Settled in the One and Only

1 Peter 5:10
But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

This was the verse of the day yesterday on my Bible app on my phone. It comes from a fabulous passage of scripture which talks about casting your cares upon God. If you haven't read ever it, or if you need a refresher, I encourage to look it up.

Yesterday, when I read this verse something jumped out to me that I've never really paid much attention to in the past. Isn't it amazing how scripture does that? It really is alive and while it's unchanging, you can read the same passage or verse a thousand times and it can have a different meaning every single time depending on where you are in your life at that moment.

Yesterday, when I read it, the last two words hit me in a way they never have before. I've read this scripture so many times, but when I went back and read it again, I actually asked myself, "Does it really say settle you?". I mean we all want to be perfected, established, and strengthened, but when I read those words "settle you" . . .  I mean how amazing is that? To be settled . . . not settling for less, but being settled. To me being settled brings a picture of being content and at peace wherever you are. It brings a picture of being calm and at rest in a good way. It brings a picture of being confident in the One who can do what we can't do.

I think it's amazing how God works in our lives. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He knows what we are and are not ready for. And if we let Him, He will settle us.

Lessons from a Four Year Old

Andrew's four, and a lot of things come with being four. There are occasional fits, smart alec remarks here and there (didn't realize that happens at four and not fourteen), stomping of feet, whining . . . but something else also comes with being four . . . childlike faith.

When Andrew asks "God and Jesus" . . . he always prays to "God and Jesus" . . . try explaining The Trinity to a four year old . . . anyway, when he prays, he believes that God is listening plain and simple, and he trusts that God is on the job.

He prays for rain without fail every single day. His prayers for rain are long and detailed. "Dear God and Jesus, Thank you for all the rain we've had, and please send more rain for the plants, and the dirt, and the trees, and the leaves on the trees, and the beautiful flowers, and the leaves on the flowers, and the roots, and the roses, and the animals, and the grass . . . " It last for quite a while, but when he's done, he firmly believes it's going to rain. And you know, since he's started praying for rain, we've had more rain than we've had in the whole previous year. Now, I'm not saying that it's Andrew in particular that's brought the rain and that he has some special connection to God that no one else has. My point is the childlike faith that accompanies the prayer . . . the belief and trust that cannot be changed.

The past couple of days Andrew's also been breaking out in hives. Through it all he's insisted that "Jesus will fix his bumps", and so while I'm running around frantically trying to find some Benadryl that hasn't expired and racking my brain trying to figure out what's causing the hives, my four year old son is not in the least bit concerned about the itchy bumps spreading over his body. I'm not saying that he doesn't need medicine or that a trip to the doctor isn't warranted (we're actually going in a little while), but I'm once again taken aback at the way that a four year old seems to have a better grasp on trusting God than the older and wiser adults in his life.

While rushing around looking for said Benadryl the other night, a thought (which I'm 100% sure was from God) flashed through my mind, "This is what childlike faith is." Maybe I'm dense. Maybe everyone else grasped this years ago, but again, God used my four year old to show me something so simple yet so profound. When I pray, do I really trust God? Not necessarily to do exactly what I want, but simply that He loves me and will certainly do what's best for me? Do I believe that He hears my prayers for rain, both literally and figuratively?

God calls us to come as little children with a childlike faith. He does not call to be childish, but somewhere along the way, I think we've confused the two. We come stomping our feet and insisting on our way regardless of the consequences of getting what we think we want or need at the moment. But Jesus wants us to come trusting and letting Him touch us with His love, His mercy, His peace, and His grace. He wants us to come as a little child.

Mark 10:13-15
¹³ Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. ¹⁴ But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. ¹⁵ Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”

First Things First

"You can't get second things by putting them first; you can get second things only by putting first things first." C.S. Lewis

I've been reading the book "Think Differently, Live Differently" by Bob Hamp. He's a pastor at Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas. Specifically, he's in charge of what they call their Freedom Ministry at Gateway. Patrick, frequently listens to sermons given by Robert Morris, the head pastor at Gateway, and a couple weeks ago, I sat down with him and listened to one that he gave on prayer. It was awesome. So I was going over the website, and I saw this thing called Freedom Ministry. Of course, my first thought was, "Oh that must be for those kind of people." You know, the kind with major problems. Arrogant, to say the least. I quickly discovered that it was not just a ministry for drug addicts, alcoholics, etc., but it really is a ministry for the entire Christian body.

Also, it's not a ministry that focuses primarily on getting people free from their stuff (although, that is one component). Freedom ministry defines freedom as being free to be who God created you to be. And y'all these are some of the best teachings I've listened to (I have to be honest and say I don't regularly listen to teachings), and the book is just as amazing. It's not about getting free from something, it's really about letting God transform you.

