Home

Oh I have so much to say. But I just don't have the time ... or energy. Haha!

We've had our beautiful girl for almost 2 weeks now. The transition has had high points and low points, but overall it has been good. We are building bonds and attachments, playing chase, giggling, pitching fits (just being real), and working on routines. We've also been to the doctor just to check on a few things that needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all your prayers. They are being answered! Please continue to pray for amazing attachment and complete healing (emotional and physical) for our Anna girl. We love y'all!

Sorry no picture ... I can't get blogger to cooperate! Boo for that (insert sad/irritated face here)!

Anna's Room

Anna's room is done and ready for her. She'll most likely be sleeping in our room at first, but we are going to follow her lead on what's best for her. I love how everything turned out. And never, in my life, did I think I'd ever put so much pink in one room. I hope she's a girly girl, but if it turns out not to be her thing we can always change it.

Bringing Anna Home

On Feb. 14, 2011 we filled out an application to adopt internationally and sent it off to AGCI. A week later we made the final decision to adopt from Bulgaria, and with that, the great adoption paper chase began. Almost exactly six months later, we submitted our dossier, a huge stack of documents containing pretty much every personal detail of our lives, background checks, etc., to the Bulgarian Government and started officially waiting for our referral.

If you've followed my blog you know these four plus years have been filled with joy, anticipation, impatience, immense heartbreak, deep healing, and ultimately joy again. A week from today Anna Gayle will be forever in our arms. If you ask me how I'm feeling, I think the short answer would be, "It's complicated!" Am I excited? You have no idea. I cannot wait. And I feel like God moved mountains and worked miracles to move us along so very quickly. It will be less than five months from referral to pick up and exactly three months from the day we told Anna "ciao, ciao" to the day we pick her up. That is almost unheard of.

But what else am I feeling? Anxious, nervous, lots of anticipation, lots of uncertainty, some fear. Anna doesn't know that her world is about to be turned upside down. The orphanage and the children and caretakers she is with are the only home and family she's ever known. And while an orphanage is absolutely no place for a child to grow up, Anna doesn't know or understand that. We are not rescuing her. We are adding her to our family. But she's likely to think we're kidnapping her.

A friend told me the other day to trust God and let Him fill in the gaps, and that is some of the most beautiful and valuable advice I've gotten. We are not Anna's healers. God is. We are her family. She is our daughter and sister.

Having said all that, here are our prayer requests:

• Complete health, both physically and emotionally, for all four of us. Not just on pick up trip but continuing once we're home. The travel, the transition, the whole process can be physically and emotionally draining. Pray for God's supernatural healing and peace for all of us!
• Amazing attachment and transition time. Do not get me wrong, I know it is work. I know there will be tears and tantrums and grief, but I'm asking God to redeem the time we lost with Anna. Pray that bonding goes well from all angles! 
• Good sleep and appetites for all, especially our girl.
• Safe and smooth travel. Enough said.
• Beautiful, warmish weather in Bulgaria. 
• For our families and friends as we adjust. Pray for them to understand our need to keep Anna's world small for a while. And please know keeping her world small does not mean isolation. Calls, texts, and short visits from close family and friends are welcome as long as everyone is up to it. Just please understand that for a while we will ask you not to hold or hug on Anna, but you can certainly talk to her, laugh with her, hold her hands, and let her become familiar with you. 
• Pray for Patrick and I to have wisdom every step of the way. 

Thank you once again for all your support and your prayers!

We love you!

Happy Thanksgiving!!! We have so much for which to be thankful! 

“Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭100:4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Anna Gayle

Yesterday, a judge in Bulgaria officially made us the parents of Anna Gayle!

Anna is two and half years old. She's a tiny, beautiful bundle of energy. She's not talking yet, but we have no doubt she'll have plenty to say when she gets the hang of it. I'm not going to go into all of Anna's needs, other than to say, she's delayed. As a family, we are going to do everything we can to meet those needs, but what she needs more than anything right now is to have a family.

We're praying for travel dates soon! Please continue to pray for all of us as we prepare for this huge transition!

Updates, Transitions from Orphanage to Home, & Prayer Requests

So an update. We have a court date! November 10! We were assigned a judge that asks for a lot of extra documents. There is a lot I could say about that. There are a lot of opinions regarding requesting extra documents at this point. Bottom line? What anyone thinks or feels about this doesn't matter. She wants extra documents, we will do everything we can to get them to her.

I'll admit, I'm anxious. I'm anxious to have Anna here. I'm anxious about the transition and bonding and doing this right. I'm anxious about the responses of friends and family. See Anna doesn't know we're her parents. She doesn't see us as mom and dad yet. All she's ever known is life in an orphanage with multiple caregivers. So when she comes home we have to teach her to see us as her parents. What many others don't understand is that it is NOT harmless for her to be held and hugged and loved on by anyone other than us when she first comes home. For her it could, at the mild end, be confusing, and at the major end, it could hinder her attachments to us and ultimately extended friends and family. Former orphans are often friendly and outgoing, and everyone thinks this is great. While this looks wonderful on the outside, it really means that they are forming lots of shallow attachments rather than deep, meaningful ones. It is of the utmost importance that for a while we keep Anna's world tight and small. That Patrick and I do most of the holding and hugging and meeting of needs. That we spend a lot of time adjusting to life as and learning to be a family of four. It worries me because while I feel like some understand this, others don't. I don't want drama, or anger, or hurt feelings. That is so far from what we want. What we want is to do everything we can to help Anna heal and form healthy attachments. This attachment thing is not magical. It takes work and effort and understanding on everyone's part. But I promise if you allow us this time, which is really just a blip on the radar of her life, there will come a time where everyone can love on her, and she'll be happier and healthier because of it!****

So prayer requests:

* favor with the judge! 

* smooth transition into our home and family. And that the time spent in Bulgaria is amazing and that God uses that short time to bond us strongly. Also that the trips to and from are smooth. 

* amazing bonding and attachment between Anna and the three of us, and vice versa!

* complete emotional and physical health for Anna. I do believe Jesus meant it when He said He came to "proclaim liberty to the captives" (Luke 4:18), and I believe He can and will heal Anna from the hurts and traumas she's suffered in her short little life here on this earth.

