Dreams or Goals or Something Like That

The last time I blogged (almost a week ago . . . blog fail), I wrote about wanting more, wanting something different, wanting something that I couldn't exactly name. And you guys . . . y'all, I know there aren't any comments on here, but on Facebook and in person, I've had so many people tell me that they're praying for me . . . that they understand. And the word appreciative doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. So yeah, thank you . . . seriously, thank you.

Writing . . . I've always had a passion for writing. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculously cheesy. I have a "passion" for writing. Me and about a million other people. With the advent of the internet thousands of "authors" were made overnight. But back in the days before there was a computer or two in every household in America and dial up was just dream on the horizon, I wanted to be a writer. And truth is, that's never changed.

But "I want to be a writer" is somewhere up there with "I want to be a superhero, a famous country music singer, or Meg Ryan". Not exactly practical, and good grief where does one even start? And what the heck do you even write about? I've always been a decent writer. I'm pretty good at the non-fiction stuff and okay with the whole world of fiction, but I don't think I'm exactly alone in this. I could probably walk down the street and find ten people that write just as well or better than I.

Still, I have a "passion" for writing. I don't want to write the "Great American Novel". It's been done. No need to mess things up by trying to do it again. Besides I'm pretty sure I have neither the stamina nor the patience nor the organizational skills nor the talent to get it done. But I always said I wanted to be a children's author. Somehow I lost sight of that. I teach writing to children everyday, and I guess by the time I'm done teaching I never get around to actually doing it myself. The other side to this is that I'd love to do freelance work . . . to write articles for magazines.

I don't know if I even remotely have what it takes. I don't where in the world I'd even begin. And obviously, I would have to have to drop the insane overuse of cliches. But I talk in cliches. So much of my conversation is made up of cliches. Maybe that could be my thing? Cliches? No? I really don't see the problem here. Cliches and sarcasm . . . my trademarks. Too bad those don't make great children's books.

Okay, so I have clearly lost sight of my point in this post. My point being, that I've had dreams that I've kind of forgotten about. That I've decided would never happen so why not just let them go? I guess I let them get lost in the day-to-day, mundane-ness (that's not a word) of life. So cliche . . . I know. But I'm kind of over that. I think we were created to dream. It's what keeps us moving forward. It's what keeps us going. So I'm not completely sure what this means. But I will keep writing, and maybe someday, you'll by a book for your kid or grandkid and under the title will be my name as the author . . . because it sure as heck won't be the illustrator . . . I can't draw a stick figure.


I promise I'll actually do a real post soon and stop talking about myself. I need to post pictures showing how to properly avoid the celebration of Halloween by dressing your child in a costume, letting him (or her) have as much candy as possible, and masking the fact that it's Halloween by attending a "fall" festival. Because c'mon, ya'll know we can't be celebrating Halloween.

Prayer Requests

Okay so here's the deal, I'm a control freak which is an extremely thinly veiled way of saying I'm a worrier. And if I'm having trouble finding something to worry about, I can always create something.

The other thing is, I don't like asking for help, and I particularly don't like asking for prayer. I don't know why. Maybe it means I'm admitting that I don't really have control, which I don't. Maybe it means that I'm weak, which I am. But there are some things going on right now, nothing bad, but just things, that I feel like it's important to pray about. There are big changes coming. There are decisions to be made, and I'm going to move out of comfort zone and ask you to pray. I'm going to trust God to hear these prayers, to answer them in the best way for my family, and the big one, to help me not to worry. Because the good Lord knows I can't do it on my own.

First, our home - We have the plans. We have the lot. We are saving right now toward the down-payment. So now we need our home to sell at the right time. We need a home to live in while we're building. We need wisdom about when to start, and what to do, and who to use for various jobs. We just have a lot of decisions facing us, and I don't want to make mistakes because we don't stop and pray and wait for guidance. I also don't want to be afraid to make decisions because I'm afraid of making a mistake. So yeah, that's perfectly clear and not confusing at all.

Second, my job - I really, really hesitate to put this out there for fear that someone whose kids I taught or that I work with will think that I don't care about my job and the kids I teach. I do. I've taught school for almost ten years, and over the past ten years, I've learned a lot. I've worked hard. I've committed myself, and I feel like I've gotten pretty good at what I do. I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes, but I put a lot into my teaching.

I know to many people it seems like the ideal job. In some ways it is. But over the last ten years, I've seen the workload more than double. I've found myself spending hours upon hours at home working on paperwork just so I'm not weeks behind, and I'm getting to work before seven in the morning in order to get just a little work done. The pressure has become more and more intense, and schools have become more and more competitive, and some days, I think both the kids and I might spontaneously combust.

I know. I sound like I'm ungrateful, and I'm not. I'm extremely grateful that I have a job, and I love the kids. But honestly, I worry that once Allison comes home, both my work and life at home will suffer. I worry that the pressure will affect my parenting in a very negative way. Sometimes, I think it already does. There are days when I leave work so emotionally and physically drained that I just don't want to deal with another problem. And I feel like it's unfair to my family to give more of myself to my job than to them.

My heart's desire, which is really what I'm getting to, is to have a job with more flexibility. I want to have a job where I can be there for my son and daughter. When I went back to work after I had Andrew, he was three months old. I cared. I was upset. I felt like I was abandoning my son, but to tell the truth, he could've cared less. And by the time he was old enough to realize that he was being left everyday, he had adjusted. But with Allison it's going to be different. She will be aware from day one. She will most likely be terrified and confused, and she won't speak English. So while I know that she will most likely have to spend some time away from me, it's very important that we have as much time together as possible to facilitate the bonding between us.

