An Unode

What's the opposite of an ode? Because that's what this post is . . . I'll call it An Unode to Standardized Testing.

This morning, all over the state of Texas, students took the first part of the new STAAR test. Anxiety was high . . . nerves were shot . . . massive amounts of coffee were consumed . . . and I'm just talking about the teachers here. I'm pretty sure that the only thing as bad as taking "the test" is administering it.

Methinks standardized tests were invented as a torture device for teachers.

The list of things you can't do is a mile and a half long:

• You can't help . . . "I can't answer that question. Just do your best."
• You can't answer questions (see above)
• You can't read or even glance at their work
• You can't grade papers
• You can't do lesson plans
• You can't turn on your phone, or computers, or any other electronic devices
• You can't read the test either out loud or in your head . . . it's top secret . . . like CIA top secret
• You can't sit down
• You can't smile
• You can't frown
• You can't juggle knives or babies
• You can't sing Broadway show tunes or read trashy novels or The National Enquirer
• You can't eat swords
• You can't breathe fire  . . . just checking to see who's still reading

The list of things you must do isn't quite as long:

• You must time the test
• You must walk around at a pace fast enough to avoid reading the test but slow enough to see if the child is doing the correct part of the test . . . virtually impossible
• You must keep all test items secure at all times
• You must keep your face and tone expressionless at all times throughout the testing
• You must sign away your life and swear under penalty of law that you will and will not do the appropriate things at the appropriate times
• You must stay awake (can someone come help me get these toothpicks out of my eyes?)

No big deal really. I mean aren't standardized tests what life is all about? Don't they lead to great successes in life?

Day one down . . .