* understanding from our many, many friends and family. We love you all so much and are so incredibly thankful for your support. We couldn't do this without you and continue to need you as we go into the next phase! 

* for all of us to be emotionally and physically well throughout this transition, but if you will pray specifically for Andrew. He's very excited, but he's never had to share us. No this is not a bad thing. Not even close, but this is going to rock his world in no small way! 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, your support, your love ... we love you and wouldn't be here without you!

**** I almost didn't type any of this, but I've asked God to help us know how to deal with and respond to others. You've all been waiting and praying right along with us, and I don't want to offend or hurt anyone. It is absolutely so far from my intention. High fives, pats on the back, quick hugs/squeezes while we're holding her are all okay. You can talk to her and smile and be friendly, but please, please help us enforce that we're her parents by directing her attention back to us if and when she reaches out. And like I said before, this will not be forever. It will be for just a few months as we adjust.

Eight Years

At 3:51 this morning Andrew turned eight years old. It's hard to believe it has been eight years. Yet, I cannot remember life without my (not so) little buddy. Andrew is kind hearted. He is compassionate. He is loving. He is 150% boy. He loves superheroes and video games. He has great debating skills ... interpretation: he's fabulous at arguing. He sings so loudly in church that people turn around and look at us. He loves Jesus with all of his eight year old little heart.

Happy birthday Buddy!

And Her Name Is (drumroll) ...

We our wrapping up our week in Bulgaria. It has been amazing, exhausting, exciting, and emotionally draining all at once. Today we are back in Sofia to finish up our paperwork. Part of that includes renaming our girl. With our little one last year, we planned on keeping her name. It fit well in America, and we liked both the name and what it meant. However, for various reasons, which I'm not going to explain in depth other than to say due to some of the origins and history, we decided to completely change our little girl's name.

Name meanings are very important to me. Not in a superstitious sort of way, but in the bible God always called people names that had big meanings. He called them what He intended them to be. More than a couple times throughout the bible, even well into adulthood, people's names were changed. So along those lines we decided to give her a name with a strong meaning. It was not easy to pick a name. It took a lot of back and forth, praying, and a little arguing to come up with her name, but we finally got it. Her first name will mean "Gracious; God has shown favor" and her middle name (my middle name also) means "her father's joy". So now that I've strung you along forever, her name will be ...

Anna Gayle 

We leave early, early tomorrow to fly home. Our connections are tight (short notice on flights will do that) so please pray we have no issues and catch all our flights. Also, please pray for continued good health and safety as we travel. Thank you for all your prayers! 

Countdown to Take Off

Sorry about the silence. Things have been crazy. Even though we accepted our referral three weeks ago, our agency here wanted us to wait on pics and videos before we made travel plans. We finally got them this past week. Oh. My. Word. Tiny, adorable, bright eyed ... did I say "tiny"? ... they're all great words to describe our sweet girl. Certainly worth the wait, and we fully expected to have travel dates Friday morning. What we didn't expect was to be asked to travel with just one week's notice! Yep, I said, "One week". Thankfully, I was already preparing. I have been setting aside clothing. Toiletries were ready to throw in bags. And I was able to get plane tickets at a really good price. So we will be boarding a plane next weekend and heading back to Bulgaria.

Once again, I'm going to throw prayer requests out there:
1. Pray for good health for all of us. Patrick had a stomach bug yesterday. He's feeling better. I'm about to don my hazmat suit and disinfect everything (I'm not really joking). But please pray for good health for everyone both now and throughout our trip.
2. Pray for safe travels.
3. Pray for a great time with our sweet girl.
4. Pray for Andrew's safety and peace as he's starting school while we're gone. I'm a little sad to be missing his first day of 2nd grade, but I know he's in good hands.
5. Pray for smooth sailing for this whole process. Yes, I'm a little apprehensive after what we've been through, but I'm believing that a year from now our girl will be sleeping in her crib in her room in our home.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For everything ... your prayers ... your support ... all of it.

This Is It

Last Friday, Andrew and I were out shopping. We were browsing around Marshall's when my sister posted on my wall on Facebook to tell me my phone wasn't ringing. I turned my phone off so it could reboot, and when I turned it back on, there was a voicemail from our caseworker asking me to call her back. I honestly thought it was about our home study because I had just sent an updated copy a couple days prior. But when I got on the phone with her, I quickly realized it was not about our home study.

It was . . . THE CALL!

There in the middle of Marshall's, shaking and trying my best to look sane, I heard about a precious little Bulgarian girl for the first time.

We've been waiting all week to consult with the International Adoption Pediatrician. Today, we finally had our consultation, and it went very well. Her medicals were pretty much as we had interpreted, and there weren't any big unknowns or surprises. Before we receive travel dates we'll get updated stats and videos. I wish I could give y'all all the the details, but I can't. Privacy is important, but I'll share that she's two and she's beautiful.

Our caseworker asked me today how I was doing, and it was the first time I really paused to think about it. I've been a bundle of nerves, but that's pretty normal for me. I'm also excited, but there's some fear there . . . a part of me is hesitant to fall head over heels in love. Last summer, I fell hard for another sweet little girl, and the heartbreak when we lost her was almost unbearable. But God does heal, and He has done amazing healing in our lives. He is a good God, and He gives us good gifts. And y'all this little one is a good gift.

I called my grandmothers tonight to tell them, and they were thrilled. It brought huge joy to my heart.

I seriously thought about waiting a long time to make this announcement. I even considered not telling until after Trip 1 or court, but first, I'm the world's worst secret keeper and second, y'all have been our partners and our support system throughout this journey. I think you deserve to know.  I've asked for prayers more times than I can count, and so tonight, I'm asking once again. Pray for our little one (name reveal to come soon . . . just as soon as we can come to a consensus . . . let's just say Andrew will not be naming her). Pray for her health, continued well being, and growth and development (normal kid stuff). Pray for us to have peace as we wait and peace as we go forward. Pray for smooth sailing and a quick process. Pray for great attachment and bonding for all of us.

As always thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers!

