Christmas Time Again

I'm resharing this post from two years ago. This year I won't listen to this song. I know what it says, and I know that it speaks to the deepest desires of my heart. But I will share. Praying that next year our daughter is in our arms and not in an orphanage. 

From December 2012: 

I posted this last year, and I'll post it every Christmas until our little girl comes home to us. Praying for you sweet girl . . . praying that you'll be here to share Christmas with us very soon.

Reflections of a Year Gone By

It's hard to believe that Christmas is less than a week away, and the New Year is rapidly approaching. We're trying to soak up every last second of Christmas around here as we know it will be behind us all too soon.

I've had more than one person mention to me that we've had a rough year. It's funny, but I'm always a little taken back by the statement. I'm not hurt or insulted. It just kind of surprises me. But as I reflect on 2014, I can see where someone might get that idea.

The first four months were relatively uneventful. Then Patrick started off May by falling off a ladder which resulted in two broken feet and surgery on one foot, but he was back on his feet (pun totally intended) in about eight weeks time. While it was inconvenient and certainly messed up some of our plans, it could've been much, much worse. God protected Patrick and has healed him.

In July, we received "the call" that all adoptive families anxiously anticipate. In August, we were blessed to meet the most precious little girl and fell madly in love. In September, our hearts were broken, and we found out that we would not be bringing this sweet girl home to live with us. What we went through was awful. The grief was indeed gut wrenching, but we went through it. Yes, there are times when I find myself thinking about the what ifs and what should've and could've beens, but mostly, I feel peace. If I could do it all over again, I'd still get on that plane and fly all the way to Bulgaria to meet that precious baby girl. If somehow our being there helped her parents to realize that they did want to have her and raise her, then I'm thankful for that. God has been faithful. He always is.

In October, my grandfather passed from his earthly life to Heaven. I miss him every single day, but I wouldn't ask him to come back for the world. He lived a full life here on this earth and he left behind a beautiful legacy. He was richly blessed. We are richly blessed. The best way to show honor and love for him is for us to live our lives to the fullest.

There have been other "rough" moments in 2014. But the beautiful moments have far outweighed the rough ones. I'm glad we don't have the ability to go back and change things. Not because I wouldn't but because I would, and in doing that, I think I would learn far less about myself and who God is and as a result, miss out on many blessings.

Having said all that, I'll now say this. I have very specific prayer requests for 2015. Some are big. Some are small. Some are obvious and shared by many. . . I pray for the health, protection, and well being of my family and friends. Some I keep in my heart and trust to God alone. The biggest, and the one I'm going to ask that you join with me in praying is that in 2015 we do get to bring our daughter home. I'm asking you to join us in prayer that we receive a referral, and that this time it leads to a finalization of the adoption and a little girl living in our home. I'm asking that you pray that God will prepare our hearts to meet the needs of this little girl . . . to be the family she needs . . . to be the family that needs her.

About a week ago I came across this scripture,

25 “So you shall serve the Lord your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you. 26 No one shall suffer miscarriage or be barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days." 

Exodus 23:25-26(NKJV)

Like so many scriptures, I've read it before, but it felt like I was reading it for the first time. If you know me, you know I'm a pretty literal, black and white kind of person. As I read, I found myself thinking, "God this doesn't apply to me. I'm not physically pregnant. I'm just adopting." (Just . . . yes, I know) As always, He responded, not in audible words, but in words spoken to my heart. I may not be physically pregnant, but never the less, I am (we are) pregnant. Losing our little girl was a miscarriage. It was a still birth. It was the loss of a child that still lives on this earth (and please know as I say that, I am in no way demeaning or lessening those that have suffered the heart break of miscarriage or the loss of a child from this earth . . . my heart hurts for each of you). For a time, following the loss of the referral, I thought we'd never have a daughter. I felt like the dream and the promise had been stolen from us. I thought that from this point on, we'd be barren. But as always He. Is. Faithful. So I'm standing on this scripture, and I'm asking each of you to stand with us. 

Enjoy these last few days of the Christmas season. Take the time to soak it up and cherish your loved ones, and take the time to thank God for sending His son. It may sound cliche and trite to so many, but He really is the reason for the the season. 

She Will Be Different

I think it goes without saying, that most parents assume their second child will be different than their first. Most parents don't have to be convinced of that. Personalities are different . . . birth order makes a difference . . . what worked for your first may or may not work for your second. In adoption, I think it's more than an assumption. I'm pretty sure it is a fact.

I don't talk a lot about the "after" of adoption. I don't talk about bonding and behavior issues and sleep deprivation and tantrums and food struggles. I don't talk about those things, not because I don't think they exist or that we'll face them, but because I haven't lived them yet. It's the road we've yet to walk, but one we know exists. It's life after the orphanage . . . after the gotcha day magic has worn off . . . it's life in the trenches, and it's not always pretty.

Andrew was not an easy baby, and I would be lying if I said that we bonded immediately. He was whisked off to the NICU before I even had time to even get a good look at him. He was born prematurely by emergency C-section. He weighed 4 1/2 lbs the day we brought him home from the hospital. He HATED to eat, and all he wanted to do was sleep. When he finally did wake up, he cried. Between trying to chart feedings and not sleeping more than an hour at a time, I was exhausted, and we were in sheer survival mode. However, over time we bonded, and I fell madly and deeply in love with my little guy. And thankfully, Andrew turned out to be an easy toddler and continues to be easy to this day. He has his rough moments and even days, but he's pretty obedient and he has the sweetest heart.


I was thinking about all of this and about the likelihood that our next experience will be drastically different. Andrew never threw tantrums. I didn't allow them. If and when he started, I shut him down immediately. BUT Andrew has never been without. He has always been loved, hugged, fed, spoiled, and wanted. He knows he can trust us. But our daughter will not know this. She will have known neglect, true fear, lack of love, and quite possibly hunger. She will come from a place of lack.