So getting to my point, yesterday I was reading the book, and I came across that quote by C.S. Lewis, and then I read the scripture, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33). I've read that scripture a million times before. I've sang the song. I've said verbally that God is first in my life, but for the first time ever, I stepped back and asked myself if I was really seeking God first. Or am I seeking Him for what He can do for me? Do I want Him or His solutions.

Now let me say this, I did not feel condemned or guilty or ashamed. I don't believe that God operates in that way. What I felt was aware. Aware of the fact that I often go to God for a solution to my problems but that I rarely just spend time with Him. I read my Bible for answers, and so I search out certain scriptures rather than asking Him to show me what He wants me to learn through His word. Let me also say this, God cares about our needs and our problems. He wants and desires to help us, but He is more than just a big problem-solver in the sky. He wants a relationship with us. So yesterday, I realized that I've spent most of my life expecting God to solve my problems but very little of my life really getting to know Him. In short, I've been putting second things first.

Maybe this isn't news to anyone but me, but it really made me see things differently. And I didn't wake up this morning totally different, but I also know that God is working in me to grow and change me. This morning I am immensely thankful to Him for showing me this. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to grow me up in Him and to keep working with me and on me. Even if it takes me 30 years to finally catch on to a verse that seems so clear and so simple.

The Lie of Self-Reliance

I have always taken pride in the fact that I was very self reliant and independent. Pressure? No problem, I've got it under control. Have I mentioned I'm also a control freak? The problem with this whole self-reliant thing, aside from the fact that I had way too much pride in it, is that no one is truly self-reliant. If we really rely on ourselves then we're going to be let down in a big way sooner or later.

I feel like God's really trying to work on this part of me. The part of me that says, "I've got it under control". The part of me, that in all honesty, has more faith in myself than in God sometimes. Did I just admit that? It's not easy, giving up control. I've fought for it my whole life. I like to be in charge. I'm bossy.

You know how the Bible says to "cast all your care on God" (1 Peter 5:7)? Some people find it so easy. Me? Not so much. I'm always afraid that if I don't worry something to death . . . if I don't analyze it from every angle . . . if I don't keep it at the forefront of my mind, then the world is going to crash down around me. As if I'm solely responsible for everything going the way it should. But the truth is that's a lie. There is a reason why God is God, and I'm not.

So yeah, this learning not to be self-reliant thing, isn't as easy as it sounds. It takes me learning to shut up and trusting that God will break through the madness that is my mind. Somehow though, I think it will all be worth it in the end.

Anyone Want to Join the Insanity?

So a while back (like a couple of weeks . . .  I think), I said something along the lines of how I wanted to live a less performance based lifestyle and to allow God's grace and mercy to be what leads me in life. That make any sense? Anybody even know what the heck I'm talking about?

If you aren't a performance driven person then you probably don't get this. And I'm not referring to being a lazy Christian just in case that's what you're thinking. I'm referring to not thinking that you can do anything to earn God's favor. This isn't the Girl Scouts people. This is Christianity. It seems like in the church it sometimes becomes about who can do more. As if we are earning merit badges. And y'all I'm one of the worst. All my life I've been a goal oriented person. I'm a perfectionist. I'm a worrier. I think things have to be done a certain way (dare I say I may be slightly OCD). Don't laugh many of you are right there with me.

So along with this new resolution of sorts comes the fact that I have to learn to totally and completely trust God. I have to learn to listen and hear and trust Him to lead me. It sounds so simple, yet it is so difficult. I find myself wondering and worrying that I haven't done something to please Him or that I am doing something that displeases Him (OCD anyone?). Not to mention that I just worry about everything in general. Seriously unhealthy? I know. Completely unreasonable? I'm not under any misconceptions about how stupid continual worrying is. But y'all . . . It! Is! An! Uphill! Battle! I've done it (it being worried) for 90% of my life.

Okay, so here's the question. How many of you girls (and guys) struggle with the same issues? How many of you want to join me in this crazy journey of becoming more dependent on God and much, much, much (I could add much many more times, but I won't) less dependent on self? If you want to, comment or email, and we'll commit to support one another and pray for each other. If not, we'll then chalk this up to another one of the crazy lady's posts. :)

Qualified

As a mother I often feel so underqualified. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy. Am I really qualified to be the mother of two children one of whom may come with some pretty hefty baggage even at a very young age? Am I really qualified to mother a little girl? I mean that's a job. And honestly, I think that mothering a daughter is much more difficult than mothering a son. They both have there challenges, but as a woman you have to be so careful not to push your own issues and insecurities on your daughter.

There are no college courses for motherhood. There are advice books, there are parenting books, but in the end they are really only some man or woman's opinion about how to parent. And the truth is I think that the devil wants nothing more than to make women feel underqualified. He wants nothing more than to make us feel like we just aren't good enough.