Mom Life

It's 1:15 in the morning. I've been asleep approximately 90 minutes. I've hit the sweet spot where deep sleep is starting to take over, and I'm starting to dream . Then somewhere in the recesses of my mind I hear something. At first I think it might be part of my dream. It's not.

"Mommy . . . Mommy . . . I don't feel good."

I pull myself out of the realm of blissful sleep and deliriously throw off the covers. I glance over at my sleeping husband and then trudge to the bathroom with my seven year old where we proceed to sit on the floor while he "decides" if he's going to be sick or not.

After about 20 minutes of hanging out on the bathroom floor, he says he's feeling a little better. He wants to get back in bed . . . the loft bed not the twin bed. I cannot convince him that the twin bed is a better option, and at almost 2:00 a.m., I don't have the fight in me to carry this argument further. I pray he doesn't puke all over his bed because I don't really want to climb up and down a ladder while cleaning his bed. I lay down on the twin bed in case he needs me. This might possibly be the most uncomfortable bed ever. Just as I start to doze off . . .

"Mommy . . . Mommy . . . my tummy feels nauseated. I think I'm going to throw up."

And up we go. Back to the bathroom. Back to sitting on the floor. Fifteen minutes pass. He's starting to feel better, but now he's worried that if he lays back down he'll feel sick again.

I have a light bulb moment. Didn't the pediatrician say you can give a child Benadryl if they're nauseated? Or maybe it was for motion sickness? Ehhh . . . potato . . . pototo (how the heck do you write that anyway???) . . . and maybe as a bonus it'll help him sleep. Who am I kidding? I hope it knocks him clean out. I'm tired.

He chokes down a Benadryl., "gacks" a few times but doesn't puke it up. That's a good sign. We head back to bed. It's now close to 3:00 a.m. Please Lord, let him sleep. He gets in bed. Thirty minutes go by, and he's definitely out. I roll out of my spot on the awful twin bed and stumble back to my comfy bed. Patrick mumbles, "Is Buddy okay?" I'm not sure if I answer. I'm asleep in less than 30 seconds.

And three hours later, the alarm goes off, and the day begins. I'm dragging, but Andrew? He's bright eyed and raring to go. Seriously kid?!?

These nights can be exhausting. The days that follow are long. But when it comes down to it, I wouldn't trade it for the world . . . or even a good night's sleep.

My Stitch Fix

Finally a post about something other than the emotional roller coaster that is adoption. And everyone said, "Hallelujah!"

This is actually a very superficial post, but sometimes that's okay . . . right? For those of you not interested in a post about clothes and hair feel free to skip out on this one. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled programming soon enough. 

First, I chopped my hair completely off today. I've had very short hair before, but for the past couple of years my hair has been pretty long. I have a ton of hair, however, and I was very tired of the maintenance and time that long hair takes. I'm hoping this will be quick and easy. 

And now, my Stitch Fix. If you don't know what Stitch Fix is you can learn about it here. I've been signed up for quite a while, but because I'm only working part time at a job where t-shirts and shorts are acceptable, I have been waiting to order. Since we are headed to the beach in a couple weeks (woohoo!), I decided to schedule an order for some cute, "beachy" type styles. Overall, I was pleased, but I didn't keep everything. Here's the breakdown . . . 

Awkward picture taking aside, I absolutely love this dress. It fits me perfectly, and the detailing is so pretty. It was a little higher than my normal price point, but I loved it so much that I decided to keep it. 

This shirt is super cute. The neckline has pretty detailing. It'll look really cute with skinny jeans. Another keeper. 

I liked these shorts a lot, but I already have quite a few pairs very similar in style to these. They were also a little big in the waist so they are going back. 

This tank was perfectly fine in the front, but the lace detail in the back was what sold me. That and the fact that it fit me perfectly. I will also be keeping this top. 

I wasn't crazy about this necklace. It was a little busy and costume jewelry-esque for me. I decided to send it back. 

I was really pleased with my order overall, and I'll be ordering again in the future. As I move into my mid 30s (yikes), I've decided that I only want to buy and keep clothes I love. I've also decided that my goal when it comes to clothes is stylish, comfy, and grown up. No I'm not going for frumpy, but I'm determined to stay away from the junior's section. Just because I can wear it, doesn't mean I should. 

Day by Day

I learned yesterday, through unofficial channels, that our agency received another referral this week. News travels fast in the adoption world . . . well, at least among the adoptive families.

A quick rundown on how the process works because I think a lot of people get confused and rightfully so. We are pursuing what is commonly called a traditional referral (someday I'll also explain the waiting child route). This is where the Bulgarian government makes the match for the family. When you submit your dossier (your file) to Bulgaria to be registered you also submit age, gender, and special needs parameters. Bulgaria then does everything within their power to match families with children that they feel are a good fit to those very specific parameters. This is why people get referrals out of order. This is why it can take so long. Our special needs parameters are pretty open, but there are others that are far more open. Our special needs range from mild to moderate, both correctable and incorrectable, possibly treatable. Our age range is quite likely what holds us back. In our latest home study, we did raise our age range, but we're still requesting a young child which is very common. I don't often discuss our parameters because there is so much controversy surrounding them. Some people can't believe that we are knowingly and willingly adopting a child that isn't perfectly healthy. Other people feel that we should open our special needs and age parameters even more. These are hard decisions to make, and we did not make them lightly. 

So back to the referral . . . I have no idea if the referral was for a boy or a girl. I have no idea if it was for a younger or older child. I have no idea what that's child's special needs are, and it's likely I never will. I'd love to say that I felt joy . . . joy for a child that finally has a family . . . joy for a family that finally has a child. But I didn't. I felt hurt. Gut wrenching hurt (and maybe just an inkling of anger . . . I'm being real here). All of the thoughts and fears with which I've often struggled came flooding in . . . Is there something wrong with us? Maybe we aren't open enough? Did I do something wrong? Am I not a good enough mother to be a mother to a child from a hard place? 