When we received our first referral, we had to fill out an extensive questionnaire dealing with discipline and bonding and all the "after" issues that we may face. As I was thinking about this, I realized that we need to look at our daughter as if she's a newborn. When Andrew was around 4-5 weeks old, he woke up to the world, and by woke up, I mean he started crying. There were nights when he would cry for hours. There were times that I thought he would cry forever. But I didn't punish him. He was a baby. He didn't understand. He was learning about the world around him, and so I rocked and I soothed and I sang old hymns. Eventually, he stopped crying so much. Eventually, the smiles and then the giggles broke through. I realized that we're going to have to look at our daughter in some ways as a newborn. She's not going know us or trust us. She's going to be full of fear. There is going to be a huge learning curve. It takes more than a few days or even a few weeks to build trust. It takes months and even years. It takes a lifetime for some kiddos to heal.


I'm not saying that we're going to let her run amuck. We will set boundaries. We will teach her right from wrong. But things will be different with our daughter. We will take our time. We will give her time to learn to trust. We will allow her to grow and learn. Yes, things will be different. She will be different. But different can be good.

Hello December

In an effort to actually blog, I'm blogging from my phone so please excuse any and all mistakes.

I spoke to our caseworker at our adoption agency today. Everything is pretty much the same. We are still waiting. We're caught up on our paperwork, and are in one of those rare lulls where there is nothing to do. We don't have to think about updating anything until around June. Hopefully, at that point we will have another referral. We're praying that we'll have some sort of news in the early part of next year. For now, things are starting to wind down as everyone prepares for Christmas.

I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm strong (that we're strong), and that they don't think they could handle this kind of thing. I really feel like I need to clarify that any strength I have doesn't come from me. It comes straight from God. We've grieved. We've mourned. We've been sad. We've been angry. And through it all, He has shown Himself faithful. Without God I would've been a complete and total mess. I just want to be sure that the credit goes to the One who totally deserves it.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Ours was full of food and family, and we have so much to be thankful for. And now, it's December. It's hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner. The weeks leading up to Christmas are my favorite. I love the decorations, the music, and the movies, but mostly I love the why behind Christmas. . . God came to Earth not as a king but as a baby. He lived and worked and loved right along side us, and He taught us how to do the same. Enjoy this Christmas season. Cherish the little things. And remember why we celebrate.

And Then It Was November . . .

Talk about time flying by. I haven't blogged much at all lately. We've been busy, and when I have had a few minutes to just relax, blogging hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. I also have a virus(?) or something on my computer which makes it impossible to get anything done without crazy pop-ups and my screen freezing. My computer needs to make a trip to the doctor.

It's hard to believe that October has come and gone, and November is here. Be prepared to be bombarded with photos, but first, a quick adoption update. We are still waiting and praying. There are going to, once again, be changes in the Bulgarian government so we're praying that things don't get slowed down by that. Please continue to hold us up in prayer as we do our best to wait with grace and patience. Sometimes that is easier said than done.

Now without further ado . . .

October
Andrew turned seven and had multiple celebrations with friends and family. 

Partying with his friends at Peter Piper Pizza . . .

Hot dogs and cake at Mimi and Opa's . . .

Opening his presents before school . . .

 And finally, doughnuts at school with all his classmates.

October also brought the passing of my grandfather from this world into Heaven, and while it was so incredibly sad for all of us, we got to spend a lot of time with family. We're spread across the country, and it's rare that we all get to be together. The reason was sad, but the time was sweet. One of my cousins, along with her husband and three sweet kiddos, stayed with us. We loved having them. 

All dressed up and spiffy (Rose, Georgia, Lawson, and Andrew) . . . 

 Georgia loving on my sister's dog Pecos . . . 

 Rose, Andrew, and Georgia watching Peter Pan (notice the mouths gaping open).

And then there was Halloween which we don't celebrate  (haha! . . . whatever).

Captain America on the way to save the day. 

November (the first week)

The first week in November brought cooler temps, early sunsets, and the end of our 5th season of soccer. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas and 2015 are all right around the corner. I look forward to seeing what it holds for us!

Hi There!

I have so much catching up to do. I'm not really sure where to even start.


Andrew turned seven (pictures to come at some point in the hopefully near future)! Seven . . . I don't want to talk about it. It makes me both incredibly happy and incredibly sad all at once. Watching your child grow and grow up is such a privilege. But the years really do fly by. Still, I wouldn't change it for the world. Every age and every stage brings with it both challenges and joys.


Andrew is kind, caring, sensitive, sweet, bossy, assertive, and a natural leader. He talks all. the. time. He (still) loves all things superhero, dinosaurs, and video games. He has a great little sense of humor although sometimes we have to work on appropriate times to be funny. I absolutely love being his mother.


We're almost through another soccer season (again pictures to come at some point). This is Andrew's first season on the "big" field, and he's done great. Although, it's quite a bit more running. ;)


Sixteen years ago today, Patrick and I started dating. Wow! We had no idea 16 years ago all that life would hold for us. Had we known, we may have headed for the hills. Haha! But I can't imagine doing life without Patrick as my husband, my best friend, my supporter, and my partner in crime. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together.


The adoption . . . I think I've told y'all we're back in the registry which essentially means we're waiting once again. To be completely honest, this waiting is hard. Much harder than it was before we ever received a referral. We've been to Bulgaria. We know there are children that need homes. We want to bring home a little girl more than anything in the world, but we wait. And we will wait until the time is right for us. My prayer is that God will send us a little girl that needs a family. . . a little girl who really doesn't have a family to love her or desire her . . . it will happen.

Going Out In Joy

It has been a while since I really blogged. Truth be told, I haven't felt like it. We've had a rough month. First, we lost our referral for our daughter. Then, my grandfather passed away, and I just wanted to circle the wagons and hide from the outside. But life goes on and we're pushing forward.