And that ladies, is where the real manual comes in. God's Word. I've been really focused on Proverbs 31 lately:

The Virtuous Wife (Proverbs 31:10-31 NKJV)

    ¹⁰ Who can find a virtuous wife?

      For her worth is far above rubies.

       ¹¹ The heart of her husband safely trusts her;

      So he will have no lack of gain.

       ¹² She does him good and not evil

      All the days of her life.

       ¹³ She seeks wool and flax,

      And willingly works with her hands.

       ¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,

      She brings her food from afar.

       ¹⁵ She also rises while it is yet night,

      And provides food for her household,

      And a portion for her maidservants.

       ¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;

      From her profits she plants a vineyard.

       ¹⁷ She girds herself with strength,

      And strengthens her arms.

       ¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is good,

      And her lamp does not go out by night.

       ¹⁹ She stretches out her hands to the distaff,

      And her hand holds the spindle.

       ²⁰ She extends her hand to the poor,

      Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.

       ²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,

      For all her household is clothed with scarlet.

       ²² She makes tapestry for herself;

      Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

       ²³ Her husband is known in the gates,

      When he sits among the elders of the land.

       ²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,

      And supplies sashes for the merchants.

       ²⁵ Strength and honor are her clothing;

      She shall rejoice in time to come.

       ²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,

      And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

       ²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,

      And does not eat the bread of idleness.

       ²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;

      Her husband also, and he praises her:

       ²⁹ “ Many daughters have done well,

      But you excel them all.”

       ³⁰ Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,

      But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

       ³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,

      And let her own works praise her in the gates.

When I first began studying this I'll be real honest, my initial thought was, "Seriously! This woman apparently doesn't sleep. She never whines. She's always working. She's the picture of perfection. No woman can live up to this." And y'all in our, "Me, me, me . . . I need time for myself society" this just doesn't fit in.

But before you have a full on fit (much like myself), I want you to read vs. 30. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." There's the key. Fear of the Lord. If you go back to vs. 10, according to Strong's Concordance the word "virtuous" comes from the Hebrew word "chayil" and it means:

1) strength, might, efficiency, wealth, army

    a) strength

    b) ability, efficiency

    c) wealth

    d) force, army

It is the same word that was used to refer to the thirty thousand "mighty men of valour" in Joshua 8:3.

Y'all this isn't some wimpy timid woman. She's an amazing woman. She has strength, ability, efficiency . . . Which brings us full circle to vs. 30. In order to be any of these things we have to "fear the Lord". Fear of the Lord brings with it an ability to function in this world to our fullest potential. The word fear comes from the Hebrew word "yare'" which means:

1) fearing, reverent, afraid

That's what this whole "Virtuous Woman" thing is about. It's not about being perfect or qualified. It's not about running around like a mad woman trying to perform to please others. It's about holding God in the highest regard. It's literally about putting Him before everyone and everything else . . . our husbands, our kids, ourselves.

I'm still a huge work in progress. I think I fail at this on a daily basis. But it brings me so much relief to know that I don't have to be "qualified". That the more I seek God, the more He changes me. And the more He changes me the more "qualified" I become. Not because of anything I do or can do, but because of who He is in me.

Where I Am Today

I'm always amazed at how God can completely change a situation without warning. More than once, I've found myself in a place that is extremely difficult, and I can't see anyway out. I feel trapped to put it mildly, and so I do what we all so often do as a last resort and should do as a first, I pray. And time and time again I'm amazed when God comes through in a way I never imagined. He sees things from an angle that I never dreamed existed, and without fail always provides a way.

The stress I've been under for the past few months has really served as a catalyst for God to bring some things to my attention, and He's dealing with me about some things in my life that I've let simmer for a long time. I feel like He's calling me to live above my fears, my anxieties, and my insecurities. I'm a notorious "worry-wart". If there's nothing to worry about, I'll create something. I've been that way my whole life, and I'm beginning to realize what a huge sin that has been. You would think I would've figured that out by now. Anyhow, it's time to stop. It's time to stop being comfortable living in fear of something always going wrong and something always being wrong. It's time for constant worry to stop being my normal everyday existence. It's time for me to start realizing Who this God is that I serve. He is my "Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (taken from Isaiah 9:6).

I am clothed with strength and dignity; I can laugh at the days to come. (Paraphrased from Proverbs 31:25 NIV and thank you Beth Moore for helping me to see this familiar scripture in a whole new light)

 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV)

 

Fear not, for I am with you; 

Be not dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV)

 

His Eye is On the Sparrow

* If the youtube video doesn't load at the bottom, refresh the page, and it should load. For some reason it's not always showing up.