None of these questions are true depictions of the situation, but they all cast doubt in my heart. They are not the thoughts nor the plans God has for me. They are fear driven thoughts, and I refuse to let fear drive this train. I struggled with them throughout the night. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. with a physical ache in my heart. While my inclination is to throw myself a pity party, I know that's not what God wants me to do. So I turned it all over to Him.That sounds so simple, but the process of "turning it over" is far from simple. It's more along the lines of prying these thoughts, pains, and doubts from a very closed, very clenched fist. There is nothing wrong with us (well, nothing that hasn't been redeemed by the blood of Christ). I'm not a perfect mother, but God has infinitely blessed me as I seek Him in how to parent my children (however many I end up with . . . I'm leaving that number open ended). This is not punishment no matter how much it may feel like it at the moment. And we've sought God in making the decision regarding the special needs, as well as the age range, we can and cannot accept. 

I have to remember to put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). I have to remember that this battle is not just physical but also spiritual. I have remember to pray more than I whine . . . to continue to stand . . . that "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). 

I don't write this for sympathy nor do I write it for accolades. I'm not amazing. I'm not always good at this waiting thing. I'm not superwoman, but a while back I was praying and telling God that I would have a huge testimony when this adoption is finally done. What the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart was not, "Yes, one day you will have a huge testimony." Instead it was, "Your testimony is now. Your testimony is what you are living each and every day. Your testimony isn't in what you perceive as victory because even after the adoption is finalized there will still be obstacles to overcome, but your testimony is in how you live and rely on Me daily." Some days I do well. Other days, I don't, but I want to be honest. I'm hoping in my honesty that I don't come across as a big crybaby, but as a person, seeking God and learning to rely on Him and His Word. I'm hoping that in my honesty others see God and His goodness and also choose to seek Him day by day.

Reflections on 12 Years of Marriage (and An Awesome Post Script!)

Tomorrow, on July 12, we will celebrate 12 years of marriage. When I look at this picture, I think, "Gosh we were just babies." Were we ready to be married? Maybe ... maybe not. I think marriage is a lot like having children, it's something you learn by doing. You're going to have good moments and bad moments. You're going to say and do things you shouldn't. You're also going to do and say things you should, and it will be awesome. Two imperfect people, coming together, working toward becoming one isn't a completely cut and dry process, but it a beautiful process. If you were to ask me what to look for in a spouse, I'd say don't look for the smartest, or the most attractive, or the most charming ... I'd say look for someone who respects you. Look for someone who works to understand you. Look for someone who supports you and cares about your needs. Look for someone who serves God first. And also work toward being the person who has all of these qualities. (And if you're already fighting and having major drama before you're married, marriage isn't going to fix those issues. It will only amplify them ... just my 2 cents.)

This past year of marriage has been challenging. Not by our choice, but life has thrown us some pretty big curveballs. I'm not going to rehash everything. If you want to read about it, you can go back through the last year of posts. But what I can say is that this last year has brought out our best (and maybe sometimes our worst) qualities. It has been a refining year for us personally, as a couple, and as a family. It has found us leaning into one another and on God more than ever before. It's been a pretty amazing year. I haven't loved every second. There are actually big chunks, on which I'd rather not dwell, but I wouldn't change it. I think this past year has shaped us and has been significant in growing us up more than any other year in our lives. 

Having said all that, I'm hoping that the next year of marriage and family life holds amazing and beautiful things. I'm praying it's the year we become the parents of two children. I think we're really ready (go ahead and laugh at my naivety). I'm praying that we become even closer in the next year, and we continue to grow in love for one another. I'm praying for great things this next year. 

And now a little (amazing) Post Script: Every year, in August, Bulgaria (and a lot of Europe) basically shuts down for summer vacation. This means that during this time, the Bulgarian government works very little and no referrals are issued. This summer vacation usually starts a little before August, and extends into September a couple weeks. Last year, there were six weeks without any meetings of the adoption committee. I was really dreading the break this year because I knew it would mean weeks lost and wasted. On Thursday, we got word that the branch of government that handles international adoptions will not shut down, meetings will still be held, and referrals will still be issued! This is huge y'all! Things may (or may not be) a bit slower, but stuff will still be happening. That in and of itself is a huge answer to prayer. 

Transparent

For months now my days have followed the same pattern, at least on days that our adoption agencies are open. I wake up, I pray that today will be "the day", and I watch the clock. I watch as it creeps closer to 10:30 and then eases on past noon. I watch and wait, and as the day wears on, I feel the disappointment begin to set in. And I do it all over again the next day. Weekends and holidays are a relief because I feel like I can go through my day without the anticipation and anxiousness of wondering.

There's a fine line between hopeful expectation and anxious waiting. There are too many days I cross the line over into anxiousness. Recently, I've been struggling with how to wait with grace and patience. I've been struggling with feelings of us being forgotten. I've honestly wondered if it will ever happen. I've watched others get referrals and trip 1 dates and court dates and pick up dates, and I've felt more than just pangs of jealousy. I hate that I have these feelings. I hate that I feel envious. It's not what I want, and I don't really like being this open or honest. It doesn't give the greatest impression, but I also know it's not what God wants for me. So, I decided to stop expecting. I decided to just not look at the clock. I thought that maybe if I could just pretend that there was nothing for which to wait then it would be easier, but it's just not that simple. This isn't something you can just block out. 

Last night, my husband was teaching youth, and he read this passage:

John 20:25-28New King James Version (NKJV)"25 The other disciples therefore said to him, “We have seen the Lord.”So he said to them, “Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe.”26 And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, “Peace to you!” 27 Then He said to Thomas, “Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing.”28 And Thomas answered and said to Him, “My Lord and my God!”"

I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was doing everything I could to keep from bawling in front of a bunch of teenagers. You see, this passage may be about Thomas doubting Jesus's resurrection, but in those moments as we read through these scriptures, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, and I knew that I was no different than Thomas. I may not have doubted the existence of Jesus, but I have doubted His ability. I've doubted that He loves me as much or will do for me what He's done for others. I've doubted that He knows what He is doing. 

Then this morning, on facebook (where I've met some of the greatest friends via adoption), a few of us girls were commenting back and forth, and one of my friends, Bethany, said this, "While I do believe God is sovereign and in control, this process has also showed me that there is corruption/evil/battles in the journey to get kids out of orphanages. I have learned that there is a balance between trusting 'God's timing' and standing up to fight injustice. I don't believe it's God's will for kids to lay in orphanages for years waiting." Nail. Head. That's all. And God took that opportunity to remind me that waiting is not the equivalent of inaction. Nor do we get to spend this time groveling in self pity.