This week has actually been pretty good. For the first time since we found out that we won't be picking up our little girl, I found myself looking forward to the prospect of receiving another referral. Having said that, yesterday, I found myself in a horribly bad mood. Sometimes, you can't pinpoint why you're grouchy, but yesterday I could tell you exactly why. The first reason was that I realized that we would be approaching our court date. I have no idea exactly when we would've had court, but most of the families who got their paperwork to the Bulgarian government at the same time as us are either approaching court or have had court and are thinking about travel plans. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy to know that we would've been in that group. One adoption friend stated it best when she said it has the feeling of salt in an open wound. Still I don't begrudge anyone their court dates. I celebrate for them. These kiddos need homes and families, and I'm so happy that they will be coming home soon. The second reason for my stellar mood, was that we really have no timeline for our next referral. And as is typical for me, I started worrying that it will be another year before we get one, and that just iced the cake of happiness.


Needless to say, I needed to snap out of it, but I didn't really want to. I kind of wanted to pout and wallow. But here's the deal. God doesn't call us to pout and wallow. He calls us to trust Him. I'm not saying that we're not allowed to be sad or disappointed, or we're supposed to deny our feelings. But when I sit there and obsess about the fact that we aren't going forward with this adoption and worry about when we receive another referral, I'm doing everything but trust God. We're not just called to trust God when it's easy. If we only trust Him during the good times we kind of miss the point of a relationship.


One thing that I've found that helps my mindset tremendously, if I actually apply it, is mediating on scripture. One of my favorite books in the Bible is Isaiah, and one of my favorite passages of scripture comes from the end of Isaiah 55. I encourage you to read the entire chapter when you have time, and actually, as much of the book of Isaiah as you can. It's an amazing book full of prophecy and redemption (which is really the story that God has been writing since the beginning of time). For now, I'll leave you with this:


¹² “For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the Lord for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Farewell for Now

This morning while the sun was rising my sweet, sweet Papa went to be with Jesus. I could write a novel about what an amazing and Godly man he was. He was tenderhearted and stubborn and kind and generous, and he loved God with all his heart. Now he's healed and whole and worshipping his Savior. So while we have heavy hearts here on this earth, we know that one day, when we pass through the gates of Heaven, he'll be right there to greet us with a huge hug, and I have no doubt, that he'll be the first to usher us to the throne God. We love you Papa!

Quick Thank You

I just wanted to drop in and say thank you for every thought and prayer. This has not been an easy time for any of us, but we know that God will see us through.

Moving Forward

Today we learned we lost our daughter. For now, she is still in the orphanage where we visited her. Eventually, she will go to live with her biological parents. This is relatively rare in international adoption, but rare doesn't mean much when you're the one to which it is happening. 

Our hearts are broken. How could something that seemed so right and so meant to be fall apart so easily? What was the purpose in this? The pain is pretty overwhelming.

Yet, we know that God has a plan. He always has a plan, and His plan hasn't been thwarted. 

We will grieve. We will heal. We will forever have a daughter that never came to live in our home, but will always live in our hearts. 

We will move forward. Our adoption journey is not over. We will fight the fear and move forward and pray that we find the little girl meant to live with us here in our home in America. We will move forward, but we will never completely move on. That little girl with huge brown eyes and the longest eyelashes I've ever seen will always hold a part of our hearts. 

Please pray for all of us as we navigate these very confusing and painful waters. Say a special prayer for Andrew as he tries to comprehend what is happening. It's hard as an adult. I cannot imagine the confusion from the standpoint of a child. Please pray that God brings us a daughter that will live and grow as part of our family. We haven't given up the dream of growing our family through adoption.

We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support these past few days. We thank each and everyone of you for holding us up in prayer. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Psalm 27:13 (NKJV) I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Romans 8:28 (NKJV)  And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Those Who Are For Us Are More Than Those Against Us

We are absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of support we have received and in particular, for all the prayer warriors willing to go to battle for us and our daughter. It is currently a little after 2:00 a.m. on Monday morning in Bulgaria. Please continue to pray as we go into a new week. Pray for us to have favor in every situation and for the hearts of men to be turned by the hand of God. We know that there is a mighty army fighting for us. Again thank you! 

And when the servant of the man of God arose early and went out, there was an army, surrounding the city with horses and chariots. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” And Elisha prayed, and said, “ LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. (‭II Kings‬ ‭6‬:‭15-17‬ NKJV)

Once Again Asking for Prayer

For those who are not on Facebook:

Yesterday, we found out that our adoption is very much in jeopardy. It is nothing we did or didn't do, and we are heartbroken. Yesterday, was one of the hardest days of my life. We need nothing short of a miracle to turn things around. I can't give a lot of details at this point. Please pray for us to have wisdom and strength, for the truth to come out, for favor with all the right people, for hearts to change,  for justice to be done, and for supernatural protection over our daughter.

Major Prayer Needed

I'm not at liberty to say much at this point, but we need major prayers now! Please storm the gates of hell with us, and pray that satan will be utterly and completely defeated in our situation!

Today

I thought about blogging yesterday. I almost always write something on 9/11. But this year I decided not to write anything on the actual day. It's a day that comes with so many memories and emotions. In spite of all that is going on in our world and in our country right now, we still live in America, the greatest country on earth. I just hope we realize and value what we have and don't take it for granted. I'm not sure that we as a nation, and in particular our political leaders, always do that, and that makes me sad.


Moving on to today, and away from any major political arguments (because I don't have the energy) . . .


First, I want to thank everyone who has offered words of encouragement and prayers for us. They mean the world to us, and I'm going to be honest and tell you that we need them. They help more than you know. For those of you who put up with and helped me through my little pity party the other day, thank you. While I'd love to say it will never happen again, I'm not going to make any promises.


