A Back To School Story

Just in case anyone is planning on nominating me for Mom of the year ...

Tonight Anna had Meet the Teacher for the new school year. Only in Anna's case it was meet the teachers. She has two main teachers, a pre-k teacher, a paraprofessional, a PE teacher, and three therapists. It's all kinds of insane, and her teacher from last year retired leaving me high and dry. This is probably the point where I should confess that I tend to form unhealthy attachments to my children's teachers, especially during the preschool years. And when they retire, which they seem to have the audacity to do, no matter how wonderful the new teachers, it stresses me the heck out. Have I also mentioned that if you google "helicopter Mom" a picture of me pops up ... I'm joking ... I think ... But seriously I'm just going to own it.

So here I am stressed about meeting Anna's teachers, and because I don't think like a normal person, I  decide that I need to cook and feed the kids an early, healthy dinner before we go to the school. I don't know why I didn't slap some lunch meat on some bread, and be done with it. I didn't. I'm me. So I cook dinner and get everyone settled to eat. Anna asks for a banana. I give her one. At this point, the kitchen is a mess. We have to leave in about 20 min. Both of my kids are still in underwear. Who am I kidding? They are always in underwear. And I'm standing at the island shoveling food in my mouth trying to get done so we can hopefully get out the door on time. It's at this moment that Anna decides to throw part of her banana to Daisy. Now Daisy isn't supposed to have bananas but whatever. I was going to let it slide, but Andrew decided to take matters into his hands. He starts yelling at Anna and subsequently, Daisy, about the banana. Anna, who isn't about to take it from him, decides to respond by knocking her milk on the floor. Those are my kids latest tricks. Andrew's bossiness is out of control, and Anna just throws milk.

And this is when I lost my ever loving mind. I don't even remember what I said. I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but I do remember taking away tv for the rest of their lives. I believe I said "As long as you live here. Forever and ever, you're losing tv." Because I'm super chill like that and not dramatic at all. And let's be real, there's not a chance I'm actually taking away the tv for more than a day much less forever. I like myself more than that. Then I told Andrew to go to his room, and when he got up to go, I told him to sit back down and eat his supper. Anyhow, Patrick walked into the kitchen about this time to find two kids alternately wailing and whining, and psycho Mom ranting about milk, and tv, and telling the 9 year old to stop being so bossy and mind his own business (I don't know where he gets it from). And I only have two kids y'all!

Somehow, we managed to get cleaned up and get out the door. I apologized for yelling and just generally being crazy. And we went and met Anna's teachers. Who are lovely, by the way. Then we got ice cream because I couldn't even deal anymore.

And all the moms say "Hallelujah! Back to school is upon us." Or maybe that's just me...

Boundaries

If you haven't read my last post, on forgiveness, take a few moments to read it here.

Forgiveness is an absolute must in our lives, but sometimes, so are boundaries. I am not a mental health professional. I'm just a person who has learned a little from life experiences both in making mistakes and likely hurting others and in things others have done to hurt me. In both situations, I have to choose how I will react. I can apologize and/or forgive, respectively, or I can be stubborn, harbor bittnerness, and let my heart get hard.

Having said all of that, you can forgive and still set boundaries. Yesterday, my pastor from college, Todd Nelson (Christian Faith Center, San Angelo), shared this article by Dr. Henry Cloud entitled, How Boundaries Keep Jerks Out of Your Life. Hey I didn't write the title! But I encourage you to read the article. I shared the article on Facebook with this comment from me: "In keeping with my post about forgiveness, this is a great article by Dr. Cloud on boundaries. You can walk in love and forgiveness without letting people walk all over you, manipulate you, and push you around. If they don't like the healthy boundaries set then so be it."

And Pastor Todd commented on my post, "Yes, so healthy and helpful when people realize forgiveness AND healthy boundaries can co-exist. Forgiveness is freely given because we have been forgiven, but trust is earned by honoring boundaries over time."

He is absolutely correct and spot on. Forgiveness is something that happens inside of us. It's a heart change. A choice not to hold a grudge. Not to let bitterness, anger, and hatred set up camp. But it doesn't mean that you become a proverbial punching bag for others.

Throughout my 36 years on this earth, I've had the "pleasure" of dealing with more than a few people who only want a relationship with you if you bend to their will. They often try to manipulate others to do what they want. Sometimes that includes lying, brute force, tantrums, and pouting. If and when you get the the courage to express your own feelings and opinions, if they don't line up with theirs, you will be punished. (Side note: I also, have to check my own behaviors and motives for signs of manipulation, and it's something I work actively against.)

When you stand up to someone that is trying to control and manipulate you, you are automatically taking a step towards setting boundaries. Sometimes we concede to others. Sometimes others concede to us. But there needs to be balance. So how do we know if we're being manipulated? If your feelings or opinions never matter. If everytime you express an opposing opinion, the other person gets angry, and you're afraid that anything that opposes what they want is going to set off a huge drama, you're likely being manipulated.

