This past weekend Patrick and I had the opportunity to attend The Empowered to Connect Conference that is put on by
Show Hope (the adoption foundation started by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth).
About a year and a half ago a fellow adoptive mother recommended a book to me called
The Connected Child, a book written to give hope to adoptive families and those parenting kids from hard places. One of the main authors of the book, Dr. Karyn Purvis, has spent years not only researching but putting into practice her ideas and methods to help kids from hard places all over the world. In 10 years of teaching, I went through numerous trainings and informational sessions, and I taught numerous kids with very extreme and severe emotional needs and deep trauma in my classroom. It seemed like we always worked to modify behavior, but we didn't get to the heart of the issues (which was very hard to do in a classroom with 22 kids many of which were high needs, high risk). I knew a lot about the issues, but I didn't know a lot about how to deal with the underlying hurts and traumatic experiences that led to these issues in the first place. This book offered answers that made sense, and that meshed well with our Christian worldview. Then around November, I discovered the
Empowered to Connect website, and I realized that not only did it offer numerous resources, but they were hosting a conference in April in San Antonio where Dr. Purvis and her team would be teaching and speaking. I hate conferences . . . I couldn't wait for this one, and it did not disappoint.
I will not reinvent the proverbial wheel by going into all of the strategies and methods Dr. Purvis taught. I am sure that I would do her and her team a great injustice by even trying. I will tell you that this isn't a new way or method of disciplining. It is actually living day in and out in such a way that we build strong bonds of trust with our kids. (I am going to list resources at the end of this post so please look into those for more info on the exact details.)
After thinking about and processing everything we heard this weekend, I wanted to talk about a few things that stuck with me:
(1) These children can heal. I think this is one of the most encouraging and important pieces of the weekend. These kids are not hopeless, but we must meet the needs of the whole person: physical (good nutrition, balanced blood sugar, etc.) and spiritual needs are not separate from one another. These kiddos are not doomed to a life of just barely getting by. They can heal, but if we don't, with God's help and guiding, help to facilitate that healing then we will at best end up spinning our wheels and at worst end up moving backwards very quickly. Dr. Purvis spent some time discussing the brain and how it heals, and it is very important that we connect with these kids in such a way that helps the brain to build new healthy pathways. Yelling, demanding, punishing, separating, inducing shame . . . it just doesn't work with traumatized kids (and it's not awesome with bio kids either). They cannot respond to these types of discipline because their brains literally cannot handle it. And yes, even babies can and do experience trauma.
(2) This whole process, however, is not dependent as much on the what the child brings to the relationship as it is on what the parent brings to the relationship. We have to look at our triggers and ask ourselves why they set us off. We have to look at our ways of attaching to others both as a child and now, and deal honestly with anything that needs to be dealt with. As one presenter put it take a good hard look at and own "the good, the bad, and the ugly". Then let it go, forgive if needed, and move forward. We can't help these kids heal if we haven't "owned" our own issues. Healing is a journey but we need to let God make us whole in order to help our children be made whole. Also, and this was reiterated numerous times throughout the weekend, we need to avoid feeling shame for mistakes we've made. Change is possible. Shame is not helpful nor does God want us living in shame.
(3) Every child is precious, and they need to know it in both the "sunshine and the rain". That seems like such a given, but when these kids mess up and we berate them, we lecture them, we tell them they're bad, they feel far from precious. Do we need to be firm? Yes. Do we tolerate disrespect? Never. Are we permissive? Absolutely not, but we need to let them know that even in the midst of a meltdown they are loved and precious.
The things on which I am currently working with Andrew: (1) I need to play more. I tend to get caught up in what needs to be done around the house, and I neglect play. (2) Along with this, I need to be present in the moment. I need to take the time to snuggle on the couch and listen to my child(ren). I do not want to in any way be dismissive of my children. (3) I am researching how to create a sensory rich environment. I'm not entirely sure how it will look right now because I want it to meet the specific needs of my child, but I am researching. (4) I am going to stop expecting "perfect" from both myself and others (this one is more from the book than the conference).
There was so much more to this conference. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I learned. I encourage, again, to check into the resources. Read the book. Watch the video clips.
Resources (these main resources will lead you to more resources than I could ever list . . . click for more info):