It has been one month exactly since we first met our sweet girl. When we came home from Bulgaria our caseworker told me that this wait was going to be extremely hard . . . quite possibly one of the hardest things we've ever done. A couple days out from Bulgaria, jetlagged as all get out, I naively thought, "I know it will be hard, but I've been through hard before. Try being rushed to the hospital at 35 weeks because you're bleeding to death. Then having an emergency C-section and having your baby rushed off to the NICU because he's in distress. Try bringing that same 4.5 pound baby home and coaxing him to eat an ounce every 2.5 hours when all he wants to do is sleep. Try keeping that up for 3+ weeks. I've done hard. I can handle this."


And I laugh at that person of just over three weeks ago. She was clearly not in her right mind. Because y'all this is hard, and the truth is I can't handle it . . . at least not on my own. But God can handle it, and so I'm completely and totally leaning on Him. And you know what, He gets me through. Sometimes it's through scriptures that seem to show up at various points throughout my day reminding of who it is I serve. Other times it's through a song that comes on the radio. And often times it's through y'all, the people in our lives who encourage us, support us, and pray for us. It's not easy. It's not fun. But in the midst of missing my daughter so intensely and so terribly, I find myself living and cherishing my life. It's hard not to wish the days away, but then I realize that in just over three weeks Andrew will be seven, and I want to hold on to six just a little longer.


In the past week I've seen scripture after scripture pop up in front of me about placing my hope and trust in God. This is not a battle I can fight alone. This is not a battle I'm capable of fighting at all. It's not my battle. I'm just along for the ride. It's His battle. So when I wake up at four in the morning and am hit with a pang of longing so strong that it takes my breath away. Or when I'm overcome by fears that I can't even put a name to but they're so strong they are close to debilitating, I have to turn to Him and give the battle back. It's not always pretty. It's never easy, but I do it over and over again. I honestly, don't know how any parent could ever do this without God. I'm 100% certain that without Him I would fall completely apart.


"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him."
Psalm 28:7

This Is Me Being Real

I want to start this post out with a major disclaimer. This is me being real, and this is how I feel right now in this moment on this Wednesday evening. This is not in any way directed at any one person. So if you find that you are offended or think I'm angry with you, I'm not. I will always welcome questions and comments and prayers. But I also want to be completely honest about what it's like going through this process with its rollercoaster of highs and lows, mountaintop and valley experiences. And today this is what it is like. 

Just a couple days ago I posted about surrendering everything to God. I wrote about how important it is to trust Him, and surrender every fear and every worry to Him. And nothing has changed in the last couple of days. I still firmly believe all of that.

But today . . .

Today, I'm struggling. Maybe it's because I have no paperwork to do. Maybe it's because it's been a month since we were in Bulgaria. Maybe it's because I miss my daughter like crazy. I don't know, but today, I'm struggling. I'm struggling with surrendering it all. 

The truth is I set Christmas up as this magical date. As if going to pick her up in January will be less special, less important, less meaningful. I want my daughter home for Christmas. I'm not going to pretend that I don't. But in order for that to happen a lot of things have to happen very quickly. Is it possible for us to travel to pick up our daughter before Christmas? Yes. We've had two couples from our agency recently go just over three months between trips so it is possible, but there is no guarantee. And that frustrates me. The not knowing. The waiting. The wondering. I hate it. I find it frustrating at best and maddening at worst. 

And then there are the questions. And the words of advice. And the comments. 

Just a few . . . 

"Why don't you have a date for trip 2?" Well, because we're dealing with a government, and governments always work at their own pace. Our government, their government . . . I can't make them work faster. Right now we're waiting for  a court date, and the only thing we can do (which is actually the biggest and best thing) is pray. And I pray . . . a lot. This whole crazy process has given me an entirely new perspective on "praying without ceasing".

"Gosh, this is going to be hard. How could you actually leave her in an orphanage?" Take however much you think you would miss your child if you had to leave them in an orphanage in another country and then multiply it by one million. Yep, it that's hard. And no, we weren't like "woohoo, we're leaving our kid in an orphanage for anywhere from 3-6 months!" But it's part of the process, and unless we wanted to completely ruin our adoption we had to leave her. I don't need to be reminded how difficult this is. I live it and breathe it every second of everyday.

And then there's my favorite, "You just need to be patient and wait on God." My child is in an orphanage in Bulgaria. And I know this, but I'm also human and a mother with a God given desire to care for and protect my children. So yes, I know I need to be patient and wait on God, but I'm going to have my moments. And I need to feel like if and when I have a moment, that I can just have it without anyone trying to make it better.

I'm going to stop now. Because the truth is (most) people are well meaning. And I don't want to lose every friend I've ever had because I'm in such a great mood tonight (insert sarcasm here). I'm just grouchy, and I'm really sorry I'm grouchy. I promise to be in a better mood next time we talk.  

I Surrender All

I've had so many things I've wanted to write lately, and yet, I don't. I've posted pictures on instagram of clothes and bedding and projects I'm working on to get our daughter's room ready, but the truth is those things are all time passers. The purpose in doing them is to fill the time so that I don't dwell on how much I miss our little girl. Because I miss her an insane amount. I'm ready for her to be here and not thousands of miles away, on the other side of the Atlantic.

Fear has been something with which I've struggled, and as we wait I have moments where I wrestle with very intense fears. At 4:00 a.m. on Friday morning I got up to use the restroom, and when I laid back down, I couldn't quiet my mind and fall back asleep. Laying there, not fully awake but not asleep, those fears began to flood my mind. All the what ifs and uncertainities of waiting seemed huge and overwhelming. It's always amazing to me how huge fears seem in the darkest hours of the night. And so I began to pray. I don't know that they were the most coherent prayers, but they were prayers nonetheless. And I have no doubt that God heard them. As I was praying the words from "I Surrender All" began to stream through my mind with such clarity:

All to Jesus I surrender;

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live. 

