Quick Thank You

I just wanted to drop in and say thank you for every thought and prayer. This has not been an easy time for any of us, but we know that God will see us through.

Moving Forward

Today we learned we lost our daughter. For now, she is still in the orphanage where we visited her. Eventually, she will go to live with her biological parents. This is relatively rare in international adoption, but rare doesn't mean much when you're the one to which it is happening. 

Our hearts are broken. How could something that seemed so right and so meant to be fall apart so easily? What was the purpose in this? The pain is pretty overwhelming.

Yet, we know that God has a plan. He always has a plan, and His plan hasn't been thwarted. 

We will grieve. We will heal. We will forever have a daughter that never came to live in our home, but will always live in our hearts. 

We will move forward. Our adoption journey is not over. We will fight the fear and move forward and pray that we find the little girl meant to live with us here in our home in America. We will move forward, but we will never completely move on. That little girl with huge brown eyes and the longest eyelashes I've ever seen will always hold a part of our hearts. 

Please pray for all of us as we navigate these very confusing and painful waters. Say a special prayer for Andrew as he tries to comprehend what is happening. It's hard as an adult. I cannot imagine the confusion from the standpoint of a child. Please pray that God brings us a daughter that will live and grow as part of our family. We haven't given up the dream of growing our family through adoption.

We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support these past few days. We thank each and everyone of you for holding us up in prayer. 

Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Psalm 27:13 (NKJV) I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Romans 8:28 (NKJV)  And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Those Who Are For Us Are More Than Those Against Us

We are absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of support we have received and in particular, for all the prayer warriors willing to go to battle for us and our daughter. It is currently a little after 2:00 a.m. on Monday morning in Bulgaria. Please continue to pray as we go into a new week. Pray for us to have favor in every situation and for the hearts of men to be turned by the hand of God. We know that there is a mighty army fighting for us. Again thank you! 

And when the servant of the man of God arose early and went out, there was an army, surrounding the city with horses and chariots. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” And Elisha prayed, and said, “ LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. (‭II Kings‬ ‭6‬:‭15-17‬ NKJV)

Once Again Asking for Prayer

For those who are not on Facebook:

Yesterday, we found out that our adoption is very much in jeopardy. It is nothing we did or didn't do, and we are heartbroken. Yesterday, was one of the hardest days of my life. We need nothing short of a miracle to turn things around. I can't give a lot of details at this point. Please pray for us to have wisdom and strength, for the truth to come out, for favor with all the right people, for hearts to change,  for justice to be done, and for supernatural protection over our daughter.

Major Prayer Needed

I'm not at liberty to say much at this point, but we need major prayers now! Please storm the gates of hell with us, and pray that satan will be utterly and completely defeated in our situation!

Today

I thought about blogging yesterday. I almost always write something on 9/11. But this year I decided not to write anything on the actual day. It's a day that comes with so many memories and emotions. In spite of all that is going on in our world and in our country right now, we still live in America, the greatest country on earth. I just hope we realize and value what we have and don't take it for granted. I'm not sure that we as a nation, and in particular our political leaders, always do that, and that makes me sad.


Moving on to today, and away from any major political arguments (because I don't have the energy) . . .


First, I want to thank everyone who has offered words of encouragement and prayers for us. They mean the world to us, and I'm going to be honest and tell you that we need them. They help more than you know. For those of you who put up with and helped me through my little pity party the other day, thank you. While I'd love to say it will never happen again, I'm not going to make any promises.


It has been one month exactly since we first met our sweet girl. When we came home from Bulgaria our caseworker told me that this wait was going to be extremely hard . . . quite possibly one of the hardest things we've ever done. A couple days out from Bulgaria, jetlagged as all get out, I naively thought, "I know it will be hard, but I've been through hard before. Try being rushed to the hospital at 35 weeks because you're bleeding to death. Then having an emergency C-section and having your baby rushed off to the NICU because he's in distress. Try bringing that same 4.5 pound baby home and coaxing him to eat an ounce every 2.5 hours when all he wants to do is sleep. Try keeping that up for 3+ weeks. I've done hard. I can handle this."


And I laugh at that person of just over three weeks ago. She was clearly not in her right mind. Because y'all this is hard, and the truth is I can't handle it . . . at least not on my own. But God can handle it, and so I'm completely and totally leaning on Him. And you know what, He gets me through. Sometimes it's through scriptures that seem to show up at various points throughout my day reminding of who it is I serve. Other times it's through a song that comes on the radio. And often times it's through y'all, the people in our lives who encourage us, support us, and pray for us. It's not easy. It's not fun. But in the midst of missing my daughter so intensely and so terribly, I find myself living and cherishing my life. It's hard not to wish the days away, but then I realize that in just over three weeks Andrew will be seven, and I want to hold on to six just a little longer.


In the past week I've seen scripture after scripture pop up in front of me about placing my hope and trust in God. This is not a battle I can fight alone. This is not a battle I'm capable of fighting at all. It's not my battle. I'm just along for the ride. It's His battle. So when I wake up at four in the morning and am hit with a pang of longing so strong that it takes my breath away. Or when I'm overcome by fears that I can't even put a name to but they're so strong they are close to debilitating, I have to turn to Him and give the battle back. It's not always pretty. It's never easy, but I do it over and over again. I honestly, don't know how any parent could ever do this without God. I'm 100% certain that without Him I would fall completely apart.