Luke 12:6-7

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁶ “Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. ⁷ But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

A few days ago my cousin posted the first few lines of "His Eye is On the Sparrow" on her facebook status. I immediately commented that it was one of my all time favorites. I was raised listening to and singing old gospel songs. So often their words contain so much power yet we often fail to realize it.

After she posted those words, the song continually played through my head as the week went on. It has been a trying week, and by yesterday afternoon, I was really discouraged and down (and a little . . . okay, a lot on the grumpy side). But then those words came back to me once again, and I was reminded, as I have been so many times in my life, that I can choose to let my circumstances dictate how I feel, or I can choose to remember who my God is. It's a conscious choice. One that at times has to be made 100 times a day. But it's a choice never the less.

If you've never heard the song, or maybe just need a reminder, I encourage you to listen to it. You won't be disappointed.

The "Why" Questions

I still often get questioned about "why" and "how" we chose Bulgaria. I also get a lot of questions about "why" we're not adopting domestically or why we don't foster adopt. Most people are genuinely curious, but I have had a few people that were genuinely offended that we chose to go with international adoption. All I can say to those people is we are here because this is where we feel like God has placed us.

I'm going to try to explain how we got here a little more so maybe it will help some people understand. When we first started exploring adoption almost three years ago, we knew without a doubt that we would go the route of international adoption. But all we knew of international adoption was Russia and China. We kind of assumed that we would just go with China, which at the time was a three year wait, but we were too young (you have to be 30 for China). That, along with the fact that we had a one year old, were both working full time jobs, and were worn out new parents, made us decide that we would put it on the back burner for a while.

Fast forward to last February, two years later. We felt ready and were almost 30 so we could start the process if we wanted. But by then the wait in China was (and still is) upwards of five years, and the paperwork was (and still is) astounding. So we decided to apply for Taiwan. I don't know if I've ever told y'all that we applied for Taiwan first. But we did. I hesitate to even put it in the blog, because I don't want our daughter to ever think that we "settled" for Bulgaria. The truth is that it just wasn't on our radar. It ended up that our agency's program in Taiwan wasn't accepting new applications until they processed all of their current applications so our adoption agency sent us info on all their other countries. And this is when Bulgaria first came into view on the radar. At first, I wasn't sure because it requires two trips instead of one. The total time out of country is only slightly over two weeks, but the fact that it is broken up into two trips brings the cost up substantially.

Anyway, one afternoon I was sorting through all the countries trying to make a decision. We had even discussed going with a different agency to broaden our country options, but we really liked and felt drawn to our agency, AGCI, and didn't want to switch. My sister came to pick up my nephew from our house, and I showed her the brochure from Bulgaria. I told her it was a possibility, but I wasn't sure yet. And she asked, "Why not?". So when Patrick got home, I asked him to look at it, and he asked the same question. We decided to take a few days to pray about it. Typically when Patrick and I make a decision we follow through on it rather quickly. We bought our house and both of our cars that way, but this wasn't a house or a car. This was a life we were talking about, and I didn't want to be impulsive.

In the end, we never heard a loud booming voice from Heaven saying "Bulgaria". There weren't any neon signs or flashing lights. In all honesty, it just felt like the right choice to make, and so, we did.

We are just now entering the "waiting" phase, and we have a long wait ahead of us. Some people wonder how we can stand to wait so long. I'm not going to say that it's going to easy, but it's not as if it's going to be a huge surprise to us. We know that God has the right little girl for our family, and that He'll bring her to us at just the right time for her and for us. And there is no questioning that.

I Call His Name . . .

I never used to feel that I was an overly emotional person, and I've always prided myself on being rather level-headed. Having a child killed a lot of that in me. First of all, tears come much more quickly than they used to. I think having a child tends to bring out the tender side in a person. As far as being level headed goes, well let's just say I've put my phone in the refrigerator more times than I can count since I had Andrew. In addition to bringing out the tender side, having a baby also zaps some of the common sense brain cells.

Nevertheless, I think being a mother has to be one of the greatest privileges and honors I've ever been given. There is just something about having the enormous responsibility of shaping the life of a little human being that makes you step back and take inventory of your priorities. Over the past few weeks, I've been reading emails which have been flying back and forth between adoptive parents in a Bulgarian Adoptive Parents groups I'm a member of. To be quite honest, sometimes I just delete these emails because of their enormous negativity, but you can also find some good advice and support in these groups. Anyway, the latest discussion has been about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and the risk of your adoptive child having it. If you know anything about FAS then you know that it is brain damage due to alcohol consumption during pregnancy. Now the risk in Bulgaria is less than the risk in some of the other Eastern European countries. However, the risk is still present.

As is normal for me, I started to worry about this (along with a million other things . . . it's how I roll). FAS can affect the way a child bonds, as can a myriad of other problems that come from life in an institution. I was already formulating a plan of how we would deal with this problem should it occur, but the truth is if it's not FAS then it will be something else. The list of potential problems is long, and you cannot be 100% prepared for every single one. Then this morning in church we sang "I Call Your Name" by Ricardo Sanchez. The whole song is great, but the chorus really struck a chord with me.