Refrain:I surrender all,

I surrender all;

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Humbly at His feet I bow,

Worldly pleasures all forsaken;

Take me, Jesus, take me now. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;

Let me feel the Holy Spirit,

Truly know that Thou art mine. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Lord, I give myself to Thee;

Fill me with Thy love and power;

Let Thy blessing fall on me. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Now I feel the sacred flame.

Oh, the joy of full salvation!

Glory, glory, to His Name!*

And I was reminded I have absolutely no control at this point. We've done our part. We've filled out the paperwork. We've been through all the testing and training, and now, it's time to wait. Of all the things that are glaringly obvious in this process, God's hand has been the most obvious. I see Him working in this in ways, I never imagined, and I know that He has good things for us. I also know that He's bigger than any of the challenges we have faced or will face, and so I let go of the control I never had and surrendered it all to Him.

Will I still pray for favor and a speedy process? Yes. Will I still pray for my daughter's health and safety? Most definitely. But I will pray from a place of surrender knowing that my God is a God who loves us . . .  all of us . . . and has good things for us instead of praying out of desperate fear. As I'm typing this so many scriptures pertaining to God's blessings are running through my head. But I want to leave you with one of my favorites knowing that He is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

* Hymn - I Surrender All written by Judson W. Van DeVenter 1896

First Grade

Yesterday was Andrew's first day of first grade! First grade, y'all! He is growing up too fast. But he had an awesome first day, and I know he's going to have a fabulous year. 

This last picture is an added bonus and a peak into my child's goofy personality. I told him to get dressed for soccer, and he came out wearing this. He is absolutely the greatest, craziest kid ever. 

Home

We're home.

The suitcases are unpacked.

The clothes are washed.

Life is returning to business as usual.

The trip that we've anticipated for so long has come and gone.

And we'll never be the same.

I printed almost 200 pictures of our daughter on Monday. Ridiculous. But each one holds a moment. A memory. A laugh. A smile.

Our week with our daughter went very well. There were a few bumps in the road, but they didn't slow us down much. I'm trying hard not to over analyze every moment, or to read too much into any one thing.  Did we see some orphanage type behaviors? Yes, we saw a few. Especially upon meeting us. But we also saw a very well cared for, happy, chubby, and love able little girl. We saw a little girl that has established some pretty close bonds with a couple of her caregivers., and I know it's going to be confusing to her when the time comes to leave.

Upon first meeting us she didn't cry, but she did seem cautious, a bit nervous, and shy. Having said that, she warmed up pretty quickly.  I felt like her behavior was extremely normal given her age and situation.  I was more than relieved to see how physically healthy she is, and I was thrilled to see that she has formed some attachments.

Now we wait. We are at the Bulgarian MOJ which means that at this point it is out of our hands. We are now waiting for our file to reviewed and signed, and then we'll be given a court date. It sounds simple, but the process takes time. It is unusual for a family to be at this stage immediately following trip 1, but we got a jump start on our paperwork before we left. Hopefully, that will save us at least a few weeks.

So in the meantime we pray. We pray for peace, patience, protection for our girl, a speedy process in Bulgaria, and good bonding and attachment when we return home. Thank you for all your prayers throughout trip 1. We felt them, and we know God's hand is in this every step of the way!

On Meeting My Daughter For the First Time

Today we met our daughter for the first time. They told us she would cry because she always cries when she meets strangers. However she didn't cry. She was hesitant and cautious when they first brought her in, but she warmed up to both us and loved Patrick. I can tell that she will be a daddy's girl. 

She's beautiful, and she has the best laugh in the world. She loves hugs and kisses and tickles. She loves to put her forehead up against yours and then look straight into your eyes.  She loves to play and dance and be held. She doesn't love the stroller. Haha!

Her orphanage blew us away. It is clean and bright and cheerful. Most importantly, the caregivers seem to genuinely care about the children. You can tell by their interactions that these kids mean the world to them, and they want the best for each one. 

I can definitely say that today has been a storm of emotions. It has been such a long journey. I am happy to have her in my arms, sad because I wish we could take her home with us, and overwhelmed by it all. But through all of this God had been good . . . actually I think the word amazing would be more appropriate. Thank you for ALL your prayers. Please continue to pray as we go through this week and have to leave her to return home. Please pray for her safety and our peace.  And just one more time, thank you!!!

Thank You A Thousand Times Over

I'm sitting here waiting to check in for our flights.


Our bags are (mostly) packed.


The dogs have been dropped off for their "vacation".


Andrew is ready to spend a week with his grandparents and Aunt Sarah and Uncle Hector.


I even took Andrew to the dentist this morning. It wasn't his first visit, but this was the visit where he chose to give what I consider an Oscar worthy performance. It really deserves a blog post completely of its own. And heaven only knows why I decided he needed to go to the dentist the day before we leave for Bulgaria. But I made the appointment. We survived the appointment. And McDonalds may or may not have followed the appointment.


My OCD and ADD tendencies are both showing themselves strong right now which means that I want everything in the house in order, put away, and clean before we leave, but I keep starting one thing, leaving it, and then starting something else. So I have laundry going and no sheets on the beds and dishes sitting in the sink and the vacuum in the middle of the living room. It's how I roll.


But with everything that is going on, I wanted to stop and say, "Thank you!" How inadequate those two words seem. You see in the past few days I've received numerous emails, texts, phone calls, Facebook messages and posts, and so on telling me that we are in people's prayers and that you're thinking of us, and I think some of you are almost as excited as we are. I've had more than one person grab me and say a prayer for us. And all I can say is, "Thank you from the very bottom of our hearts." You really have no idea how huge of a blessing y'all are. I don't if you'll ever know how much we covet and appreciate your prayers and support. One day this little girl is going to know how much she was loved even before we ever met her.