One of the greatest manipulators of all time can be found in the Old Testament. Even if you're not overly familiar with the Bible, you've likely heard of Jezebel. Time and space do not permit me to go into all the details here, but she was extremely manipulative and domineering. She incited her husband, the king, and ultimately the Children of Israel to worship Baal. She killed the phrophets of God among other horribly wicked things, and the prophet, Elijah,  was tasked with dealing with her. If you take the time to read 1st & 2nd Kings you will find an account of her life as queen (and subsequent demise).

The question is, "How do we walk with forgiveness in our hearts yet still deal with these people?". Well first, you have to make the decision to forgive, and determine that no matter what hate will not be allowed to take root. Oftentimes, distance and space are necessary in order to keep yourself emotionally (and sometimes physically) safe. The amount of distance will depend on the situation, but if someone is physically (and often emotionally) abusive, you need to get away, cut contact, and get help. I cannot emphasize that enough. In other, less dire, situations, you need to know that your feelings and opinions matter. For a long time, I wouldn't express my opinions if I thought they would anger others, and to some extent I still struggle with this fear. We are called to be peacemakers, and we should not pick a fight just for the sake of fighting (not that I've ever done this ...). But just as that other person has a right to certain feelings and beliefs, so do you. And you deserve to be treated with respect. The caveat is, you're going to have to be okay with the other person being angry and shutting you out. If you do or say something wrong, absolutely own it and apologize, but don't go after the other person doing everything you can to make them happy even at the cost of your own peace and sanity. You'll only feed the problem.

So there you have it. My, non-expert, thoughts on boundaries. And again, if you're in a close relationship with this kind of dynamic (i.e. a marriage) and are struggling with how to deal, I encourage you to seek out the help of a Christian mental health professional.

Stay tuned for more discussion on character traits, including my personal favorite (and biggest struggle), perfectionism.

On Forgiveness and Attitudes

Hi my name is Courtney, and I'm insanely introverted. I'm not shy. If you get to know me well enough, you'll find I'm actually a pretty talkative person. But shallow relationships take energy I'm not always willing to expend. I don't have any a lot of patience with high maintenance relationships. I'm not overly emotional (I'm working on being more open), and I struggle with relationships and people that aren't straightforward. I don't understand enabling, pouting, or game playing so I tend to limit those type of relationships.

Are all of these bad traits? Not necessarily. I truly believe God made me the way I am. But at the same time we live in a fallen world where struggles do exist and often our good personality traits get morphed into something not so great.

You see, I'm pretty good at forgiving once or twice or maybe, even three times, but keep on piling on the offenses, and I start to struggle. Hurt my husband or my kids and the claws come out. You know the old adage, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."? Yeah, I can throw up walls stronger than Fort Knox in a minute, and good luck getting past them. But then there's that scripture in Matthew 18:21-22 ... you know, the one where Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother. Peter was like, "Not more than seven times, right?!" And Jesus responds, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Which basically means to infinity and beyond. And then he goes on to say later in the same passage that we have to forgive to be forgiven. I'm sure Peter was like, "Dude!!!" But Jesus said it so that settles it. (Obviously, this is paraphrased. Please take some time to read Matthew 18 for yourself.)

It's not just the walls. It's my whole attitude. I want you to know how I feel. I want to make you feel how I feel. You don't have to tell me it's not very Christlike. It's not something about myself that makes me proud. And I'm sure that's why this particular scripture keeps popping up in so many of my devotions.

“Therefore 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:20-21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I've been really convicted by this scripture lately. The truth is, for the most part, I'm good with people, but there are some areas and some people that have hurt me. Some very badly over many years, and I have to fight growing weary in doing good. I don't always do the best job of overcoming evil with good. I don't always want to. Sometimes I choose not to. But I'm asking God to help me and change that part of me. I'm asking Him to teach me to "keep no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13). And I'm asking you to join me in this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles in this area, and we need the support and help of others. (Even us introverts. ;))

Note:
Something that needs to be said because I don't want anyone to use this as an excuse to stay in a toxic, abusive, or codependent relationship. There are times in your life when you need to set boundaries and stay firm. Jesus was not manipulated by others, and He did not call us to stay in a relationship that is abusive and dangerous. If it's your marriage, you need to seek wise advice from a Godly counselor that can help you make the right choices (if you are in immediate danger you may need to leave and do that from a distance). If it's another relationship, you need to ask God to guide you in how to set healthy boundaries. Forgiveness is more about God changing your own heart and mind than about changing the other person. It is highly possibly their crummy behavior will continue, and you have to be wise and discerning in order to forgive and not continue to be abused and/or enable the other person.