I call your name
Lord You reply
You bring Your kingdom
To stand by my side
giver of life
all that I need
Father Your everything that is precious to me
There is no one like You Lord in all the earth

I've said (and blogged) it before, and I'm sure I'll have to say it many times as we enter the waiting phase, but there is absolutely nothing I can do, outside of praying, for my child to protect her. And while I know that prayer is more than enough, as someone who is not passive by nature, I find this insanely frustrating at times. But then I listened to the words of this song, and I was reminded that those prayers aren't empty words to a distant God. I call His name, and He replies. And furthermore, I serve a God who says "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He's the giver of life, and the creator of all things. He created (or will create) both of my children, and they are special and unique because He made them that way. They are not defined by the circumstances surrounding their births. Andrew certainly wasn't, and I don't expect our little girl to be either.

I'm not saying that every moment of the next year or two (or thereafter) will be easy, but I know that God is standing by my side, and I know that I can trust Him to see us through this whole process and beyond. In the meantime, I will continue to pray these scriptures over my children knowing that I serve a God who is more than faithful (I know I've printed this before also, but it never hurts to be reminded).

Psalm 91

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

 ¹ He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
         Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
 ² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
         My God, in Him I will trust.”
       
 ³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler^[a]
         And from the perilous pestilence.
 ⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers,
         And under His wings you shall take refuge;
         His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
 ⁵ You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
         Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
 ⁶ Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
         Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
       
 ⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
         And ten thousand at your right hand;
         But it shall not come near you.
 ⁸ Only with your eyes shall you look,
         And see the reward of the wicked.
       
 ⁹ Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
         Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
 ¹⁰ No evil shall befall you,
         Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
 ¹¹ For He shall give His angels charge over you,
         To keep you in all your ways.
 ¹² In their hands they shall bear you up,
         Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
 ¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
         The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
       
 ¹⁴ “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
         I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
 ¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
         I will be with him in trouble;
         I will deliver him and honor him.
 ¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him,
         And show him My salvation.”

FEAR

I am not, by nature, an "eternal optimist". I've never been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I'm a worrier. I'm paranoid. When I was little, I was convinced that at any moment either (1) a tornado was going to flatten my house or (2) a fire was going to burn it to the ground. I'm not kidding. I'm not even remotely trying to be funny. That is the God-honest truth. I've always been the" prepare for the worst and then you won't be disappointed" type.

Hello, my name is Courtney, and I'm a recovering pessimist. I say recovering because I'm pushing through my fears. Yep that's what it all boils down to FEAR! Big fat ugly 4 letter word now isn't it? (Ha! I just re-counted the letters to make sure there were four) But it's there. I'm sure it exists in all of us to one extent or another. I hope that we all have, at the very least, some healthy fear. You know like the kind of fear that tells you, at eight years of age, that you cannot fly so don't even try it?

But over the last few years I think God has been teaching me (okay more like compelling me) to stop walking around afraid. Even before this whole adoption process became a reality, He started pushing me to realize that a lot (okay most) of my fears were completely unfounded. He also started showing me that my fears are an insult to Him and who He is. Yep, I'm insulting the Creator of the Universe by choosing to be afraid and not trust Him. Thankfully, He is also a good and loving God, who has an enormous amount of patience with me and all of my craziness.

Marrying Patrick has been an exercise in risk-taking. Not actually marrying him. I mean marrying him wasn't in and of itself a risk (he's an incredibly stable guy), but Patrick is a lot more of a risk-taker than I ever care to be. He chose a job, real estate, that completely depends on the ebb and flow of the economy. Then he chose to buy rental properties which I wouldn't have done in a million years. Then he told me that he wanted to become a part owner in his company. All the while, I was in the corner hyperventilating into a paper (not plastic) bag. Have I had a "freak" out moment or two in this whole process? Have there been some arguments about whether or not "this" or "that" was a good idea? You betcha, but I'm also learning that I can't stand still and do nothing just because I'm afraid.

Just a little over four years after getting married, I gave birth to Andrew five weeks early. And along with crazy hormone lady, I turned into a great big bundle of nerves. Is he hungry? Did he eat enough? If I just give him formula am I the worst mom ever? Why won't he sleep? Why is he sleeping so much? What if he breaks? What if I don't hold him enough? What if I hold him too much? When did he last poop? Are we bonding? Finally, I had to realize that I'm not perfect. No mother is. And I gave it to God and did my best. Guess what? Andrew is a happy, healthy, thriving three year old. Sure he has his moments, but last night when I was laying beside him in his bed he said, "Mom, I really like you." Now he tells me he loves me all the time, but when he says he likes me, that is a huge compliment. It means I'm at the level of his friends, his toys, and his Dad. Nothing to complain about there.

