trust Him, and surrender every fear and every worry to Him. And nothing has changed in the last couple of days. I still firmly believe all of that.

But today . . .

Today, I'm struggling. Maybe it's because I have no paperwork to do. Maybe it's because it's been a month since we were in Bulgaria. Maybe it's because I miss my daughter like crazy. I don't know, but today, I'm struggling. I'm struggling with surrendering it all. 

The truth is I set Christmas up as this magical date. As if going to pick her up in January will be less special, less important, less meaningful. I want my daughter home for Christmas. I'm not going to pretend that I don't. But in order for that to happen a lot of things have to happen very quickly. Is it possible for us to travel to pick up our daughter before Christmas? Yes. We've had two couples from our agency recently go just over three months between trips so it is possible, but there is no guarantee. And that frustrates me. The not knowing. The waiting. The wondering. I hate it. I find it frustrating at best and maddening at worst. 

And then there are the questions. And the words of advice. And the comments. 

Just a few . . . 

"Why don't you have a date for trip 2?" Well, because we're dealing with a government, and governments always work at their own pace. Our government, their government . . . I can't make them work faster. Right now we're waiting for  a court date, and the only thing we can do (which is actually the biggest and best thing) is pray. And I pray . . . a lot. This whole crazy process has given me an entirely new perspective on "praying without ceasing".

"Gosh, this is going to be hard. How could you actually leave her in an orphanage?" Take however much you think you would miss your child if you had to leave them in an orphanage in another country and then multiply it by one million. Yep, it that's hard. And no, we weren't like "woohoo, we're leaving our kid in an orphanage for anywhere from 3-6 months!" But it's part of the process, and unless we wanted to completely ruin our adoption we had to leave her. I don't need to be reminded how difficult this is. I live it and breathe it every second of everyday.

And then there's my favorite, "You just need to be patient and wait on God." My child is in an orphanage in Bulgaria. And I know this, but I'm also human and a mother with a God given desire to care for and protect my children. So yes, I know I need to be patient and wait on God, but I'm going to have my moments. And I need to feel like if and when I have a moment, that I can just have it without anyone trying to make it better.

I'm going to stop now. Because the truth is (most) people are well meaning. And I don't want to lose every friend I've ever had because I'm in such a great mood tonight (insert sarcasm here). I'm just grouchy, and I'm really sorry I'm grouchy. I promise to be in a better mood next time we talk.