Saying "Yes"

There is a blog post floating around on social media right now. It's extremely popular. I've seen it shared on Facebook multiple times. It's not likely to be read by those who aren't or who haven't adopted. It was a good post. The gist was that in adoption we need to look past the adorable baby photos, the heroics of adopting a special needs child, and the desire to speed up the process and truly understand what the future may hold.

And I totally get it. When we first read Anna's medical report there were parts that terrified me. There were and are still unanswered questions. Some questions we may never have answers to. We said "yes", not with some misguided notion that we were getting a perfect child, we said "yes" to developmental delays, malnutrition, major prematurity, a two year old that could only sort of walk and was nonverbal ... we said "yes" to institutional behaviors (rocking, finger sucking, tantrums), to people staring and asking "why does she do that?"... we said "yes" to a whole myriad of things most of which I'll never discuss here ... but really we said "yes" to our girl. Our smart, sweet, silly, bright, beautiful girl.

So I get it. In my four short months of parenting this way, I've had highs and lows. I've cried and laughed and had meltdowns and laughed again usually all in just the span of a few hours. And I never, never would push a parent to accept a referral for a child they know they can't parent.

But here's the thing, if you want to be completely honest, I'm not qualified to be a parent to either of my children. If you want to be completely honest, none of us know what lies ahead. Medical reports aren't worth much more than the paper on which they're printed. Some have turned out to be far worse. Some have turned out to be much better. And giving birth to a child doesn't exactly guarantee a picture perfect future for them.

So even though, I do get the reasoning behind the blog, I can't say I 100% agree with the blog post, and it kind of rubbed me the wrong way (and this is why I've chosen not to link to it). I do think you need to go into parenting in all its forms with your eyes wide open. I think you need to be aware and work hard and know that there will be heartbreaks and disappointments. But in the end, I think you need to realize that no one is truly qualified. No one is perfect, and life, especially parenting, is full of risks. And adoptive parenting, in particular, holds a million unknowns and "what ifs?". That is why I lean heavily on my Savior each and every day.

I'm very glad we said "yes".

“The reality is that the Lord never calls the qualified; He qualifies the called.” 
― Henry T. Blackaby

(Side note 1: I am not saying to take special needs lightly or rush headlong into something you know you cannot handle. I'm just saying be open to God's leading and don't let fear dominate your choices.)

(Side note 2: I owe y'all Anna's 3rd birthday post. I just need to get it together and get the pics off the real camera.)

Easter

Easter morning started off gray and dreary. It was damp and chilly, and certainly, not what one would call a beautiful Easter morning. But as the day progressed, the sun came out, and the damp cool air was replaced by a soft, beautiful breeze. It made me think of the first Easter Sunday so many years ago. How dark and dismal the world must have seemed as that day dawned. The grief must have been unbearable as the women went to the tomb only to be shocked to find it empty. And the revelation that Jesus was alive brought a lifting of the heaviness and the light shone through. 

Easter was good. It was busy, and the first holiday that Anna got to celebrate with family. I tried to get pictures, but photographing an eight year old and a toddler is not an easy task. By Sunday afternoon Miss Anna was exhausted and crashed in my parents' hammock (yes we were right there). 

On Attachment

Attachment is a tricky thing. It doesn't happen in three days, or three weeks, or even three months. Most people don't understand the attachment process, and after explaining it until I'm blue in the face, I've concluded that most people don't really care to understand it. Which is why, even at the three month point, even though Anna is learning slowly that we're her family, I'm still hesitant to go many places. Why? Because people make it about them and not her. They just have to hold her even when I'm trying with everything to keep her focus on us. It happens over and over again, and if they do decide to respect the boundaries we've set, they make sure we know how put out they are about it. How inconvenienced they are and unfair it is. How important it is that she know who they are. And frankly, it's not worth the stress. It's not worth dealing with angry friends and family. So it's just easier to stay home and hide. But at three (plus) months post placement, we have to get out. There are things we need to do. And it's unfair to Andrew for us to never do anything fun.

So once again, I'm going to try to explain where Anna is and what we need from you. And I know there will be those that understand and try, but there will be those that continue to say things like, "See she likes me, and she wanted to come to me." And I will continue to take her back because I'm her mother, and she needs to understand that it is not okay to just go to every person that reaches for you and makes a silly face. In fact, in this day and age it can be dangerous.