Enter adoption. Oh my goodness. This process can induce the kind of panic that is almost heart stopping. The questions. The coordination of all the appointments. The paperwork. The waiting . . . and waiting . . . and more waiting. FEAR! and I mean in a major way! But I'm learning. It may take me a while, but I am learning. Which is why, I have bought a few things. First of all, it's why I've started collecting things for her room. Because it shouts in the face of fear. I also bought a little dress for her. I bought size 24 months. I'm sure that even if she's closer to three than two, it will fit her at some point. It's a summer dress so who knows if the seasons will be right? But again, I'm not giving in to fear.  Beyond that, and more importantly, it's why I pray, but I don't just pray, I quote God's Word. I've found time and time again that there is power in His Word that cannot be found anywhere else. It has the ability to calm and bring peace like nothing I've ever experienced.

So I may still have my moments, but I would say that I am definitely a recovering pessimist on my way to becoming an (eternal?) optimist.

Psalm 18:30

New International Version (NIV)

 ³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect:
   The LORD’s word is flawless;
   he shields all who take refuge in him.

Isaiah 41:10

New International Version (NIV)
¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

Like my "Lost in Space" reference? Talk about a show with great special effects. ;)

I was too lazy to unload the dishes from the dishwasher so I just washed a bunch of dishes by hand. Which begs the question, does the fact that I just washed dishes by hand negate the fact that I was too lazy to unload the dishwasher?

Okay, yeah, pointless conversation. I know.

The good news (see there is a point to this post) is we (we meaning I) talked to our caseworker Soojin Thursday. In her words we are "90% done" with our paperwork. What a relief! We also received a letter from Homeland Security stating that we should come in for questioning. Just kidding. It actually said we would be getting our fingerprinting appointment time and place in the mail sometime in the near future. Not completely sure what the time frame is on near future but we are one step closer. After that we wait to receive our approval letter. Once that is in hand, we get everything apostilled and sent off to our adoption agency. Our dossier will have to be translated which is taking around four weeks at this point. Once it is translated it will be submitted to the MOJ in Bulgaria.

The bad news is I have managed to thoroughly freak myself out. I've told ya'll before that the internet is my best friend and my worst enemy. Everyone has heard the quote "knowledge is power" by Sir Francis Bacon. I agree with this quote most of the time, but I also buy into the notion that too much knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Especially, when you're me. And of course, there is the fact that when we lean on our own knowledge and not on God, we are failing to acknowledge what a mighty God we serve. (Go ahead . . . sing the song . . . I didn't do that on purpose, but as soon as I typed it the song popped into my head). Proverbs 3:5-6 (New King James Version) ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;  ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. 

So anyway, I decided to join a couple Bulgaria adoption forums on the internet. I figured I might get some advice and find some much needed information. But the thing I forgot, is that I don't filter things well. I take everything and everyone at face value, and that can lead to problems. Needless to say, in one of the forums the subject of wait times came up. And I started following the thread. Yeah, shouldn't have done that. People were commenting that no one was adopting healthy children from Bulgaria (which we know isn't true because our own agency has seen referrals for healthy children). People were saying that if you are thinking about starting you should just stop because the wait will be well over 36 months (our adoption agency has 36 months as a max . . . breathe deeply, don't panic). People were saying that the adoption agencies were lying. That one I was able to shut down in my mind very quickly. I trust our agency. I trust the people that work there. Anyway, I had a moment. I got over it rather quickly . . . my drama is relatively short-lived (most of the time).

The first thing I did was unsubscribe to the emails. I'm choosing to go the whole "ignorance is bliss" route here. I don't have all the answers, but I do firmly believe that things will pick up for Bulgaria. I'm sure that there are people who will say "you're just a rookie" and "we all had that kind of hope at one point". I'm just gonna say "blah, blah, blah". Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I'm just going to have to remember that we are on this road and we're not turning back. We have to stay the course and trust God to bring us through. I am going to ask for prayers from you guys though. Please pray for us to have peace and to fully trust in God throughout this process. Also, pray that Bulgaria gets it together and starts sending out referrals much more quickly. There are a lot of children waiting for parents to bring them home. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support. Both are greatly appreciated.

Psalm 31:19-24

New King James Version (NKJV)

 ¹⁹ Oh, how great is Your goodness,
         Which You have laid up for those who fear You,
         Which You have prepared for those who trust in You
         In the presence of the sons of men!
 ²⁰ You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence
         From the plots of man;
         You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion
         From the strife of tongues.

 ²¹ Blessed be the LORD,
         For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!
 ²² For I said in my haste,
         “I am cut off from before Your eyes”;
         Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications
         When I cried out to You.