At this point, not working isn't really an option, but I would love to be able to have the flexibility to drop my kids off at school, to go to doctors' appointments and field trips and parties, and well, I would love to have my cake and eat it to. I know that sounds selfish and ridiculous to a lot of people, but I'm putting it out there anyway.

So what exactly do I want prayer for? I have a very hard time putting it into words, or maybe I just think those words sound stupid. I'm asking God to lead me, and guide me, and open the doors that need opening, and close the doors that need closing. I'm asking for, not just a job, but for a place that understands and supports the importance of family. I'm asking for the perfect position for me. Like I said, I'm asking for my cake, and I definitely want to eat it. :)

Wow! That was way longer than I ever intended it to be. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for praying.

Three Things (starting with an adoption update)

1. Our agency received two or three referrals this week! I say two or three because there's a set of twins involved, and I'm not sure if that counts as one or two referrals. But yay for referrals! We're finally seeing movement again.

2. Not working out is dangerous for me. When I work out, I eat healthy. When I don't, I bake. And it's the time of year when I want to bake things like apple pies and gingerbread and buttery scones. It's really not good.

3. Since we've been home this afternoon, Andrew has correctly used the word "apparently" in a sentence, educated me on the finer points of what being a predator means, and informed me that "children need energy to grow". I'm not sure where he gets this stuff. He's a continual source of entertainment.

Politics Take Two

Oh my word, have ever I debated whether or not to post this. It's been sitting in my posts list as a draft for quite some time. I've almost hit publish a dozen times, and then backed out. It's not directed at any one comment or person. It is a result of a number of comments, arguments, and different points of view that I've heard over the last several weeks. Love it or hate it, its my point of view so I guess I'll take a risk and hit publish.

This post isn't really about changing anyone's mind. It's definitely political, but it's more about me putting my opinions out there. Y'all know how I struggle with that. Okay, that's a lie . . . you can quit laughing now.

I've heard a lot lately about not calling our current government, specifically our president, what it/he is . . . about respecting the president because he's the president . . . about, to put it simply, how Christians should keep their mouths shut and just vote. And quite honestly, I disagree.

First off, if you even somewhat understand how the electoral college works (good luck with that . . . it's hands down one of the most confusing parts of our whole election system) then you know that you better do a whole lot more than just count on your vote. Yes, your vote counts, but ultimately, the electoral college casts the votes for each state, and usually the votes follow the popular vote for that state (in some states it's required by law but not in all), but there have been (a very few) cases in history where they have not. Do some research. It's pretty interesting. My point is you need to be educated and understand what's going on. You need to take responsibility not only for your vote but for making your views known.

Second, while I may be a firmly decided voter, not everyone is, and call me crazy, but I think it's somewhat important to call lies . . . well, lies. When someone stands in front of the nation, day after day, week after week, month after month . . . you get my point . . . and tries to destroy this nation (and yes, I do believe we're on the path to destruction), someone better take a stand. If I can change even one mind, then I feel like I've done my job.

Third, our founding fathers stood up for what they believed in. They didn't sit silently by and twiddle their thumbs and hope things would get better. That's what that little thing called the American Revolution was about. Now granted, they didn't have the right to vote. They actually had very few rights. They were being governed without representation, and they decided it was time to fight back. If we don't want to find ourselves in the same proverbial boat, swimming just to keep our heads above water and seeing our freedoms and livelihoods disappear, then we'd better speak up. This is not a benign election. I may sound extremely radical here, but this might quite possibly be one of the most important elections in American history.

Abraham Lincoln spoke of a "government of the people, by the people, for the people". Guess what? This is our government, and if we want things to change then we need to take responsibility for what's happening right now. Years of keeping silent and not standing up for what is right has led us to a nation that is a mess. We are on the brink of a financial and moral catastrophe if things don't change.

In Bible times the Scribes and Pharisees commanded much respect. They were the leaders of the church. They were men with power and positions of honor, and in Matthew 23:33 Jesus referred to them as a "brood of vipers". Early in the same chapter He refers to them as "hypocrites". That's not mild language people.

I don't feel that criticizing the wrong in our government and in our president is counter intuitive to my Christian faith nor do I think that it is disrespectful. Lies are lies folks. And it may be cheesy and cliche but I've said it before and I'll say it again, "If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, well then ladies and gentlemen, it's a duck."

Contentment (revisited)

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about contentment. About how contentment is not about settling, but about trusting God that things will happen in His timing, the right timing. You can read it here if you feel so inclined.

God is still dealing with me about the whole area of contentment. It's an ongoing battle, but the latest front in this battle deals with the subject of comparison. The Internet (Facebook, Twitter, Blogs) feeds comparison like nothing else. How often do we look at other mothers and wives, and think, based upon the very small glimpse of life we get to see, that "she must be a better mother and/or wife than I"? How often do we post pictures, stories, comments, etc. trying to make ourselves look better . . . trying to one-up someone else? Wow! Did I just say that?!? I'm not pointing any fingers, but I'm admitting I've struggled with both. Ummm . . . please don't hate me . . . But let's face it, none of us put out there that we just had a fight with our husband, yelled at our kids, and ate a pound and a half of fudge, and I'm not asking you to. I'm just saying we tend to put our best foot forward when it comes to the world wide web.

Clearly, I know pride and trying to impress others is wrong. It's ridiculous and petty, and I should know better. But God is also showing me that it's equally as wrong to measure our self worth, our "goodness" as wives, or mothers, or whatever it is against others. God didn't create us to go around comparing ourselves to others. He created us to commune with Him. He created us to love Him and to accept His love. And in that there's no room for either comparison or pride.

So I'm learning to be content with who I am. I'm not saying that I need to stop growing or changing as God leads, but I need to stop trying to be perfect. I need to stop trying to do God's job for Him. I need to realize that He sees me as redeemed by His blood, and that my friends is a beautiful thing!