Ephesians 6:12-18New King James Version (NKJV)"12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints."

I need to remember that I have the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet wearing the gospel of peace, and a helmet of salvation to protect me. And when the darts of anger, jealousy, frustration, and discouragement start to creep in, I need to raise that shield of faith up and use the sword of the spirit to fight them off. 

My sweet friend Courtney sent me this scripture the other morning:Hebrews 11:1 NIV"1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

How many times have I read that? But, as so often happens, we see things in a new light when we are facing huge challenges. "Sure" and "certain" ... I'm not always or even often either of these, but I need to be. I don't understand everything that has happened. Sometimes it seems grossly unfair and doesn't make sense. Yet, I know that in our situation black and white, right and wrong were not as clear. And I can either let God be glorified in this or let my fears be glorified. Either way, it's up to me. 

The Tape Playing In My Head

It's July. July 3rd will mark one year since we received the call about our first referral. We are doing well ... very well, actually. The other day, I found myself looking back at pictures from last year's trip, not with sadness or grief, but with a smile and thankfulness. That's huge y'all, and it indicates huge healing. But in the midst of that we are anxiously expectantly hoping to receive another referral soon.

Still, even with all the healing that has happened and grief that has been processed, there is a tape that wants to play in my head. Tape?!? Yikes, that makes me old. Anyway, it goes something like this:

"You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be waiting. You should be changing diapers and losing sleep and chasing a two year old. You should be in the throes of exhaustion. You should be tripping over toys and going to the doctor and worrying about developmental milestones. You shouldn't be here."

It's not so much a sad tape as a whiny, pouting, "this isn't fair and this isn't what I signed up for" tape, and I'm positive I'm not the only one playing it. Maybe it's a failed marriage. Maybe it's a lost loved one. Maybe it's unmet expectations. Maybe it's a job you lost or a promotion you didn't receive.  

So a couple mornings ago, I was playing this tape for God, and I heard clearly in my heart, "Stop it!" Stop playing the tape of what should've been. Stop focusing on what wasn't. Start focusing on what is and have hope in what will be. 

I can't change the past. I can't undo what's been done. But I can have hope for the future. I can have hope in the One who holds that future. So it's time to change my tape (or c.d. or the song on my playlist ... guess it all depends on when you were born). 

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you." (‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11-12‬ NKJV)

A "Children of Israel Moment"

I am human. Painfully so at times. I am not perfect. I mess up. I doubt. I don't trust. I have moments ... "Children of Israel Moments".

The Children of Israel ...

If you've read anything about them in the Old Testament of the Bible, then you've quickly caught on to how fickle they could be. One day they were praising God. The next doubting Him. He delivered them out of Egypt. He parted the Red Sea, and they walked across on dry land. He turned bitter waters sweet. Yet, they complained and grumbled. He sent manna from Heaven, but they wanted meat. So God sent quail as well as bread. God provided and continued to provide, and how did the Children of Israel respond? When Moses was delayed coming down from the Mountain of God, they made a golden calf and worshipped it.

Throughout the Old Testament you see the back and forth, the ebb and flow of the Children of Israel. They trust and find God faithful, and they celebrate His goodness. Yet it seems that they just as easily forget and doubt. Despite their selfish and shortsighted behavior, God suffers long with them. Time and again, He shows mercy on the Children of Israel.

As a Christian, I've often read through these passages of scripture and wondered how The Children of Israel could have been so faithless in spite of all God had done for them. There were times when they flat out rebelled. There were times when they acted as if God no longer existed and panicked. Even after all He had done for them, they doubted that God was for them.

Yes, I have wondered, but the thing is, I do the same thing. God has shown Himself faithful in my life time and again, yet, I doubt. I let fear wash over me. I think "it" will never happen. I may not be melting down all my jewlery to make a golden calf, but I turn my fear, worry, and doubt into an idol.

I was driving home from work this afternoon, and I was whining praying. It was the same book, chapter 452 ... it's a long book ... you know the typical, "When and Why?" storyline. That's when I realized I was having a "Children of Israel Moment". I've seen God's faithfulness. I know His goodness, but I was doubting. And rest assured this isn't the first time. Like I said before "Chapter 452".

But here's the thing, it can all be turned around in a second. With just a simple prayer of trust and repentance, I am right back in a place of believing God. He doesn't condemn me. He doesn't rake me over the coals. He doesn't remind me of all my doubts and fears. He just welcomes me back where I belong with open arms. I'm not saying I'll never have another "moment", but I know this, the love of my Jesus far outweighs all of my past, present, and future "moments" combined.

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:13-14

Happy Father's Day

To all the fathers in my life I wish you a Happy Father's Day.

To my brothers-in-law Chad and Hector, you are the greatest dads to your kids and watching your patience and love towards your children is a blessing.

To my father-in-law Allen and my own Dad, thank you for your unconditional love and wisdom, I love you both!

To my Papa in heaven, I miss you so much, and know you're celebrating with your Heavenly Father today. To my Pops here on earth, thanks for being an amazing grandfather.

And last, but never least, to my husband , Patrick, you are an example of everything a father should be. You are kind, caring, patient, loving, and an absolutely amazing father. We love you!

Where Feet May Fail

July 2nd of last year, as I drove home alone late at night, I sang . . .

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail

And I knew, somewhere in the deepest part of myself, that I was being called out upon the waters. I knew that I was being called out of my boat, but I didn't have the slightest idea what that meant.

Mid morning July 3rd my phone rang, and I saw our adoption caseworker's name and number. My heart pounded as I answered that call . . . the call that would forever change our lives. And I thought, "This must be it."

And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep 
My faith will stand

August of 2014, we boarded a plane and flew to Bulgaria. There we met the most beautiful little girl who stole our hearts in every way. In five days time she had us wrapped around her finger. As we left her to come back to the States and await a court date, my eyes filled with tears, and it took all my willpower to hold myself together. And I thought, "This must be it."