So one last time . . .

Thank You! Y'all Absolutely Rock!

Emotions . . . I Got 'Em

One week from today Patrick and I will be on a plane, somewhere above the Atlantic, bound for Bulgaria to meet our baby girl.

In the past week I've been asked numerous times how I feel . . .

"Are you . . .  Excited? Anxious? Nervous? Terrified? Overjoyed? Thrilled? Overwhelmed?"

My answer is, "Yes". To every single one of those questions you will get a resounding, "Yes". It's hard to put my finger on my emotions right now. At any given moment, I'm likely to be feeling a combination of all of the above.

Meeting our daughter for the first time is both thrilling and terrifying. There is no way to accurately express my feelings about the upcoming trip. I can't wait to lay eyes on her. To see that she is well and cared for. To hold her and play with her. But I'm already dreading leaving. I'm finding out that I'm not a huge fan of having two kids on two different continents. They both belong in my house where I can see them and touch them and kiss them while they sleep.

And then there's the fact that we're leaving Andrew here. Ummm . . . I may be a bit of a helicopter parent. I'm working on it. Maybe I'll start a support group . . . but the longest that Andrew has been away from both Patrick and me at the same time is right at 24 hours. So this is new territory for all of us. If you know Andrew, you know he's a homebody, or as Patrick says "He's a hobbit like his mother." only, he means hermit not hobbit . . . I may be short, but I'm not a hobbit. Sorry . . . major bunny trail. Anyway, I know we're leaving him in good hands, and he'll get to consume massive quantities of junk and play too many video games and watch way too much t.v. He'll be happy as a clam, but I'm going to miss him like crazy.

I've probably read and prayed Psalm 91 more in the last few weeks than ever before, and I somehow don't think I'm going to let up anytime soon. It definitely helps me keep my crazy emotions under some semblance of control. And if your so inclined, would you say a prayer for us? For peace . . . for health . . . and for a fantastic and safe Trip 1.

Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

Cherishing Each Moment and A Huge Thank You!

Every morning for the last two weeks and three days I've woken up incredibly early, and my thoughts immediately turn to a little girl halfway around the world. I've gotten good at calculating the time difference. Numerous times a day I wonder what she's doing. Is she napping? Playing? Getting ready for bed? And I pray. I pray for her health, her safety, her peace. I pray for the time to pass quickly until she's here.

But at the same time, as I'm praying and longing to have both of my children under one roof, I don't want to wish the days away. I don't want to spend the next six months with my head in the clouds while Andrew grows up even more. As hard as it is, I'm trying to cherish these last few months as a family of three before we have another infant/toddler in the house. Because as gloriously wonderful as it's going to be, it's been a while since I've chased a little one around. And as much as I can't wait, I also know that I'd better sleep now, because while I hope this little one likes her sleep, I've had one toddler that didn't (still doesn't) like to sleep. So I'm doing everything I can to enjoy the journey because as the saying goes, "The days are long, but the years are short."

I also want to take a moment to thank all of you. The outpouring of love, prayers, and support have been amazing and unbelievable. I've had a number of people ask if we need anything, and I can't tell you how much your prayers are coveted and appreciated. From the bottom of our hearts we thank you and can't wait for the day we can introduce our little girl to you.

Philippians 1:3 NKJV
"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"

The Post in a Which I Explain Our Daughter's Name Change

Or lack thereof . . .

We always planned on changing our daughter's name to Allison. I even wrote a post about it at some point. But when we got the referral a couple weeks ago and saw our daughter's name, we both knew we wouldn't be changing it.

It's a beautiful name, and it fits her. And as a side note, it also starts with an "A".

But . . .

I'm not revealing name on the internet until I can reveal her picture too.

So you'll just have to wait in suspense. I know you'll all be holding your breath . . .

What Now?

Aside from the fact that I have what I'm calling adoption induced ADHD which by the way is almost identical to pregnancy induced ADHD, I'm trying to get it together so we can keep this ball rolling.


1. As I said in the previous post, we are leaving for Bulgaria on August 9th. I have to get everything in order for Andrew before that trip. He'll be staying with grandparents and my sister, and this is the longest we've ever left him by a long shot so yeah . . .  At 5:30 this morning I woke up in a panic because summer is almost over, and I haven't scheduled Andrew for a dental appointment yet. I also haven't even looked at his uniforms for next year, and I need to get his passport photo taken for trip 2 since we plan on him going with us. ADHD folks!


2. We are submitting our I800 to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) today. It's the first step in legally bringing our daughter home to become a U.S. Citizen. Please pray that the forms get accepted without any requests for further evidence. Once it is accepted we are issued something called Article 5 which gives the MOJ in Bulgaria the signal to move forward. Huge over simplification here, but you get the gist. We can't go anywhere (i.e. get a court date) until the I800 is accepted.


3. We are meeting with our social worker on Saturday morning to finish up this home study which may or may not ever be used. It's a just in case we need it sort of thing. We're praying we don't need it.


4. Next Wednesday, we're getting fingerprinted for the FBI again. I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It. My last two sets have been thrown out due to "poor quality". Yes, I've gone to qualified fingerprint techs. Yes, they passed on the computer. No, the FBI did not accept them. My home study agency had me go a different route for the home study, but we have no choice but to do these for court. Once again, prayers are appreciated.


5. We also have to get local criminal clearances once we get back from trip 1.


6. We have doctor's appointments again when we return. This time with a different doctor who doesn't think it's completely unreasonable to be asked to notarize something.


7. Our court date will be given once the MOJ in Bulgaria signs off on our Article 5. We don't appear for court. But we do need to be sure that they have all the necessary documents (FBI clearances, local criminal clearance, and doctor's letters) for court.


8. Once we pass court, our daughter is legally ours, and we wait for a few other things to be issued (court decree) before we can travel to pick her up.