 ²³ Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!
         For the LORD preserves the faithful,
         And fully repays the proud person.
 ²⁴ Be of good courage,
         And He shall strengthen your heart,
         All you who hope in the LORD.

Making Sense of it All

There are a lot of things running around in my head at the moment. As I look at all the devastation caused by the recent tornadoes in our country, I feel an overwhelming sadness for those who have lost so much. Some people say that it's the end of the world. Biblically speaking, I definitely don't think we are far off, but I don't think we are there yet. Having said that let me insert this:

Matthew 24:36 (New King James Version) 
³⁶ "But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only."

Some people say it's the wrath of God. I don't know everything about everyone, but I do know this, there are a lot of God fearing people who were affected. People that love the Lord and serve God with all their hearts. People who have given their lives to serve Him. I also know that we live in a fallen and imperfect world. We live in a world that has natural disasters. We live in a world of wars, and famine, and devastation. I don't blame God.

After I had Andrew I felt like, quite possibly for the first time in my life, I really began to understand God's love for me. I think that when God created the family His purpose was to help us better understand His love for us. The love I feel for my son is consuming in a way that I cannot explain. I want nothing but the best for my children (both the one I have now and the one we will adopt in the future). I want them to be happy. I want them to be healthy. I want them to have only what is best for them. Because I love Andrew so much and because I want only the best for him, I do have to discipline him. It's part of being a parent. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it is necessary. So yes I do discipline him, but that discipline does not destroy his life. That discipline makes him better. That discipline, though it may hurt for a moment, in time will help him to grow stronger. It does not tear him down. It does not devastate him.

I don't pretend to even remotely understand everything that God does and does not do. I don't pretend that I understand all of the tragedies that go on in this world, but I do know that I don't believe that God causes them. Okay, well then why does God allow them? I hear this question all the time, and while I again don't pretend to have all the answers, this is what I think. If God stopped every tragedy then we would live in a perfect world, but that day that Eve took a bite of that fruit (yes, I take an extremely literal interpretation of the Bible), that day that she shared the fruit with Adam, that day that they chose to disobey God, sin entered the world. With the entrance of sin, came the entrance of tragedy into this beautiful world God created. But God had a plan, and He loves us so He sent Jesus to die for us. Did He know we would fall? Yes. But He created us because He wanted us. He wanted to have fellowship with us. He created us because that is what He does, He is the Creator. When I had my son, I knew that one day he would mess up (sometimes multiple times a day), but I still had him. Because I wanted him. I wanted a child, because God placed that desire in me, just like He desires us.

No, this does not answer all the questions about God, and the world and how it works. These are just thoughts from my head. This is not set in stone theology, nor am I saying that everyone will agree with everything I'm saying. I'm sure that, like me, a lot of you still have questions. But for me motherhood has given me a broader understanding of some of the things that happen. It has also given me a greater sensitivity to the things that go on around me. The natural disasters (hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts, floods), the wars, the famines they will all continue to come. But I can say this I would rather go through this world with God by my side anyday than without Him. Of that there is no doubt.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version)

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Counting on God

Last night I opened up my email and found that a blog that I recently started following had a new post on it. I added this blog because the family is in the process of adopting from Bulgaria and is using the same agency as us. They are currently waiting for a referral. As I started reading, what I read made my stomach drop. This family started this process in June of 2009 with their application and had their dossier registered with Bulgaria in 2010. Now they've found out that it will be 2012 before they receive a referral. That's two and a half to three years after initiating the process.


Of course, in true Courtney fashion I went into full on panic mode. Oh my goodness! What if it takes 3 years for everyone? What if it never speeds up? The "what ifs" where flying like nobody's business. And then I opened my nightly devotional, and it happened to be on trusting in God's timing. I don't think that was a coincidence. I took a deep breath and thought about what I already knew. I knew when we started that this process could take 2-3 years. Our caseworker has said that she really hopes it speeds up, but she wants us to be prepared to wait. I think a lot of  families go through the, "Oh it will be faster for us" stage. And with all the improvements happening in Bulgaria, I certainly hope and pray it is faster for us, but the truth is there are a lot of families waiting for referrals, and things are a little backed up. The other thing I knew (and I still know) is that very little of this is in my hands. And that's really a good thing because I have a tendency to try to make things happen in my own timing instead of God's. But this time there is really no way for me to do that. I have been forced to completely and totally rely on God. Not so easy for this Type A personality. One of my favorite praise and worship songs is "Counting on God", and I truly am counting on Him to see us through this whole crazy adoption journey.