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

As the weeks crept by I longed to hold my little girl. To pick her up. To rock her once again. Then on that devastating morning in September my phone rang again. Once again, my heart pounded as I listened. Only this time it wasn't with excitement, but instead with grief like I've never experienced in my life, and the chaos and loss that ensued threatened to overtake me.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

We grieved. Yet, we had to continue to move forward. There were many days that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide from the world. I didn't hide, but I did allow myself to grieve and feel, and a million times a day I turned it over to God.

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

One morning I woke up, and instead of intense sadness, I once again felt hope. Hope that I thought I may have lost, but instead, I found it was just buried beneath the enormous weight of grief. As the grief began to heal, the hope began to grow again.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior*

The hope and desire to meet our daughter are so strong now that they are almost tangible. This has grown into so much more than an adoption story. It has grown into a story of faith, and trust, and surrender, and healing. Sometimes, I have a moment when I think I'd like to get back in the boat . . . the waiting, the anticipation, the wondering when it will happen again can be exhausting. But then I look around and realize the boat isn't even in sight anymore. I've moved so far out of the safety and security of my comfort zone that I'm not even sure what that feels like anymore. I've stopped thinking, "This must be it." I've come to understand that there is no "moment" where our faith grows into something solid, and deep, and immovable. It is in a series of moments throughout our lifetime, as we turn our eyes continually back to Him, that our faith is solidified. So if anyone needs me I'll be out here, walking with my Savior on the water, and if, at times, I start to sink, I'll trust Him to keep my eyes above the waves.

*Words from "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" by Hillsong United

Why One Isn't Enough

This post is something that has been rolling around in my head for quite some time. I have been trying to think about how to write it without offending anyone, and so I want to say up front that it is no way the point of this post.

I've had people tell me that I'm very blessed to have Andrew . . . that I should be thankful. After all, there are many women out there struggling just to get pregnant with their first one . . . And y'all that is the total and absolute truth. I am no stranger to the struggle to get pregnant. We tried for a long time before we saw that positive sign on the pregnancy test. Without going into all the nitty gritty details, getting pregnant was boiled down to science in our house. When I finally got pregnant, I did everything by the book. I didn't so much as take a tylenol. I exercised every day. I ate all the right things. I didn't touch lunch meat for my entire pregnancy. And at 35 weeks, I had an emergency that threatened both my life and Andrew's. His pediatrician called him the "miracle baby", and it is truly by the grace of God that he is sitting in my living room right now. Very soon after Andrew's birth, we learned that a subsequent pregnancy would be extremely high risk for both me and the baby. So, yes, I totally understand how blessed I am to have Andrew. I totally get that others would give their right arm for just one child. I completely and totally get it.

But here's the thing. Even with how much I love and adore my son, I've always wanted more kids. I've always wanted Andrew to be a big brother. Pregnancy was hard on me, and adoption has been on the radar since before we were married so that was an easy tranisiton. But I have wrestled with the whole idea of being satisfied with just one child. I have dear friends and family that have one kiddo, and they are thrilled with just having one. Do not misunderstand me, if you only have one child (or no children), and you have no desire for more, then I am more than happy for you. But I've never seen myself as the parent of just one. To be honest, I've always seen myself as the mom of three or four (my mom and my husband both just had small heart attacks). I'm not sure if that will happen, but I do know that I was meant to be the mother of more than one.

Does being a mother complete me? No . . . God does.

Is my family incomplete without my daughter? No because our completeness isn't found in one another. It's found in Him.

But after struggling for a long time with comparing myself to those who have only one child, and wondering if I should just be "happy with what I have", I've come to the realization that my desire and passion to not only have more children, but to adopt comes from God. And that is why I'm not okay with just having one.

34

Today is my 34th birthday . . .

I promise I'm not fishing for birthday wishes. ;)

Birthdays aren't a huge deal to me. I'm not a big gift person. If there is something in particular I want or need, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, I like to get money so I can use it to pay bills. I'm fun like that. (I do want to say thank you for all the Facebook birthday wishes. Those make a girl smile.)

The thing I like about birthdays is that they represent another fresh start.

For me, 33 was a beautiful, heartbreaking, wonderful, hard year. It was probably the hardest year of my life thus far, but I've learned so much. I've learned what it means to endure sadness and grief and come through it. I've learned that I serve a God that truly "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). I've prayed more, cried more, and oddly enough, laughed more this year than ever before. It has been a year of extremes.

Having said all that, I'll also say that I'm not altogether sad to see 33 go. As the matter of a fact, I'm pretty happy to say goodbye to it.

Here's to big things this year!

Dealing With It ("It" being the proverbial elephant in the room . . . our adoption process and progress . . . or lack thereof)

Why haven't I posted?

Why haven't I updated?

Have I heard anything?

Well, there's the fact that my computer is currently 99% virus and maybe 1% usable whilst on the internets, but I won't let anyone fix it because I have control issues and a fear of losing all 7,295 photographs on my hard drive. 

There's the fact, that it rained. Not a nice little rain, but more like days and days of torrential downpours, and apparently, all of Texas could've been covered in eight inches of water or some such nonsense. And my parents were flooded in forever . . . or a couple of days . . . it's all the same in Courtneyland. And Andrew's school flooded so the school year ended a day or so early which was actually a blessing in disguise because my child got the virus with all the symptoms (and when I say "all" I mean "ALL" . . . congestion, vomiting, sore throat, coughing . . . yeah) . . . We'll just say Memorial Day Weekend was a bust. 

Then there is the whole yearly "time to do our home study (again)" fiasco. And that has put me in a mood.

But bottom line. I don't want to post yet another "no news" blog. I want to come on here and shout from the rooftops that we're going (back) to Bulgaria. I'm tired of asking for prayers. I'm tired of sounding like I'm whining . . . which is ironic given everything I've written thus far in this post. Seriously y'all if I hear one more time (and I've said all of this countless times myself so don't get your underwear in a bunch) that I need to "trust God's timing" and "He knows when" and "focus on the here and now and be thankful", I might just lose it. 

I know.

I know all of these things. 

I know that it is in God's timing. 

I know He knows.

I know I need to be thankful for what I have. 

I know. 

But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how long and hard this wait has been.

It doesn't change the fact that I'm worn out.

It doesn't change the fact that I need some good news.