I'm not sure how much sense all of this makes. But I think it's clear that there is still a lot to be done in order for us to pass court and get to trip two. It's easy for me to get all worked up about it and worry myself sick. Last night at church we had the privilege of having Doyle Dykes, one of the greatest guitar players in the world, come and play for us (seriously, if you haven't heard him play look him up). One of the first songs he played was "Great is Thy Faithfulness". It's been years since that song has crossed my mind, but as I sat there listening with words were flowing through my head one line from the chorus resonated with me, "All I have needed thy hand hath provided - Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me!"


God has brought us so far. You can see it as a series of miracles or one big miracle that is still unfolding, but He has been faithful. And I have to believe that He will continue to be faithful throughout the rest of this journey.


"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" Ephesians 3:20 NKJV

Big, Big News!!!

I apologize for the length of this. I'm writing it all down because as life gets busy and things move forward those little details you thought you'd never forget sometimes slip your mind.


On Thursday, July 3rd, I got up early and set out to clean. By clean, I don't just mean my normal weekly routine, I mean crazy OCD type cleaning. So the first thing I did was take all the screens off the back porch windows so I could scrub them and make them shine.


While I was out back scrubbing away Andrew came running outside with my phone hollering that it was ringing. When I looked at the caller i.d. about five things flew through my brain in less than half a ring. It was our caseworker at the adoption agency. I had just spoken to her the week before and emailed back and forth a couple times. It wasn't time for quarterly calls. This must be important! Answer the phone!


I answered and she asked if I had a few minutes to talk. Ummm . . . always, and you should know at this point my heart started pounding in my ears. Then she told me that she was looking at a picture of a beautiful little girl that had been referred to us, and y'all, I can't for the life of me remember much of the rest of our conversation. My heart was racing, and I was somewhere between crying and squealing like a teenage girl. And oh my goodness! It was so much like the afternoon that I took a pregnancy test and realized that Andrew was on his way. My ability to focus on anything for the rest of the day went right out the window. Let's just say it took every ounce of focus I had to finish those windows, and then I was done!


But here's the thing about a referral . . . you can't accept it right away. We could've if we would've been allowed to, but you have to wait on medical information and reviews and videos. Then you have a phone consultation with an international adoption (I.A.) pediatrician. Then you make your decision. I've never wished a holiday weekend would pass as much as I wished that one would. My stomach was in knots all weekend. I counted the hours until Monday when we could set up the appointment with the I.A. pediatrician, and I don't think I stopped praying for more than a few minutes.


On Monday, after talking with the doctor's assistant, they scheduled our phone consultation for Tues. at noon. The thing was we weren't expecting much. We had a medical report and one picture, but no updated videos or pics. Our caseworker told us not to expect the videos until Wednesday so we were expecting this to only be the beginning consultation. I don't know how I got any sleep Monday night, but thank the Lord I managed to sleep some. Tuesday morning at 10:45, just a little over an hour before our appointment, my caseworker called. She had just gotten videos and pictures, and she was sending them right then. I immediately sent them to the doctor and her staff and Patrick, who just so happened to be out of town at youth camp. I've never been so thankful for modern technology. We were able to get videos in a matter of days rather than weeks. Patrick was able to conference in on the call from the church van at camp. The I.A. pediatrician is in Cincinnati. This great big world suddenly seemed so small.


The phone call went wonderfully, and immediately upon ending the call, I called Patrick back. For us there wasn't even a question. She was ours. Ten minutes later, I called our caseworker, and we accepted the referral. We then set everything in motion to get travel dates and paperwork done. We were told to expect travel dates sometime at the end of the week or early the next week (tomorrow or Tuesday). On Wednesday morning, the 9th of August, my phone rang, and Soojin, our caseworker, asked if we were able to be in Bulgaria from August 10-15 for our "meetcha" trip. It took me about two seconds to say, "YES!"


So this time next month we'll be with our daughter. I wish I could show y'all pictures and give y'all details galore, but out of respect for her birth country, I can't do that right now. Here's what I can tell you. She's beautiful. She's young . . . very young for an international referral in Bulgaria. And if you see me on the street I do have pictures in my purse. I will whip them out and make you look at all of them.


I'm also going to ask for prayer like never before. So many of you have stood with us and prayed for us throughout this journey. The next five to six months we're going to need prayer more than ever.  So if you have a few minutes, and could say a prayer for one of the following things it would mean the world to us.


- This is only our first trip. We have to leave our daughter in Bulgaria and come home for 3-5 months while we wait for court and paperwork to be done. Pray for us. Pray for her. I'm already sick at the thought of leaving her.
- Pray for safe and smooth travels.
- Pray that paperwork and court and all the red tape pass in record time. We're praying that we can have her home by Christmas. That's a stretch, but we're believing for that.
- Pray for our daughter's health. There are a few small concerns which of course, seeing as how I'm thousands of miles away, are suddenly amplified in my head. She's in good hands in her orphanage, and God is watching over her. We know this. But I'm struggling with not worrying myself sick about her. So I guess pray for my worrying, but ultimately pray for her continued good  health (again I'm not free to give specifics but God knows).
- Pray for Andrew. Oh y'all his reaction deserves a post in and of itself. Thrilled doesn't even touch it.


And thank you! From the bottom of our hearts thank you! Thank you for your prayers! Thank you for walking this road with us! The best is still ahead!

Life

Good morning y'all!

It's 9:30 a.m., and Andrew is still snoozing away. This doesn't happen often, but Patrick is away at youth camp. Andrew couldn't fall asleep last night (literally he laid in bed for over 2 hours), and so around 11:00 p.m. I let him get in bed with me.

He's wide awake here and smiling because I let him sleep in my bed. Little stinker.