"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him."
Psalm 28:7

This Is Me Being Real

I want to start this post out with a major disclaimer. This is me being real, and this is how I feel right now in this moment on this Wednesday evening. This is not in any way directed at any one person. So if you find that you are offended or think I'm angry with you, I'm not. I will always welcome questions and comments and prayers. But I also want to be completely honest about what it's like going through this process with its rollercoaster of highs and lows, mountaintop and valley experiences. And today this is what it is like. 

Just a couple days ago I posted about surrendering everything to God. I wrote about how important it is to trust Him, and surrender every fear and every worry to Him. And nothing has changed in the last couple of days. I still firmly believe all of that.

But today . . .

Today, I'm struggling. Maybe it's because I have no paperwork to do. Maybe it's because it's been a month since we were in Bulgaria. Maybe it's because I miss my daughter like crazy. I don't know, but today, I'm struggling. I'm struggling with surrendering it all. 

The truth is I set Christmas up as this magical date. As if going to pick her up in January will be less special, less important, less meaningful. I want my daughter home for Christmas. I'm not going to pretend that I don't. But in order for that to happen a lot of things have to happen very quickly. Is it possible for us to travel to pick up our daughter before Christmas? Yes. We've had two couples from our agency recently go just over three months between trips so it is possible, but there is no guarantee. And that frustrates me. The not knowing. The waiting. The wondering. I hate it. I find it frustrating at best and maddening at worst. 

And then there are the questions. And the words of advice. And the comments. 

Just a few . . . 

"Why don't you have a date for trip 2?" Well, because we're dealing with a government, and governments always work at their own pace. Our government, their government . . . I can't make them work faster. Right now we're waiting for  a court date, and the only thing we can do (which is actually the biggest and best thing) is pray. And I pray . . . a lot. This whole crazy process has given me an entirely new perspective on "praying without ceasing".

"Gosh, this is going to be hard. How could you actually leave her in an orphanage?" Take however much you think you would miss your child if you had to leave them in an orphanage in another country and then multiply it by one million. Yep, it that's hard. And no, we weren't like "woohoo, we're leaving our kid in an orphanage for anywhere from 3-6 months!" But it's part of the process, and unless we wanted to completely ruin our adoption we had to leave her. I don't need to be reminded how difficult this is. I live it and breathe it every second of everyday.

And then there's my favorite, "You just need to be patient and wait on God." My child is in an orphanage in Bulgaria. And I know this, but I'm also human and a mother with a God given desire to care for and protect my children. So yes, I know I need to be patient and wait on God, but I'm going to have my moments. And I need to feel like if and when I have a moment, that I can just have it without anyone trying to make it better.

I'm going to stop now. Because the truth is (most) people are well meaning. And I don't want to lose every friend I've ever had because I'm in such a great mood tonight (insert sarcasm here). I'm just grouchy, and I'm really sorry I'm grouchy. I promise to be in a better mood next time we talk.  

I Surrender All

I've had so many things I've wanted to write lately, and yet, I don't. I've posted pictures on instagram of clothes and bedding and projects I'm working on to get our daughter's room ready, but the truth is those things are all time passers. The purpose in doing them is to fill the time so that I don't dwell on how much I miss our little girl. Because I miss her an insane amount. I'm ready for her to be here and not thousands of miles away, on the other side of the Atlantic.

Fear has been something with which I've struggled, and as we wait I have moments where I wrestle with very intense fears. At 4:00 a.m. on Friday morning I got up to use the restroom, and when I laid back down, I couldn't quiet my mind and fall back asleep. Laying there, not fully awake but not asleep, those fears began to flood my mind. All the what ifs and uncertainities of waiting seemed huge and overwhelming. It's always amazing to me how huge fears seem in the darkest hours of the night. And so I began to pray. I don't know that they were the most coherent prayers, but they were prayers nonetheless. And I have no doubt that God heard them. As I was praying the words from "I Surrender All" began to stream through my mind with such clarity:

All to Jesus I surrender;

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live. 

Refrain:I surrender all,

I surrender all;

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Humbly at His feet I bow,

Worldly pleasures all forsaken;

Take me, Jesus, take me now. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;

Let me feel the Holy Spirit,

Truly know that Thou art mine. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Lord, I give myself to Thee;

Fill me with Thy love and power;

Let Thy blessing fall on me. 

All to Jesus I surrender;

Now I feel the sacred flame.

Oh, the joy of full salvation!

Glory, glory, to His Name!*

And I was reminded I have absolutely no control at this point. We've done our part. We've filled out the paperwork. We've been through all the testing and training, and now, it's time to wait. Of all the things that are glaringly obvious in this process, God's hand has been the most obvious. I see Him working in this in ways, I never imagined, and I know that He has good things for us. I also know that He's bigger than any of the challenges we have faced or will face, and so I let go of the control I never had and surrendered it all to Him.

Will I still pray for favor and a speedy process? Yes. Will I still pray for my daughter's health and safety? Most definitely. But I will pray from a place of surrender knowing that my God is a God who loves us . . .  all of us . . . and has good things for us instead of praying out of desperate fear. As I'm typing this so many scriptures pertaining to God's blessings are running through my head. But I want to leave you with one of my favorites knowing that He is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NKJV)

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."

* Hymn - I Surrender All written by Judson W. Van DeVenter 1896