Maybe you can see why I haven't posted. Whining isn't so super awesome, but writing this is helpful. It helps me to process my feelings. Rarely do I just write what I'm feeling completely unfiltered. Okay maybe, this is a little filtered because well, I still like you people. And I remember when I used to write cute, witty (or at least I thought they were witty) little blog posts with just enough sarcastic humor thrown into the mix. That was nice. I'm sure someday I'll get back to that point, but right now I'm walking a fine line between hopeful expectation and all out anxiety about this wait. And it's really hard to not think about the adoption. It's kind of like pretending you're not 41 weeks pregnant when you obviously are. So please bear with me. Hopefully, I will be able to shout good news soon. Until then I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and deal. 

Statistics and Prayer Requests

I can honestly say that in the last month (really since the start of this year), I've prayed more fervently and more specifically than I ever have before. That's not to say that I haven't done either in the past, but this adoption, the waiting, the loss, the longing for another referral, have brought me to a level of prayer, trust, and faith in God that I've never had before.

That's not to say I don't get discouraged. I do. Somedays, I find myself feeling very let down (I'll explain a little more about why in a moment), but I repeatedly turn it over to God. I find myself praying at 3:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. and everytime in between.

I'm a numbers and stats person. I'm very Type A, and for quite some time I've followed all the referral stats coming out of Bulgaria (and although I know there are those that will tell me just not to look, I feel that this helps me to be more specific in my prayers). First, I regularly look at and piecemeal translate all of the stats off the Bulgarian Government's website. It's not the most efficient method, but it gets me the information I need. I also follow the blog of another adoptive mother who takes the time to translate in detail each meeting of the IAC (they're the ones that issue the referrals). Here is some of the info I've gathered:

* In the years 2013 and 2014, 10-15+ referrals (sometimes more) were issued at most meetings. These were a mixture of both traditional and waiting children of varying ages and special needs.
* At this point in 2014, there had been 15+ referrals for little girls in our age range (I know there were at least 15, but I'm thinking it's closer to 20). We are open to quite a few special needs, but our age range is young, which we are well aware slowed down our referral time. We have always been very aware of that. (No need to tell me)
* At this point in 2015, there have only been 6 or 7 referrals (one set of twins so I'm not sure how to count that) for little girls in our age range. 
* At this point in 2015, there are only around 10-12 referrals issued per meeting, sometimes less. 
* There were very few referrals in the month of April. 

(I also have other stats for boys and some for older children, but I don't know them off the top of my head, and I'd need to double check the accuracy) 

So what does all this mean? These are the stats. These are the facts. I'm a very concrete person so when I look at these it's very easy for me to become discouraged and quite panicky. 

This is what my eyes see  . . .

But . . .

Over the past few months, God has been showing me that this is not just an earthly battle. This is a spiritual battle, and it must be fought on a spiritual front. My last post was entitled Far Be It From Me to Not Believe, Even When My Eyes Can't See, and in it I referenced the song "It is Well" by Kristene DiMarco. I have listened to this song multiple times in the past couple weeks and one of my favorite lines says:

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Y'all right now my physical eyes can't see, and it would be very easy to give in to that. To let the fear and discouragement and resentment creep in. But time and again, I go back to this line. Far be it from me . . . 

So I pray. I pray in desperation. I pray in praise. I pray in thankfulness. I pray in tears. I pray.

And once again, I'm asking you to join me in prayer. I know that this is our journey to walk, but I also know that many of you have come alongside and walked it diligently and prayerfully with us. I'm asking you to pray for an increase in referrals. I'm asking for you to pray for there to be an urgency to match these children with families. I'm asking you to pray.

"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God - it changes me." C.S. Lewis

Far Be It From Me to Not Believe, Even When My Eyes Can't See

I know I said I'd see y'all in a month, but I felt like I needed to share this on Mother's Day. This past year has been both beautiful and extraordinary and difficult and heartbreaking for our family. And every step of the way God has been right here with us, carrying us, comforting us, and mending our shattered hearts.

Every so often a song is written that speaks to my heart in a deeply special and intimate way. Today, in church, my husband led a song of which I've heard bits and pieces but to which I've never given my full attention. Today, I did, and I can honestly say that no song has ever spoken to me like this. Every single word fit. I didn't have to try to make it connect or relate to my life. I felt like it had been written expressly to speak to me. And so I wanted to share it. No matter where you are in life He is there, through it all.

I hope all of you had a blessed and beautiful Mother's Day!

Taking A Break

I'll be logging off the blog for at least the next month in order to focus on seeking God and to pray for movement in Bulgaria. Talk to y'all in about a month (give or take).

Thankful

Thank you to each and every one of you who listened to yet another fit via my last blog post. Thank you for your prayers and your support and your kind words. This journey is hard ... exceptionally hard. It brings with it extreme joys and great hope, but it also brings with struggles and heartbreak not only while waiting but, for many, even after they are home. After a lot of struggling and wrestling with this whole situation, I finally came to the realization that God is on the throne. Not the Bulgarian or United States governments, not the MOJ or the IAC, not any agency ... We have turned this over to God. We've asked Him to lead and guide the IAC and MOJ. We've asked Him to "surround us with favor as a shield" (Psalm 5:12), and He has done all of those things. I don't always understand the timing, and I will continue to daily, hourly, moment by moment bring our requests before His throne knowing that He hears me, and He loves us. I can rest securely in that knowledge.

And now I want to take a few minutes to talk about something else. :) You see with all we've been through I sometimes forget to say what a blessing this kid is.

Statistics say he shouldn't even be here, and at the very least, he should have severe brain damage. But we are a family that doesn't pay much attention to statistics. If you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you've probably figured that out. 

Andrew is seven and a half now. He's one of the sweetest kids you'll ever meet. He talks incessantly. He loves superheroes to the point of obsession. He wants to either be a Texas Ranger or Colossus when he grows up. The jury is still out on that one. He sings constantly. He loves Jesus. He has strong opinions and can be stubborn. He's funny ... really funny. He is my buddy and my pal, and he will make an amazing, albeit bossy, big brother one day.