Anna is learning what the concept of a family is, but in her almost three years in an orphanage, she had multiple caregivers. Some stayed for months. Some for years, but the idea of permanency is not only new but hard to grasp. She likes us a lot. She smiles and laughs (and tantrums and gets angry sometimes) for us. She sometimes gives us hugs and kisses, and no it's not cute if she tries to kiss you. Again, it's not normal for a three year old to kiss people she hardly knows. But here's the deal, when one of us is gone, she also doesn't really notice. Right now it is all very "out of sight out of mind". She's very happy when we return, but if we didn't, at this point, she'd probably adjust pretty quickly. I'm not saying that for sympathy or for people to say, "All kids do this." That statement drives me crazy. Because not all kids were abandoned. Not all kids suffered hunger and neglect and lived in an orphanage with 200 other kids and no one to truly meet their needs.

So what do we need from you? We need support. We need you to direct her attention back to us if she reaches for you. We need you to not get your feelings hurt and understand that she's still learning and adjusting. And bottom line, we need you to understand that Anna is a little person, who has suffered immense loss in her short life. She's not a circus sideshow for everyone to ogle. Do I believe that God is healing her wounds? Absolutely, and I also believe that the Holy Spirit guides us and gives us wisdom as parents. So I'm asking you to come alongside us in this.

I realize this post is a bit of a rant, but I also think it needs to be said. I'm not an overly confrontational person, but I feel like sometimes you just have to put it out there.

Three Months

Three months ago we left Sofia before the first ray of sunlight to drive three hours to pick a tiny, frightened, overwhelmed little girl.

Three months ago we carried her out of the only place she had ever known as home. No longer was she an orphan. She was and is a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, and a cousin. She belonged.

Three months ago love was put into action, and we began a journey of realizing it is far more than a feeling. It is a daily action. Sometimes is beautiful, and sometimes it fights tooth and nail to see progress.

Three months ago . . . such as short amount of time and yet, a lifetime seems to have passed.

Anna is not the same little girl we picked up. Physically, emotionally, mentally ... 

Anna has gained six pounds and grown almost three inches. Yes, you read that right. She loves to eat. She doesn't mind touching her food, but she still won't eat out of her hands or mine. After a lot of evaluating and observing, the OT and I concluded that it's not sensory as much as programming. We are continuing to work on both eating with her hands and drinking liquids which is still a battle. But the upside is she feeds herself very well with a fork and spoon and eats pretty much whatever we're eating. 

Anna now says, "Uh-Oh", "Yee-haw", "More", "Mama", "Dada", "No No", and "Night Night". She loves music and mimics rhythms quite well. We hear a ton of gibberish with lots of consonant sounds thrown in. She'll often rattle something off and expect us to understand which is both funny and frustrating. She understands so much now. For a child with "zero receptive language" hers has grown by leaps and bounds!

We've seen more appropriate play these past few weeks. She interacts very well with us and loves to play chase, make faces, and be silly. Oh my goodness is she silly. Anna also loves books. The child who wouldn't sit for half a second to look at a book now drags me into her room multiple times a day to sit in the rocker and read, "B-b-b-b" (Brown Bear, Brown Bear ...).

We've had an unseasonably warm winter and have spent a ton of time outside. I can't wait for swimming and water play this summer. She's going to love it.

Each week Anna has Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, and Speech. She's knocking her goals right out of the park. 

Bonding and attaching, while still a work in progress, are going well. Anna had no concept of affection when she came home, and she's slowly (and sometimes stingily) learning to give hugs and kisses to Mama and Daddy. We never push. We just offer affection, and she'll often catch us off guard with a huge, slobbery kiss. 

Are there still struggles? Yes! Miss Anna has quite an opinion and quite a temper. Some days are good. Some are exhausting. She still struggles with getting overwhelmed from time to time, and though we see it less and less, she has rough days where those self stimming behaviors (mostly rocking) rear their heads. 

Anna is a strong, passionate, lively almost three year old, and we get all the good (and sometimes the bad) that goes along with that. Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers! Please keep them coming! 

Sharing the Burden

I'm sure you've heard me speak of our Bulgaria Adoption Group. We are a close knit group. We support one another. We laugh with one another. We mourn with one another. These past few days have been no exception.

Last weekend one of the couples from our group were in Bulgaria picking up their special needs sons when the husband and father suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. To say these past few days have been a nightmare for the mother and wife is no exaggeration, but the added stress and expense of being in a foreign country as she deals with all this only makes it worse. The adoption community has rallied around her as have thousands all over the world, but y'all she needs more rallying. She's bringing these boys home. She has children at home. Due to circumstances beyond their control, her husband did not have life insurance. A lot of money has been raised, but more is needed. I rarely, if ever, push fundraising sites, but I'm pushing this one. Please give. Please share the burden. Anything is appreciated. 

https://www.youcaring.com/quesenberry-family-529570