Did everyone have a great 4th? Ours was laid back and spread out over two days which was nice because I didn't feel rushed. Patrick took a ton of pictures on his camera. Too bad they're ALL awful. The man needs to take a people photography class. Still life I think he has down (are houses still life?). But people . . . let's just say the pictures will never see the light of day.

On Saturday night we met up with some friends to watch fireworks. I got a few cute pictures with my iPhone of Andrew and our friends' two year old playing and dancing. Andrew loves to entertain and play with little ones. I know that there will be moments of rivalry and tension, but I also know he's going to make an awesome big brother one day.

Summer is almost halfway through. We're on the downhill side of 2014. Andrew will be seven in October. Time really does fly, and more and more, I realize the importance of soaking up each moment before it passes.

Enjoy your week everyone.

Trust Without Borders

There are so many songs that I feel like define this whole adoption process, but this song speaks to me like none other. God is taking us where our "trust is without borders", and y'all it's a beautiful thing. 

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Click on title to hear the song

Verse #1
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

Chorus:
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Verse #2
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

Chorus:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Bridge:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior x 3

Ending:
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine

Songwriters
JOEL HOUSTON, MATT CROCKER, SALOMON LIGHTHELM

Published by
Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing

Read more: Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

A Day in the Life of An Adoptive Parent: Home Study Updates and Medicals

Every year as part of our home study update we have to have medical exams and a letter from our doctor stating that we are in good physical and mental health. Out of all the things we've struggled with during this process, this has not been one of them. I've seen the same GP since I was ten. My husband has seen him for most of our marriage. He was kind, caring, supportive, and he knew us. Then in December he sold his practice and moved to New Mexico.


I. Freaked. Out.


But after calling the new doctor and being assured that our care would continue as usual, I figured no big deal. We'd all adjust and move forward.


So a few weeks ago we went in for our physicals. I had quite a time getting the appointments scheduled, but decided the receptionist just didn't understand what we were needing them for. I was sure the doctor would be helpful. No need to "throw the baby out with the bath water" so to speak. The doctor seemed nice, but he didn't spend much time talking to us. But I thought maybe he was just in a hurry on this particular day. We went and had our labs done the very next day, and then we waited. And we waited. And we waited. And waited . . . I got a hold of the nurse last week, and she said it would be a few more days so I figured we'd hear something on Monday of this week  . . . or not.


Finally, on Tuesday I called again. The receptionist said, "I'll send him a message and get back to you." No one called me back Tuesday. No one called Wednesday. So by yesterday I was over it, and Patrick called. Side Note 1: Our first medical letter was sent to Bulgaria and had to be notarized. Our old doctor always notarized our updates, and the sample letter had a spot for notarization so I just went with it. But then yesterday, this doctor got very ugly about the whole notarization thing. And I don't mean a little annoyed. I mean he was flat out refusing to do it. Nevermind, that I had sent the sample letter in well in advance of our appointment, and made it very clear that all of our letters had been notarized up to this point. It was as if this was the first he was hearing about it, and he wasn't doing it.


I decided to call our case worker at the home study agency and see if it was absolutely necessary to have the letters notarized for our update. Side Note 2: I've been trying to get ahold of our caseworker (this is not our social worker . . . that's a completely different circus) at the home study agency for about a week. We've had about five different caseworkers thus far, and I even made the comment to Patrick that she probably quit or got fired. Guess what? When I called I was told that our files were being transferred because she was no longer with them. Awesome! So I left a message with whomever it was I spoke to and was assured I'd have an answer by the end of the day, but first, they were trying to locate all of our paperwork. That's reassuring.


At this point, I was two steps from completely losing it. So I called our adoption agency. I love our caseworker there, and our adoption agency is ultimately the final authority on all of our paperwork before it is sent across the Atlantic. I somewhat hysterically told our caseworker what was going on, and within 15 minutes she had calmed me down. She reminded me that we would get through this momentary crisis, and that God had always helped us. She's good at that, calming me down, and getting me to see the big picture.

About 4:30 I finally got a call from our new case worker (I think this is number six), and she said it would be fine to skip the notarization. Hallelujah! So I called the doctor's office and spoke to the same receptionist who's been so kind (insert sarcasm font here). When I told why I was calling she said, "Mmmm . . . hmmm . . . ". Nice . . . very professional lady. I told her that the letters did not have to be notarized after all, and that I would be picking them up in the morning (today) along with our medical records. She assured me they'd be ready.


This morning I got to the doctor's office, and surprise, the letters weren't ready. The girl wasn't even there. There were no patients. And the lady that was working had no clue that I was coming in. So I parked myself in a chair and told them I'd wait. While I was waiting (the letters hadn't even been typed) an older lady came in to speak to the receptionist because they had failed to transfer her files from another office and to call her back to reschedule her appointment. She and the receptionist proceeded to get into quite an argument where the elderly lady ended up saying, "I'm having problems with your office. No one else. Just your office." At the same time, the nurse was on the phone arguing rather loudly with another patient. This was all taking place right in front of me. No discreetness (is that even a word?). No real attempts to keep things quiet.


And I realized this isn't the exception. This is the rule. This is apparently how this doctor runs his practice.


Mass chaos, and the patient is NEVER right.


Then, in the midst of all the arguing and the waiting, Andrew decides that he may throw up, and we have to race past the arguing women (thus interrupting their argument) into the restroom. Thank goodness, it was a false alarm. And within a few minutes he was back to business as usual. (If you have kids, you'll completely understand how this kind of thing can happen. If you don't . . . well God bless you.)


Needless to say, I finally got our letters and our records, and we will be finding ourselves a new doctor.


And this is just one day in the life of our adoption. We've had other days like this. We've had other days worse than this as has every other adoptive parent I've ever spoken to. Murphy's Law was written for adoption. When you're depending on other people to help bring your child home, things don't always go as smoothly as you'd like, and sometimes they're downright disastrous. Still God has seen us through thus far, and He'll continue to see us through as long this whole process takes.