I know what a blessing he is. I know what a blessing being a mom is. Even on those days when I'd like to take a vacation to an island in the middle of nowhere, that knowledge sits squarely in the back of my mind. And for all the moments I wish I could stop time and keep him young, there are a million more where I am amazed at the little miraculous person he has become. 

"The days go so slowly, yet the years go by so fast ... "

Delays

If our adoption story was a novel, at least one chapter, quite possibly two, could be dedicated to delays in the process. It comes with the territory.

Right now the Bulgarian government is working on making sure that all of the agencies on the Bulgarian end have their accreditations up to date. They will be focused on this for about the next four weeks which will delay the releasing and issuing of referrals among other things. There's no way around it. It has to be done in order for these agencies to facilitate referrals, but it is frustrating . . . understatement of the century.

Here's the thing ...

There have been referrals issued in the past few weeks that have not been released. We know that much. We also know that there will be more referrals issued in the coming weeks because the IAC, the committee that issues the referrals, will still be meeting (as far as we know).

There are kids living in orphanages that need homes. There are families ready and willing to adopt these kids.

So here I go with the prayer requests again. Anyone sick of my prayer requests yet?

Pray that we are in the group of referrals issued but not released.
Pray that in spite of all that's going on that they are still able to issue and release referrals over the next month.
Pray that things pick up in Bulgaria. It's been quiet and slow lately.
Pray for the families waiting for kids and the kids waiting for families. This is hard on all involved.

Pray that I don't pull all my hair out or lose the last ounce of sanity I have left. I'm. Over. Waiting. Like way over it. In my head, I feel like we shouldn't even be here right now. Like we went backward instead of forward, and I am not happy about it. Sorry if that doesn't sound very sweet and holy, but I'm being honest. I need to be given an extra large dose of patience right now. I'm very thankful I serve a God who loves me and doesn't give up on me in spite of my fits and impatience.

As always, thank you all for every single prayer and all of your support. It means the world to us.

Empowered to Connect

This past weekend Patrick and I had the opportunity to attend The Empowered to Connect Conference that is put on by Show Hope (the adoption foundation started by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth).

About a year and a half ago a fellow adoptive mother recommended a book to me called The Connected Child, a book written to give hope to adoptive families and those parenting kids from hard places. One of the main authors of the book, Dr. Karyn Purvis, has spent years not only researching but putting into practice her ideas and methods to help kids from hard places all over the world. In 10 years of teaching, I went through numerous trainings and informational sessions, and I taught numerous kids with very extreme and severe emotional needs and deep trauma in my classroom. It seemed like we always worked to modify behavior, but we didn't get to the heart of the issues (which was very hard to do in a classroom with 22 kids many of which were high needs, high risk). I knew a lot about the issues, but I didn't know a lot about how to deal with the underlying hurts and traumatic experiences that led to these issues in the first place. This book offered answers that made sense, and that meshed well with our Christian worldview. Then around November, I discovered the Empowered to Connect website, and I realized that not only did it offer numerous resources, but they were hosting a conference in April in San Antonio where Dr. Purvis and her team would be teaching and speaking. I hate conferences . . . I couldn't wait for this one, and it did not disappoint.

I will not reinvent the proverbial wheel by going into all of the strategies and methods Dr. Purvis taught. I am sure that I would do her and her team a great injustice by even trying. I will tell you that this isn't a new way or method of disciplining. It is actually living day in and out in such a way that we build strong bonds of trust with our kids. (I am going to list resources at the end of this post so please look into those for more info on the exact details.) 

After thinking about and processing everything we heard this weekend, I wanted to talk about a few things that stuck with me:

(1) These children can heal. I think this is one of the most encouraging and important pieces of the weekend. These kids are not hopeless, but we must meet the needs of the whole person: physical (good nutrition, balanced blood sugar, etc.) and spiritual needs are not separate from one another. These kiddos are not doomed to a life of just barely getting by. They can heal, but if we don't, with God's help and guiding, help to facilitate that healing then we will at best end up spinning our wheels and at worst end up moving backwards very quickly. Dr. Purvis spent some time discussing the brain and how it heals, and it is very important that we connect with these kids in such a way that helps the brain to build new healthy pathways. Yelling, demanding, punishing, separating, inducing shame . . .  it just doesn't work with traumatized kids (and it's not awesome with bio kids either). They cannot respond to these types of discipline because their brains literally cannot handle it. And yes, even babies can and do experience trauma.

(2) This whole process, however, is not dependent as much on the what the child brings to the relationship as it is on what the parent brings to the relationship. We have to look at our triggers and ask ourselves why they set us off. We have to look at our ways of attaching to others both as a child and now, and deal honestly with anything that needs to be dealt with. As one presenter put it take a good hard look at and own "the good, the bad, and the ugly". Then let it go, forgive if needed, and move forward. We can't help these kids heal if we haven't "owned" our own issues. Healing is a journey but we need to let God make us whole in order to help our children be made whole. Also, and this was reiterated numerous times throughout the weekend, we need to avoid feeling shame for mistakes we've made. Change is possible. Shame is not helpful nor does God want us living in shame. 

(3) Every child is precious, and they need to know it in both the "sunshine and the rain". That seems like such a given, but when these kids mess up and we berate them, we lecture them, we tell them they're bad, they feel far from precious. Do we need to be firm? Yes. Do we tolerate disrespect? Never. Are we permissive? Absolutely not, but we need to let them know that even in the midst of a meltdown they are loved and precious.

The things on which I am currently working with Andrew: (1) I need to play more. I tend to get caught up in what needs to be done around the house, and I neglect play. (2) Along with this, I need to be present in the moment. I need to take the time to snuggle on the couch and listen to my child(ren). I do not want to in any way be dismissive of my children. (3) I am researching how to create a sensory rich environment. I'm not entirely sure how it will look right now because I want it to meet the specific needs of my child, but I am researching. (4) I am going to stop expecting "perfect" from both myself and others (this one is more from the book than the conference). 

There was so much more to this conference. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I learned. I encourage, again, to check into the resources. Read the book. Watch the video clips. 

Resources (these main resources will lead you to more resources than I could ever list . . . click for more info):

Empowered to Connect

Created to Connect: A Christian's Guide to the Connected Child

The Connected Child

Show Hope

TCU Institute of Child Development