I will be praying for this family and all the other families as they wait. I will pray that the process as a whole does speed up and that children begin receiving referrals much more quickly (there are approximately 10,000 orphans waiting for homes in Bulgaria . . . yes I meant to put 10,000). I will pray for our own family to have patience and to fully rely on God throughout this walk of faith. I will pray that our child will be protected and loved wherever she is. And through it all I will remember to enjoy the moment, and not to get caught up in too many "what ifs".

I apologize for all the font weirdness below. I have no idea what's going on or why it is showing up in all caps, bold, etc. I promise I'm not shouting at anyone :)

Isaiah 65:24 (New King James Version)

²⁴ “ It shall come to pass
      That before they call, I will answer;
      And while they are still speaking, I will hear.

Isaiah 55:9-11 (New King James Version)

⁹ “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      So are My ways higher than your ways,
      And My thoughts than your thoughts.
       ¹⁰ “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
      And do not return there,
      But water the earth,
      And make it bring forth and bud,
      That it may give seed to the sower
      And bread to the eater,
       ¹¹ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
      It shall not return to Me void,
      But it shall accomplish what I please,
      And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version)

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Habakkuk 2:3 (New King James Version)

³ For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
      But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
      Though it tarries, wait for it;
      Because it will surely come,
      It will not tarry.

Apologies and Irrational Worrying

So first off I wanted to apologize for the whole "Rejected" title the other day. Apparently I inadvertently freaked some people out. I totally did not mean to do that. I was probably being a little on the dramatic side. I have been known to do that from time to time. The truth is I've had what could be termed "a country music kind of week". Only I've never heard a country song with these exact problems. My three year old got sick, my prints got rejected, and now my cat is sick too. Yeah sounds like fun doesn't it? So this definitely hasn't been a great week, but it could be much worse. There are people in this world that have much bigger problems than I. Even in the midst of my problems things have to be brought into perspective.

Since I want to be honest, but I don't want to be depressing, I'm going to talk a little about what I'm learning from all of this craziness. First of all, I'm a worrier. For as long as I can remember I've worried about something. When I don't have something to worry about, I worry about having nothing to worry about. Insanity? Most definitely. But I also know that worrying is wrong. Worrying says you don't trust God enough to take care of things. Trust and worry are antonyms not synonyms. Adoption of any kind presents challenges. International adoption, has a very unique set of challenges. I fully expected these challenges, but honestly, I never expected my fingerprints to be deemed "illegible". To tell you the complete truth this upset me . . . bigtime. My first thought after I read the letter was, "Oh great, what if I can't get a good set of prints? Then I guess everything is ruined!" As you can see, I'm not exactly Miss Positivity, and again, I can be a bit dramatic. Up to this point everything has gone so smoothly that I was taken completely aback. I let myself whine and wallow for a while, then I realized that it was time to put on my big girl underwear and deal with it. So I got refingerprinted and sent them off. Now here is where the trust issue comes in. I can spend the time until my results come back worrying and wondering if they are okay, or I can trust God that he's going to see this and so much more through to the end. And while it may be an uphill battle for me, I'm going to choose to trust God.

Isaiah 41:10 (New King James Version)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
      Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
      I will strengthen you,
      Yes, I will help you,
      I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

I'm a Type A personality. I like things to be done a certain (otherwise known as my way). I very meticulous and methodical. When I start a project, I don't usually stop until it's done. Frankly, I think I probably drive my husband crazy. Food? Who needs it? Sleep? Rest? I'm tireless. Take a break? Really people, we've got a project to finish.

Due to this, I feel that our paperwork should've been done two weeks ago, our training should've been completed yesterday, and our house should be ready for the home visit now. Keep in mind, I have no idea what the home visit will entail, but don't you worry that's why they invented google (whoever they is). Google is my best friend and my worst enemy.

But the problem with the initial part of international adoption is you cannot start and then plough through until you are finished. First of all, there is just too much "stuff" to gather and organize. You depend on other people to get paperwork back to you. Sometimes, as shocking as it is, you have to realize that other people have lives, and families, and jobs. The whole world is not revolving around your family and this adoption. Secondly, even if you could work tirelessly, day in and day out, even if you had no job or family to devote yourself to, even if you didn't need to eat or to sleep, you would be emotionally and mentally exhausted long before you finished.

It's hard to understand how emotionally invested you become in the life of a child that you have never seen, never touched, whose name you don't know, and who honestly, may not even be born yet. But the second you take that leap and become part of the program, you have another child on the way. This adoption is going to be like a very long pregnancy. After all this work, comes the waiting, lots of waiting. And if you know anything about me, you know that I am much better at working than waiting. So while I know that there is work to do, I am also learning that sometimes I need to stop and just enjoy what I have now. When Andrew was little, I used to sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" while I rocked him at night, and I have to trust that He truly does have the whole world in His hands. Even a little girl (or boy as the case may be) who may not even be born yet.

Psalm 139:2-16 (NIV)
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.