FEAR

I am not, by nature, an "eternal optimist". I've never been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I'm a worrier. I'm paranoid. When I was little, I was convinced that at any moment either (1) a tornado was going to flatten my house or (2) a fire was going to burn it to the ground. I'm not kidding. I'm not even remotely trying to be funny. That is the God-honest truth. I've always been the" prepare for the worst and then you won't be disappointed" type.

Hello, my name is Courtney, and I'm a recovering pessimist. I say recovering because I'm pushing through my fears. Yep that's what it all boils down to FEAR! Big fat ugly 4 letter word now isn't it? (Ha! I just re-counted the letters to make sure there were four) But it's there. I'm sure it exists in all of us to one extent or another. I hope that we all have, at the very least, some healthy fear. You know like the kind of fear that tells you, at eight years of age, that you cannot fly so don't even try it?

But over the last few years I think God has been teaching me (okay more like compelling me) to stop walking around afraid. Even before this whole adoption process became a reality, He started pushing me to realize that a lot (okay most) of my fears were completely unfounded. He also started showing me that my fears are an insult to Him and who He is. Yep, I'm insulting the Creator of the Universe by choosing to be afraid and not trust Him. Thankfully, He is also a good and loving God, who has an enormous amount of patience with me and all of my craziness.

Marrying Patrick has been an exercise in risk-taking. Not actually marrying him. I mean marrying him wasn't in and of itself a risk (he's an incredibly stable guy), but Patrick is a lot more of a risk-taker than I ever care to be. He chose a job, real estate, that completely depends on the ebb and flow of the economy. Then he chose to buy rental properties which I wouldn't have done in a million years. Then he told me that he wanted to become a part owner in his company. All the while, I was in the corner hyperventilating into a paper (not plastic) bag. Have I had a "freak" out moment or two in this whole process? Have there been some arguments about whether or not "this" or "that" was a good idea? You betcha, but I'm also learning that I can't stand still and do nothing just because I'm afraid.

Just a little over four years after getting married, I gave birth to Andrew five weeks early. And along with crazy hormone lady, I turned into a great big bundle of nerves. Is he hungry? Did he eat enough? If I just give him formula am I the worst mom ever? Why won't he sleep? Why is he sleeping so much? What if he breaks? What if I don't hold him enough? What if I hold him too much? When did he last poop? Are we bonding? Finally, I had to realize that I'm not perfect. No mother is. And I gave it to God and did my best. Guess what? Andrew is a happy, healthy, thriving three year old. Sure he has his moments, but last night when I was laying beside him in his bed he said, "Mom, I really like you." Now he tells me he loves me all the time, but when he says he likes me, that is a huge compliment. It means I'm at the level of his friends, his toys, and his Dad. Nothing to complain about there.

Enter adoption. Oh my goodness. This process can induce the kind of panic that is almost heart stopping. The questions. The coordination of all the appointments. The paperwork. The waiting . . . and waiting . . . and more waiting. FEAR! and I mean in a major way! But I'm learning. It may take me a while, but I am learning. Which is why, I have bought a few things. First of all, it's why I've started collecting things for her room. Because it shouts in the face of fear. I also bought a little dress for her. I bought size 24 months. I'm sure that even if she's closer to three than two, it will fit her at some point. It's a summer dress so who knows if the seasons will be right? But again, I'm not giving in to fear.  Beyond that, and more importantly, it's why I pray, but I don't just pray, I quote God's Word. I've found time and time again that there is power in His Word that cannot be found anywhere else. It has the ability to calm and bring peace like nothing I've ever experienced.

So I may still have my moments, but I would say that I am definitely a recovering pessimist on my way to becoming an (eternal?) optimist.

Psalm 18:30

New International Version (NIV)

 ³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect:
   The LORD’s word is flawless;
   he shields all who take refuge in him.

Isaiah 41:10

New International Version (NIV)
¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.